


Puppet defeats puppeteer.

by Heavenstands



Series: Destiny of the puppet. [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive scenes-heavily detailed, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Boys In Love, Consensual Sex, Destiny, Dissociation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gaining Confidence, Gang Rape, Kinda Dark, Kinda soul bond, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Oral Sex, Out of Character, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape Recovery, Revenge, Romance, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Violence, Sibling Bonding, Slow Burn, Spells & Enchantments, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Verbal Abuse, accepting yourself, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-07 09:34:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 72,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16405877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavenstands/pseuds/Heavenstands
Summary: Throughout life, the messages you receive from those around you and your experiences shape what you believe about yourself. If those messages were positive then you may see your self in a positive light. If they were negative you may have a negative view of yourself. Over time it is possible to change what you believe to be true about yourself, its not easy and can take a lifetime. Changing what you believe about your self can appear impossible, but it is possible.In this story, it is impossible, negative messages are trapped by a spell that only another supernatural means can fight. See the lengths that have to be taken to release the negative messages, and replace them with positive messages. Taking the power away from the lie, and giving it to the truth. Sometimes the battle is inside your own mind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Due to the situation, the characters are going through they are slightly OOC.
> 
> Trigger warning, detailed descriptions of violence, rape, and abuse.
> 
> I do not In any way shape or form own Supernatural or any of the characters. I do not make any profit from this. 
> 
> Updates should be consistent. This is my first fic, please let me know if I need to add any more tags. Warning spelling and grammar are not my strong points!
> 
> This is my first fic on my own comments would be appreciated.

Sam P.O.V

 

I was expecting to hear yelling, swearing or at least threats coming from Dean, this silence is disheartening and it scares me. Several times in this life something has scared me, but this makes the top five list. Dean has been taken many times before, but never this long. My hands are shaking enough Cas notices. Cas gives me a glance that says he understands, he is just as afraid as me. I draw in a calming breath; I need to calm myself Dean’s life could be at risk.

Whispering I advise Cas, “You move to the back exit, I’ll go through the front exit.” Slowly I walk towards the front door, pausing every few steps to study my surroundings. Not detecting anyone around doesn’t convince me to lower my guard. Keeping my head low I approach the front door. As slow as possible I twist the handle praying, for it to be unlocked and silent. Of course, it’s locked. I’m not sure if Cas has gotten inside yet, I should wait a few seconds, but fear takes over.

_It’s just too quiet._

Taking a deep breath, I kick the door in, holding my gun up I scan the first room I enter, a living room. The next room is a kitchen, no one is in here. Getting nervous I was sure Dean would be here. My heart is pounding in my chest and my hands are sweating. Hearing movement through a door to my right, I inch towards the door. It’s one of those doors that swings. I open the door slowly, recognizing its Cas I let go of the breath I was holding.

Cas states in a sad tone, “I’ve investigated the upper level, no one is up there.”

I respond, “How could we be mistaken, the pictures lead us here?”

Brushing my fingers through my hair over my face I groan, my body is worn out and drained. Accepting that, we didn’t find Dean again staring at the floor as I trudge to the front door, that’s when I notice the rug on the floor in the midst of the living room has a corner bent over. Revealing a handle on the floor, I kick the rug out of the way, exposing a trap door. Pulling the handle as hard as I can it’s not budging, Cas steps forward to assist pulling up on the handle. The door flies open due to the momentum we both stumble back a few steps. I take my flashlight out of my pocket then point the beam of light in the entrance. There is a ladder, we both climb down the ladder.

If someone is down there then we're screwed since we are not capable of holding our guns while using both hands for the ladder. At the bottom of the ladder, seems to be a cellar or basement. It’s dark and stinks of sulfur and urine, I cover my nose attempting to block out some of the stenches. I want to yell out to Dean, but that could tip off the person/persons that took Dean.

Suddenly a light turns on, whirling my head towards its source I see it’s a light dangling from the ceiling with a cord. Cas must have pulled it since he is standing next to it. Now that it’s easier to see, we immediately see Dean kneeling on the floor, naked facing the corner of the room. His arms are chained above his head by a chain attached to the ceiling. His ankles and upper calves have metal clamps holding him to the floor. Dean’s body is covered in filth and bruises, head hanging down. I don’t even want to think about what that could be all over him. Seeing him like that takes my breath away as if punched in the gut.

I run over, check for a pulse, relieved to find one. I gently shake Dean’s shoulder, desperate to get a response from Dean.“Dean are you okay?”

 _Wow, stupid question._   _I can criticize myself later right now Dean needs me._

Cas approaches Dean tilts his head examines the shackles then nods he concludes he’s strong enough to easily break them. As gently as possible trying not to jostle Dean, he breaks the shackles and the leg restraints. I almost don’t catch Dean before he hit the floor. I throw Cas an angry look until I see fear, horror, and sadness on Cas’s face. Cas is hurting too, my anger disappears I reach out pat Cas’s arm. “We’ve got him now, it will be ok, let’s get him home.”

I’m able to pick my older brother up with no difficulty, he has been smaller than me for years but now he is sickening underweight. He must be down at least 15 pounds. Anger rushes through me, I flinch when I feel Cas’s hand on my shoulder.

Cas squeezes, then says, “I have observed this act calms you whenever Dean performs it.” I grin back, it’s a tired smile, no joy in it I nod back in response. Cas reaches out to Dean then touches 2 fingers to Dean’s forehead healing all his bruises and cuts. “He was drugged, but I’ve removed the drugs from his system.” Removing his trench coat Cas drapes it over Dean. I walk ahead of Cas, as we are leaving Cas stops tills his head to the side staring towards the wall intently.

I don’t have time to question his actions, so I call out over my shoulder, “Cas we need to move.”

Arranging Dean so he is laying across the rear seat, I’m surprised when Cas gets in the back seat, lifts Dean’s head then places it on his lap. Cas is gently running his fingers through Dean’s hair. Hiding a smug smile on my face, it’s not the time to remark on the back seat boys relationship, I tap on Cas’s arm. “Listen Cas I don’t know how I can adequately express my gratitude.”

“Sam I do not require you to say anything, I helped because I care about you both,” he replied.

_I know he cares but I also know he feels different for me then he does for Dean._

I nod while I get in the driver seat of “Baby” It’s only a three-hour drive as long as Dean stays asleep/unconscious it’s an easy straight shot home. About two hours later I call Kevin. Kevin answers before the second ring ends, sounding out of breath. “Sam please tell me good news! We’ve got to find him, its been..”

I interrupt him before the kid passes out. “We’ve got him, we will be there in about one hour, can you get his bed set up for him and have a small bowl of soup ready in case he is hungry?”

Kevin sighs out of relief replies, “I’ll start on that now.” The rest of the ride is quiet, I pray silently to God. “Thank you!”

Arriving at the bunker I carry Dean inside, Kevin is standing there waiting. Kevin gasps when he sees Dean’s limp body in my arms.

Kevin says, “He’s not, uh is he?” Not able to say dead.

I quickly respond, “No he is alive and Cas healed him,”

Kevin still looks unsettled but not as much as a few seconds ago.

Cas says, “I repaired him physically, but emotionally will take much more work.”

Kevin is back to looking more worried, he looks to Cas than me. “What does that mean? What does that require?”

Before Cas can respond I tell them, “Let’s get him inside and settled first.”

Not realizing I’m speaking out loud I say, “I would prefer to get him cleaned up, so he doesn’t have to wake up with this filth all over him, but that could wake him.”

_He is not going to be happy when he learns I saw him naked._

Cas answers the question I didn’t realize I said out loud. “He should sleep for quite a while, putting him in a warm bath quickly to wash him should not wake him. Just be gentle.”

Kevin standing in the doorway to Dean’s room states, “I’ll get the bath ready.”

Cas informs me, “I will get him some clothes.”

I watch our family feeling applicative, all the work they are doing to help. Not that I don’t want to do those tasks for Dean. It’s just I don’t feel ready to step away from Dean.

When Kevin comes back to the room announcing the bath is ready, I pick Dean up while adjusting Cas’s trench coat to better cover him. After a quick bath Dean is all dressed and placed in his bed.

I bring over three beers, hand one to Cas and one to Kevin. Sitting down a sigh of relief escapes me. Taking a moment to rest in the quiet before Kevin asks questions.

Kevin questions start quicker then I would like, “Did you get whoever took him? Why did they take him and what did they do to him, he looks bad? I mean we know some of what was done from the pictures but he looks really bad.”

I reply, “No one other than Dean was in the house, no obvious clues other than smelling sulfur. We didn‘t stick around long enough to do a thorough check.”

Cas joins in the conversation, “I saw something that may or may not help. There was an angel warding sigil on one of the basement walls. Someone broke it spray paint over some parts of it.”

Shaking my head, “Why would someone do that, if they knew you are an angel? Was there only one?"

Cas responds, “I do not know, we will have to ask Dean when he wakes up.”

 

++++++++++++

 

Cas P.O.V

 

It has been 4 hours Dean is still sleeping, both Sam and Kevin are fighting to stay awake not wanting to be asleep when Dean wakes. After another hour of watching both nodding off then, head jerking back up, I walk up to them both.

“I am sorry I do not enjoy doing this, but Dean will need you both at your best when he awakes.” Sam opens his mouth to object, but I am faster placing two fingers on both of their foreheads putting them to sleep.

Throughout the night I check on Dean, sometimes lingering at the door observing the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. Dean has expressed several times his displeasure at being watched while sleeping, but I need to see him to convince myself he is truly here safe. So many times we thought we knew where Dean was being held. Months of those horrendous photographs appearing at the bunker. Based on the pictures we know a little of what Dean experienced. Hearing Dean whimper in his sleep causes my chest to ache. Filling with a rage so intense that I need to go outside before I cause damages.

Outside I pace stressing what if Dean is not ok, then what do we do. Sitting down holding my head in my hands. I allow myself a few minutes to calm down. Seeing Dean like that was frightening and devastating, I never thought I would ever see him so vulnerable. I head back into the bunker. I never let the Winchesters see the emotional side of me, always hiding my emotions with a blank look. Only Kevin knows just how much emotions actually influence my daily existence. I started talking to Kevin after Dean went missing, needing someone to help me understand what I have been feeling. With Kevin’s assistance, I have made some realizations I plan to act on as soon as it is acceptable.

He explained how to recognize what I am feeling and how to express them. When I asked him if expressing them is an acceptable action he explained that to most it is. Unfortunately, some humans are taught not to share or show their emotions using the Winchesters as an example. Then he explained how holding all of your feelings in can damage your life. He said expressing emotions will improve my life and show others their value to me. In the months of Dean’s disappearance, Kevin has taught me using examples or what he calls exercises on reading others emotions using facial expressions and body language. He found something on his computer that tests your answers to videos and pictures in where you have to determine the correct emotions shown. Then he began to ask me several times a day how I was feeling and helping me find the words that matched them the best.

 

++++++++++

 

Sam P.O.V

 

I wake up with a sore neck, turning my head stretching my neck, Kevin is sleeping next to me. I accidentally nudge Kevin getting up to get the coffee started, It’s going to be a tough day. I’m not looking forward to asking Dean what happened, it’s highly possible he won’t want to tell us anything. Kevin stretches while getting up before heading right to the bathroom. I check the clock it's 9 a.m. already.

_Oh no, what if Dean woke up already?_

Not expecting to sleep nine hours I walk quickly almost jogging towards Dean’s room. I can make the coffee after checking on Dean, Cas meets me in the hallway.

Cas states, “He is still sleeping; He did not wake all night. I believe he was having nightmares.”

Turning to look at Cas, “So you helped him right?” I quickly realize my voice sounds like I’m accusing him of some crime, I apologize. “I’m sorry, I’m just worried, I mean you saw those pictures,” I whisper that last word.

Cas’s facial expression reveals understanding, and pain, in a calm voice he says, “Yes I saw them. It will take a significant amount of work for Dean to heal.”

_That’s what worries me, he will fight tooth to nail to deny he has any reason to need help. He never accepts or asks for help, won’t even admit when he needs help._

Cas asks, “What?”

Breaking out of my thoughts I look to Cas, “How is he going to heal, you know what he will do. He will insist he is fine, and then refuse to speak of it.”

Cas sighs, “That may not work this time.”

He doesn't wait to clarify his statement, already walking away from me to Dean’s room. I follow, what I see in that room will haunt my dreams until the day I die. Not able to understand what I’m seeing my body hesitates for a moment at the door with my mouth hanging open.

_What is he doing? Why? Something is very wrong. I'm going to destroy whoever did this!_

Collecting myself, I look over to see the most devastated look on Cas.

_He looks like I feel._

That is the most emotional reaction I have ever seen from him. Recently I have noticed an increase in emotional responses by Cas and an improvement in his understanding of others feelings. Maybe I should talk to him about it but not now that can wait.

There in the corner of the room is Dean kneeling on the floor facing the wall naked with his hands behind his back, head down. Not sure if asking Dean what he is doing will upset him, I attempt to behave as normal as possible.

Speaking in the happiest tone of voice I can fake, “Good morning, How did you sleep?”

Dean still on his knees head down eyes to the floor starts talking in a monotone voice he states, “I am a worthless, disgusting, fat, ugly, stupid, whore that doesn’t deserve love and will never be loved.”

Cas and I both gasps loudly, and I yell out, “What?” This reaction appears to upset my brother.

_I think I'm going to be sick, oh God, please. All the confidence and strength I usually see on Dean is gone._

Heart pounding in my chest, palms sweating, feeling dizzy. My stomach starts to clench, I struggle to fight the urge to run in the bathroom and throw up. Not out of disgust of Dean but out of grief, and sorrow, my hero looks broken and defeated. Swallowing the bile threatening to come up I take a step farther in the room.

Dean begins to breathe deeper begging, nearly sobbing his whole body shaking, “Please let me re-repeat, I can do better, please let me try.” Without waiting for a reaction from Cas or I he recites that horrible monotone phrase over and over, voice starting to sound desperate.

_Please stop oh please, I can't hear that again, I need to stop him._

Not knowing what is happening, I carefully take two steps toward him. Closing my eyes I take a few steadying breaths I hope I don't make this worse if it could even get worse. Seeing the man that raised me, look so defenseless is devastating. I can hear Dean’s breathing has accelerated to the point of gasping for breath, slowly I squat down next to him he is still saying those words.

In the calmest voice, I’m able, I tell him, “Dean it’s okay.”

My eyes start to sting and throat hurts I clench my jaw to control the tears before they pour out of me.

_Calm down, can't start crying now. Take care of Dean first then freak out later, alone._

Dean looks comforted as he peers up at me immediately returning his eye’s to the floor. I flinch when I see the look in his eyes.

_Why won't he look at me longer?_

This is the first time he has let me meet his eyes since I entered this room. The expression in his eyes, shows desperation, hope, and fear swimming in those eyes. Maybe I don't want him to look at me, those eyes look dead no spark of life in them. Still trembling, I can see he is fighting to stay still but he looks like he is expecting to get hit then Dean whispers, “I did good?”

Not sure what he is referring to I reply, “Yes very good, Dean, I’ll be right back ok?” Dean nods.

Standing up I grab Cas’s arm leading him into the hall. Cas has tears in his eyes, and his whole body is trembling. I didn’t even know angels could cry. Blurting out, “What the fuck was that?” causes Dean to flinch.

Cas mumbles shaking his head, “I don’t know.”

Lowering my voice and turning my body I respond, “Well we need to find out, and I mean quick, we need to know what happened to him!”

Stepping away I'm determined to convince Dean to tell me, even if he doesn’t wish to have a “chick flick moment."

_Even if that means begging._

I’m stopped by Cas’s hand seizing my shirt sleeve. Cas takes a breath shakes his head explains to me, “Not now, he is in no condition to be answering questions, you witnessed how scared he was. Let him get settled and eat first.”

_Yes, he's right calm down, and think this through._

I don’t want to agree with that, but I recognize it is the best way to help Dean right now. I nod. Walking back in the room, Dean has not moved even keeping his arms behind him at what looks to be an uncomfortable angle. He starts saying that phrase again.

_Why is he saying that?_

In a gentle voice, I notify Dean, he did good and then say, “Ok we are gonna get you up and fed ok?” Dean doesn’t move, trying again I say, “Dean get up.”

I didn't mean for it to come out sounding like an order. My childhood raised as a soldier gave me a strong dislike for orders. Dean stands right away. I glance around, finding Dean’s clothes pushed part way under the bed as if he was trying to hide them. That's odd. Grabbing the clothes I hand them to Dean, getting no response I sigh. Suddenly Dean is trembling, realizing the reaction is to my sigh.

I calmly tell Dean to get dressed, he shakes his head, repeatedly saying, “No I don’t want to, not today please!” The pleading look in his eyes causes my throat to tighten I almost want to say forget it, no clothes are needed just to not see that terrified look in his eyes.

Again I hold the clothes out to him then I am forced to again order him clearing my throat I order, “Dean get dressed.”

Great now he is not only scared of me, but he has a look of distrust on his face as if this is a trick. He is behaving as if the clothes are out to harm him. Handing the cloths over Dean holds them as if they are foreign to him. When Dean is done dressing, I attempt to guide him to the kitchen but have to pull my hand back from his shoulder as he jumps away from me. Once I remove my hand and his shaking has decreased he goes without complaint keeping his head down.

Entering the kitchen Kevin say’s, “I made you something to eat."

Dean quietly says, “Thank you, sir,” glancing around the room.

_Is he looking for something?_

Confused Kevin looks at Cas and me as if we know what is going on. Remembering to keep my reactions neutral I say, “Dean eat.” The way Dean requires an order to perform normal daily tasks crushes me, and the looks on the others face as if I’m ordering him because I want to. Dean immediately drops to his knees on the floor, with his head down hands held out.

_What is he doing? Is he expecting his food to be handed to him on the floor?_

This time it’s a relief Dean is looking down because he doesn’t see the pain I’m trying to keep hidden from him. Gently I grasp Dean’s arm causing him to flinch and tense up while sucking in a breath. I tell him, “Dean sit at the table and eat.”

He stands up still breathing heavily looking around the room as he sits down.

Kevin again looks at Cas and me confused and shocked, He places a bowl in front of Dean with a spoon. “I wasn’t sure what your stomach could handle, so it’s only plain oatmeal.”

Dean makes no complaints, just whispers, “Thank you, sir.”

That's not like Dean, he is not complaining that he wants donuts or pancakes. Usually, he makes the pancakes, I've missed watching him enjoy his pancakes as he teases me for eating fruit and yogurt. I never thought I would miss something so minor, it's all the small things I missed the most.

I tip my head towards another room, indicating I want to talk to Cas and Kevin out of the kitchen. They get the message. I lean down softly whisper to Dean. “Dean we will be right back, just going into the living room. Do you understand?” I ask not knowing just how aware Dean is right now. This time Dean merely nods with his shoulders slumped forward.

_Ok, I'm definitely going to kill someone._

Kevin waits patiently with a confused expression on his face he asks, “What the hell is happening? What is wrong with him?” Cas and I in a hushed tone tell Kevin what took place in Dean’s room this morning. Kevin has a look of horror on his face.

_Believe me, it's worse if you see it, hope you never have to._

He questions, “What did Dean mean when he asked you to let him ‘repeat’ again?” Before we can respond Dean is for some unknown reason reciting that horrible phrase again, word for word in a monotone voice. Feeling a chill going down my back I quickly go to Dean. When I enter the room he says it a second time, as he is scrambling out of the seat. Confused on what he is doing I’m shocked when he starts taking his clothes off fumbling cause he is also trying to get in the corner as fast as possible.

He is trembling again, voice shaky gasping for air making it hard to make out each word he is saying. Sadly I know what words he is saying, shaking my head to focus better, I manage to stop him before he gets his pants off. Same as before I reassure him he did well. When Dean settles I return to the conversation in the living room.

Cas speaks for the first time since leaving Dean’s room, “We do not know at this time but, after he is settled and rested we need to find out.”

Kevin appears conflicted asks, “Do you think that is a good Idea? No matter how much I want to know what happened, I don’t want to hurt Dean.”

Cas looking uncertain answers, “Really I do not know, but Dean is not going to get better if we do not get the facts. We all know Dean does not like to reveal feelings ‘chick flick moment,’ but this cannot be brushed aside. He is obviously still being influenced or controlled somehow. This could be a curse or some kind of spell work. Without Dean telling us what it is we are unable to break it.”

_Never expected to hear Cas say 'chick flick moment' that would make Dean smile._

We all agree to let Dean get in a nap as he still looks tired after 14 hours of sleep. Then after they will have to ask the hard question. After going through the whole process again of Dean in the corner naked saying those words again when I went to get him to suggest a nap. Which turns out had to be an order, since he didn't move either way when I asked if he wanted a nap or do anything else.

Dean sleeps about 4-hours tossing and turning, three times I had to lead him back to his bed, finding him sleeping on the floor. I don't think he was really awake, maybe sleepwalking. When he starts whimpering and crying while sleeping none of us know what to do. Cas tried to calm him using his grace, it helped some but not enough.

Hearing him begging, crying and sometimes screaming rips me apart. Based on the looks on Cas and Kevin’s face’s they feel the same.

Kevin suddenly stands up walks up to Cas holds out his hand says, “Take your trench coat off and give it to me.”

Cas tilts his head to the side questioning, “Are you cold?”

Kevin shakes his head says, “No trust me.” Cas, and I follow Kevin walking with the coat were both surprised when Kevin opens the door to Dean’s room. Dean is still tossing and turning then suddenly quiets when Kevin covers him with the trench coat as if it is a blanket. Dean’s fingers grip the coat, pulling it closer to his chest snuggling right into it with a deep sigh.

Cas is the only one that looks confused as to why Dean responded that way, he looks to Kevin and me for an explanation. Kevin and I stare at each other, having a silent conversation with facial expressions. Sighing, I tell Cas, “I’m sorry Cas, but this one Dean will have to explain to you but don’t worry it has nothing to do with the kidnapping or the aftereffects.”

Cas doesn’t look satisfied with that answer still he response. “I will wait for now, I would never want either of you to divulge personal information Dean has told you.”

Confirming Dean is settling we all go sit in the living room. Shaking my head with a perplexed expression on my face Kevin asks me if I’m alright. Opening and closing my mouth several times nothing comes out I take a deep breath.

_Not sure how to bring this up, both Dean, and I have avoided this subject for so long._

“I’m confused about Dean’s behavior. When Dean came back after Hell, I could see it still affected him. He tried to hide it most of the time, but I could see the flinching. The nightmares were intense almost every night he would wake up, sometimes screaming. It was bad but nowhere near this bad. He was in Hell for forty years, yet he came back better than this. How can six months damage him more than forty years in Hell? This is worse! There is nothing but a shell of him anymore. It..it..scares me!” letting out a shaky breath.

_What could do this much damage in such a short amount of time?_

Kevin, and Cas both have understanding expressions on their faces. Neither attempt to give a reason for Dean’s behavior since neither knows the answers.

Cas leans over placing his hand on my shoulder comfortingly. Whispers in a sad voice, “We will find out the cause and fix it,” Not feeling reassured I agree we will do all we can to help Dean become himself again.

After a few hours, we head over to Dean’s room to check on him. Arriving at the door we can hear movement. We each glance at each other with looks of dread, none of us wants to be the one asking Dean what happened. Opening the door, I stop in the doorway, again horrified at what I see. Just like this morning, Dean is naked kneeling facing the corner with his hands behind his back head down.

With a saddened heart I softly say Dean’s name remembering to control my response so I don’t upset Dean again. “Dean?” Same as this morning, Dean head down while saying that horrible phrase again. “I am a worthless, disgusting, fat, ugly, stupid, whore, that doesn’t deserve love and will never be loved.” Not again. Slowly I walk towards Dean just like before I reassure him he did well.

_I don't know what Dean did well, but it worked before._

Dean takes a deep breath as though he was scared.

_Was he scared of me?_

Kevin calls out, “Why does he keep repeating...?” He is not able to finish his question because Dean starts saying that phrase, making my stomach clench and lungs hurt again. After again reassuring Dean I pull both Cas and Kevin in the hall, closing the door behind me not wanting Dean to overhear us.

I say in a hushed voice, “He started saying that phrase aging after you said the word, 'repeat.’ This morning he asked us to let him try to, 'repeat’ again. There is something wrong with that word, it is triggering this response. We all need to avoid saying it.” That word will forever bring up that image of Dean kneeling in the corner.

Kevin asks what triggered Dean to say it when we entered the room. Shrugging my shoulders, “I don’t know, but at least we can limit the number of times he has to say it.” I’m not able to say the words out loud, not that I’ve never said them but now they all leave a sour taste in my mouth.

We all agree to avoid, "that word." Kevin goes back to the door, knocks then announces he is coming in the room. This time Dean doesn’t go to the corner or say that phrase.

Then when I walk in the room Dean starts that phrase again rushing back to the corner. Without thinking I say in exasperation, “Oh come on, what the hell..” Realizing what I did when I see Dean is trembling, and whimpering I shut my mouth then get control of myself.

_Calm him down again._

When he is calm, I start the process of getting him out of his room. Again I find Dean’s clothes stuffed behind the bed. I get Dean up and dressed again take him to the living room. That way Dean can be comfortable while we ask the questions all three of us are dreading the answers to. He always tries to sit on the floor until I tell him to sit on the seat.

“Dean, why do you keep trying to sit on the floor?” I ask.

He whispers, “I don’t want it.”

“Don’t want what?” I ask.

Keeping his eyes down he responds, “To sit on the couch.”

“Why would you rather sit on the floor?” I ask.

“Please I don’t want to earn it, I’d rather sit on the floor then do that please don’t make me,” he says sobbing.

“Earn what?” I question him.

“The permission to sit on furniture,” he informs me.

“You don’t have to earn it,” I tell him. He nods and goes to sit on the floor.

“What are you doing?” I ask him.

“You, you said I don’t have to earn it, please I don’t want to do it,” he says in a shaky voice scanning the room for invisible danger.

“I meant you don’t have to earn it, you can sit on the couch without having to earn it,” I explain to him.

He looks so unsure and scared, he hesitates several times before sitting on the couch. He is sitting on the couch with his knees to his chest, looks like he is trying to be as small as possible.

The conversation starts with me saying, “Dean we need to know what happened to you? I know you don’t like these kinds of conversations but we can’t help you if we don’t know what happened.”

Dean just sits there, no response, normally Dean would say, ‘Nothing to fix, I’m fine,’ and try to change the subject with a joke.

After a few more attempts Cas leans over whispers in my ear, “Make it an order.”

I flinch back Horrified, “I will not use whatever this behavior is against him.”

Cas sighs, sadness on his face replies, “It must be done. We need answers.”

I rub my hands through my hair, I seem to be doing that a lot today, knowing this is the right decision doesn’t make it any easier. Since Dean has been home, he only responds to direct orders. My voice comes out sounding desperate, I choked out “Dean tell us what happened when you were taken until arriving back at the bunker last night.”

_I hate this, I really hate this._

I cringe when Dean begins talking, he is emotionless. Sounds like a robot, detached. I missed a few words Dean said due to the shock of how Dean is speaking, but I get the gist. Someone must have hit Dean over the head while he was leaving the bar that night. He didn’t see the face of his attacker.

I force myself to focus instead of watching Dean’s emotionless face. Dean keeps his head down and starts talking.

“I needed correcting, Sir helped me.”

_What the hell does that mean?_

I try to see Dean’s face, but his chin is too close to his chest. I ask, “What do you mean correcting?”

Dean’s reply cuts right to my heart. “I was broken, Sir said I was fixed now so he left me there for you.”

_For me?_

I rub my face, “Ok, tell us what happened when you woke up after you were knocked out.”

Dean starts, “I woke up in a room, my head, and arms aching. I checked my surrounding, the room was empty except a table and a few chairs. A light bulb with a string hanging down. The light was on. I was in my correct p-po-position...”

Cutting him off “Wait, what correct..?”

Dean interrupts me with his hand up, "Please don't say it, that word pl-please."

He looks so scared.

"Okay Dean, no worries I won't say it," Dean takes a deep breath before continuing.

This is starting to sound so much worse than I expected.

Dean fidgets, hands turning over each other answers my question, “Kneeling facing the corner, my hands were in the wrong spot, still chained up to the ceiling. Sir hadn’t told me yet that my arms go behind me.”

I ask, “Were... um were you naked then too?” Of course is Dean’s response as if everyone should know this.

_He sounds so weak, scared and tired._

Feeling deeply devastated, I nod hoping Dean continues without me telling him too. I don’t think I could get out a coherent word right now. Afraid I will have to leave the room to vomit, and or cry I take deep breaths till I calm down. Dean continues.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean P.O.V

 

"I looked around the room searching for a way out of the restraints. Pulling didn't budge them even slightly only caused me pain. There was no way out of them, I yelled for a while, but no one responded. I knew praying wouldn't help not with the angel warding on the wall. I'm not sure how much longer it was until I heard a door open. I could hear two sets of feet walking towards me. One was a woman, the other a man. The man stepped towards me and said.

“'Hello, Dean it has been a while.” I didn't recognize him. 

“I replied, 'Not long enough for me.'

“The man laughed, 'Oh Dean we are going to have so much fun.'

“I made eye contact while I said: 'I am going to kill you.'

“The man stepped away as if he didn't hear my threat, stepping up to the woman the man said to her. 'So how does this work?' I don't know who she was either, I don't think I've met her before that. The woman smirked at me, then turned back to the male. 

“I yelled out, 'Don't look at me bitch, I will be killing you too.'

“In a voice that sounds too sweet, almost childlike for an evil bitch. 'This will make him unable to defy you, every order you give he will have no choice but to follow even if he doesn't want to. In addition every statement you direct to him he will believe with no doubts even if you contradict something you have previously told him. You have to word it as a statement though. The belief will remain even after the spell has ended.' 

“Nothing I could do, but listen to their conversation. I needed information plus I couldn't think of anything to say after hearing her description of the spell. 

“The man replied, 'Will he be aware that he doesn't want to follow the orders?'

“The woman answered, 'Yes unless you order him to want to follow your orders.' 

“Listening to them describe the spell I didn't believe it was real, maybe they were just trying to scare me. I was wrong it's very real."

_ Hum, they all look surprised this spell exists. What if they don't believe me, what if they think I'm lying? _

"The man grinned, 'Oh but where is the fun in that? Maybe for later. How often will the spell have to be redone?'

“'Every 12 hours, best if you overlap by an hour,' sweet bitch answers.

“Turning back to me the man said: 'Are you ready for the fun to begin?' Blinking revealing his black eyes.

“The demon stepped towards me with a syringe in his hand, I gave him a hard look and said: 'You will regret this!' 

“The Demon laughed then said, 'I don't think so, I've been waiting a long time to repay you.' 

“I asked, 'Repay me for what?' 

“The demon responded, 'Sending me back to hell, took time to get back but that also gave me time to think of all the ways I'm going to make you regret it.'

“I started yelling 'Hey hey get that thing away from me!' moving as far away as possible as he moved closer to me. The syringe was pushed in my arm the plunger pushed all the way down leaving behind a stinging sensation. The demon said a string of words in an unknown language to me. The Demon patted me on the head, I ripped my head as far away as possible making the demon laugh.

“The demon said, 'We will just give that a few minutes to take effect. Are you as excited as I am?' All the demon got as a response from me was a death glare that most would be scared of. I'm not sure of the time that lapsed I started to feel fuzzy like when I have had to take painkillers in a hospital.

“The demon stepped up to me smiling, the woman no longer there. The demon said, 'Okay to start with Dean do not talk till I say so.' I wanted so badly to yell and cuss at him but I couldn't no matter how much I tried. The demon again laughing said, 'Well I see we are ready to start, Dean we are going to start with the rules.'

“'First, you will refer to me and any male as Sir from now on.' Throwing death glares at him, and rolling my eyes during his speech. At that time I really thought there was no way I was going to call him Sir. He continued listing the rules, 'Second, you are not to leave this house without my say so. Third, you will get into the correct,’” 

_ Come on, open your mouth get the word out, quit being a wuss.  _

“‘po-po-position every time I enter the room, I will teach it to you.’” 

There is a weight pressing on my chest, cold sweat, and my hands are shaking. I quickly hide my hands so Sam doesn’t get worried.  

“‘Forth, when anyone uses the word,'”

_ Really again It's just a word, arr so pathetic. _

“'re-re-repeat you will say out loud what I call, "The all about Dean phrase." You will also say your re-re-repeat every time I enter the room. Not to worry I will teach that to you also. I'm looking forward to it, aren't you? You may answer.'

“I growled out clenching my jaw, 'No sir!' I planned on not saying Sir but it came out without my permission.”

_ Will Sam have the same rules? Or new ones? He didn't have rules before, but maybe that’s why I was broken, If he did have rules would I have been fixed before Sir took me? _

“Sir laughed and said in a menacing tone, looking straight into my eyes, 'Good!'

“'You fucking piece of shit I’m going to enjoy killing you, ripping you to pieces,' I got out before ordered not to talk again. 

“'Dean no speaking until I give you permission,' he said. I clenched my teeth together again, anger building in me. Fighting to get my arms free, He didn't even bother trying to stop me."

_ Wow, Cas looks really angry?  _

"I wasn't getting out of them."

_ I was never strong enough to fight him, too weak, he always won.  _

"'The reason you are here is you are broken, I will help fix you. Dean, are you broken? Shake your head for no, and nod for yes.' I nodded I knew I was broken, I didn't remember knowing this before, but I did then. 

“Sir started talking again pacing back and forth in front of me. 'When I ask you a question I expect an answer using either a shake of the head side to side for a no or a nod for a yes unless you have permission to speak at that time. Do you understand?' I nodded. 

“'Any time I provide you with food you will say Thank You, Sir. If you do not have permission to speak at that time, say thank you Sir, and nothing else. You are free to use the restroom as long as you are not currently entertaining me. Do not attempt to break the angel wardings or even touch them. Let us start with the correct p-p-po-position for you first, do not move.'” 

_ Great now I’m crying, could I be any more weak and pathetic. How can Sam, Cas, and Kevin stand to look at me?  _

“Sir removed the restraints and told me, 'Move your back straight put your hands behind your back and face the corner with your head down. That is your correct p-position, any time anyone says the word po-position you are to po-position yourself just as you are now. Do you understand?' I nodded 'Good Dean you look beautiful like this. Dean, do you look beautiful like this?' He asked me with a vile smile on his face. I nodded. I hate that um a po-pos.." _Come on it's just a word, no big deal quit being so pathetic_ , "pos-position so much." 

_ That's great show them how weak you are again. _

"I was so scared, my breathing quickened, there was no way to fight back, not with that spell. I held on to the hope Sam would find me soon, that is if you even knew I was missing yet.  

“'Dean, don't move. I will be right back, while I'm gone sing me a song that you love,’ he sang out while laughing, before leaving the room.

“I started to sing one of my favorite songs that reminds me of dad, a tear fell from my eye. I couldn't wipe it off to hide it from him since he ordered me not to move.

"Please don't ask me what song I can't even say the name anymore. All three shake their head saying they won't ask. 

_ That song is ruined now, I loved that song. _

"Sir returned with a stand-up chalkboard smiled then said, ‘Aww you’re crying, get used to it. You are a horrible singer, stop singing, no talking. That is now my favorite song, anytime I tell you to sing that is the song you are to sing. Dean, do you understand?' I nodded glad he didn't give me permission to speak, there was a lump in my throat. 

“He then said something I wouldn't have expected, 'Since I haven't taught you, "The all about Dean phrase" yet I will forgive you this one time for not saying it when I entered the room. Don't expect it again.’ My mind was spinning, he must be crazy forgiving me for not doing something he hasn't told me yet. 

“He moved on saying, ‘I will write it on the board for you to see anytime I am not here.’ I tried to hide my fear with a look of defiance glaring at him. 'This is the phrase that I hope you will learn to love.' I rolled my eyes but I was secretly glad that was not an order. I was sure whatever this phrase was I wouldn't like it.

“'After I am done you re-re-peat after me.'

   “'I am a worthless, disgusting, fat, ugly, stupid, whore that doesn't deserve love and will never be loved.' I gasped, swallowed a lump in my throat looking at him horrified." 

_ Uh, they all look disgusted, Sir was right. They are sickened by me now.  _

"Um, I recited the phrase, each word caused my anger to increase. Sir smiled before telling me, 'Dean every word of "The all about Dean phrase” is true. Dean, is every word in "The all about Dean phrase” true?' I nodded. I stopped being angry for that once I learned it’s all true."

_ Sam looks like he wants to say something, oh it must be to tell me he already knew "The all about Dean phrase" is true. Why didn’t he ever tell me? _

"Sir continued speaking, 'I just love to see your face when you are powerless, it gets me all hot inside. How about you does it get you all hot inside?' I shook my head wishing I could tell Sir what a douche he was, I tried with my eyes. 

“'Alright, we are making good time, I love this spell, you know it took me years to find the perfect spell and to plan all this out. Are you impressed?' I shook my head. 

“Sir replied, 'Oh well maybe that will change or maybe not, depends on my mood for the day.' I groaned, I knew that at any time I could be ordered to feel/think however he wanted. For the first time, something other than amusement showed on Sir's face as he said, 're..re..um, that R-word." 

Shaking my head, fists clenched in my lap, I'm so frustrated.

_ I can't say a simple fucking word, it's embarrassing. _

Cas assures me, "It's ok, we know what word you mean okay, that includes the p-word, you don't have to say either." 

Nodding I slip out a, "Thank you, Sir," to Cas. 

_ Why does Cas look sad now? _

"Ok so um I started saying "The all about Dean phrase," Suddenly I was being kicked, Sir was yelling, 'That is not correct now R-word until I tell you to stop. You will keep going until you get it right.' Laying on the floor holding my side, checking for any broken ribs while I started my R-word again. Sir pulled a chair up sat down then called out with a big smirk, “P-word” Quickly I moved into the correct P-word while concentrating on continuing to speak. It took me 20 times before he decided it was done correctly. I know I started getting it correct after the first 5 but it's not up to me to say, nothing was up to me anymore. At first, I thought to say that over and over wouldn't bother me but at around the 10th time, I was feeling sick" 

_ They will be disgusted with me after this, why did Sam have to ask me to tell him what happened. Now they are going to know, I was too weak to stop it. Will Sam be ashamed to be my brother, I bet he will tell me to leave or rewards no, no he wouldn't do that Sir didn't say Sam would, just that he might want to. I think I'm going to be sick. Why is Sam kneeling in front of me? _

Sam is looking at me strangely asking, "Dean you okay I've been calling your name, look at me." I lift my head to see his face. Again he says, "Dean you ok?" 

Everything seems fuzzy like I'm in a dream or trying to see through a fog. I reply, "Yeah I'm ok, I'm fine." 

Sam gives me an odd look then says, "Are you sure?"

I tell him, "Yeah I'm sure." 

Sam gets up, goes back to his seat saying, "Okay...continue." 

I can't feel my body, I must be going crazy. Nothing feels real, maybe I'm in a dream. Won't hurt to tell dream Sammy what happened next. Either way, I want him to know what Sir did for me. I continue my report.

"After that, he stood up and turned the chalkboard around. Walked up to me grabbed my face forcing me to look up at him hard enough to turn my body facing away from the corner. I resisted and tried to pull my face away. He gave me permission to speak.

“I yelled at him, 'Get away from me you sick bastard!' 

“Sir ordered me not to move my arms, legs or back. My legs and arms felt like weights were strapped to them. My back felt like a metal rod was forcing it straight.  

“I continued to yell at him, 'Get off me, touch me you die!' 

“Amused he said, 'Dean stop talking. I think it is time to put that mouth of your to better use, don't you?' I shook my head repeatedly, silently begging in my head for him to leave me alone. 

“Sir unbuckled his belt then unbuttoned his pants and pulled the zipper down. My heart started pounding in my chest and a cold sweat came over my body. He lowered his pants, no boxers to move. He had a smirk on his face seeing the fear that must have shown on my face. Then gave out the disgusting order I knew was coming. 'Dean open your mouth, no biting and keep your eyes open, looking into mine.' As I'm following the order I was screaming in my head over, and over NO, NO, NO please someone gets here quick. I choked when Sir roughly shoved his dick deep down my throat. I tried to pull away only to have my hair grabbed in a tight grip forcing my head still. Tears were running down my face, spit coming out of my mouth down my chin to my chest. Sir had a look of pure joy on his face that made me choke even more.

“Sir grunted, and moaned, 'Ah, Dean your mouth was just made for fucking, a dirty slut like you already knows that though. You can't hide what you are from me, I can see it. Dean was your mouth made for fucking?' I nodded as much as I could while in his tight grip, not sure why I didn't know that before but now I have no doubt it's true. Everytime he hit the back of my throat brought on sharp pains. I was so angry I growled at him. Sir enjoyed that said, 'Dean you are very good at this, do that again.' I had no choice I had to do it again. Repeatedly my head was pulled forward as he forced himself deeper and held himself there till I felt like I was going to pass out. 

“Having to look into his eyes the whole time was the worst part. I couldn't close my eyes or look away. I could see his happiness, and he could see my fear. He stammered out grunts, deep breaths between words, 'Oh yes, Dean take it all, like the dirty whore you are. Dean, are you a dirty whore?' I nodded. Sir pulled out and told me to keep my mouth open and stick out my tongue. I was gasping for breath, felt dizzy. I watched in horror as he stroked himself grunting and moaning my name till he came all over my face and in my mouth. Sir laughed while he quickly covered my mouth with his hand, and instructed me to swallow it. Grudgingly I followed the order, I didn't want to follow it, but my body did it, no matter how much I fought against it. It tasted so disgusting, It was a struggled holding back from vomiting. 

“Sir redressed himself and told me to stay still, he will be right back. A few minutes later Sir came back into the room holding a bottle of water, what looked to be a sandwich and a sleeping bag. Quickly I got into my correct P-word and started my R-word, he stood there watching, told me I did good. I couldn't believe I actually did that, it was automatic, I couldn't stop myself. Noticing the food, water, and blanket again, I was confused, demon’s don't need those things they couldn't be for me, I was sure Sir didn't care about my accommodations. 

“He must have read the confused look on my face cause he said. 'Can't have you getting sick, I need you at your best, you are free to move around the house. Sneaking glances at the ladder trying to determine if I can make it there. ‘Do not try to leave the house or open the blinds. Do not try to attack me or harm me in any way that includes exercising me. Do not make any devil's traps either. Dean, you want to follow those orders.’ After he said that the urge to run up the ladder and find a way out was gone I didn't want to leave anymore, but I also didn't want to stay. Sir placed the food and water on the table and put the sleeping bag on the floor near my corner. I used the restroom to clean myself up. As I was picking up the food I said in a soft scratchy voice, 'Thank you, Sir,' for the food. I didn't want to show any kind of appreciation but the spell forced me to. Every bite of food hurt to swallow, the water seemed to help some.

“He came back, I quickly ran back to the corner to my correct p-word and again started my R-word. After I was done he asked me how I enjoyed my last meal eating at a table. Still not able to talk I just gave him the dirtiest look I could. Sir roughly grabbed my chin then yelled at me. 'Do not move,' then said 'Dean do you really think those looks or sounds scare me, well they don't, in fact, all they do Is turn me on. Do you really want me to get horny again?' He laughed. I couldn't move to shake my head with him holding my chin or talk till he said I could, he stepped back and backhanded me. I hit the wall, had to lay there till he said I could move again. 'Baby we are just getting started,' He said." I fell asleep, horrible nightmares. When I woke up, everything just got worse.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam P.O.V

 

Not able to hear anymore I interrupt Dean, "Dean stop please." Dean stops speaking immediately. "Okay Dean I think that is enough for now, let us have dinner and relax the rest of the night. We can pick back up tomorrow." Getting no response I head to the kitchen to prepare dinner. Cas and Kevin stay sitting with Dean attempting to make small talk with Dean trying to ignore the tension in the room. Unable to stop the tears rolling down my face I change my direction. I allow myself a few minutes to sob not cry but sitting on the bathroom floor head on my knees sobbing. After I calm myself and clean up I head for the kitchen again.

 

++++++++++++++++++++

 

Kevin P.O.V.

 

After a few tries to include Dean in a conversation, I realize why Dean is so quiet. I look right at Dean and say; "Dean you are allowed to speak anytime you want, to anyone and you never need permission ever again.

Dean looks up relief written on his face he says, "Thank you, sir." 

I sigh, "Dean you do not have to call anyone sir anymore." 

Dean's eyes start to tear up, he attempts to turn before we can see. Slightly choked up Dean whispers, "Thank you so much, that feels so much better." Not sure what he means I ask what feels better. Dean looks ashamed says, "Every one of those rules feels like a strap squeezing my chest, the ache has lessened now."

I'm not sure what to say at first, I am too upset and angry for Dean. If I allow those feelings to show Dean may think they are directed at him. I take several deep breaths before responding back.

"Well, in that case, we will have to remove all of those straps. So far we have removed the first strap, moving on to the second strap. Dean you do not need permission to leave the bunker." I can see some of the tension leaving Dean's body. Optimistic this is helping I move on to the third and fourth strap. Before I think it through I lets slip out the 2 words Dean dreads the most. "Okay next is the position and repeat rules, I'm not sure the best..." Not able to finish my sentence because Dean is scrambling to the corner taking his clothes off as quickly as he can while reciting that awful phrase.

I freeze in shock not sure what to do. Cas moves at a fast pace towards Dean and tells him, "Dean stop." Dean looks unsure, not knowing exactly what Cas told him to stop doing. Cas tries again, "Dean stop removing your clothes and saying those words. Put your clothes back on and come sit on the couch." Dean takes a few calming breath nods and does as instructed.

When Dean is back to the couch he looks towards us, but eyes still angled towards the floor, quietly he says, "Please don't make me do that again, Please please, I'll do anything else you want just don't say those words please.”

He leans forward reaches out a shaking hand, places it on my knee then starts to move his hand up my thigh. The look on his face shows defeat, disgust, and acceptance. Realizing what he is doing I quickly move away, “Dean stop No, you don’t have to do that,” I tell him as I push his hand off me. He pulls it back as if I burned him.  

_Oh God, he is crying, I did that to him. I caused him more pain._

He is still begging, I need to say something. I open my mouth to speak but stop when I see Cas is giving me an angry look. Instead, Cas starts speaking. "Dean do not leave the couch or speak until I am done speaking, no matter what words I use, even if you were told previously to respond in a specific way to any of the words I use. Do you understand?" Dean nods as he was told not to speak. 

Cas starts again, "Dean you do not have to follow rule 3 or 4 anymore. The words 'position' and 'repeat,'" 

_ Cas looks ready to stop Dean if he gets up again but Dean doesn't move. _

"Will no longer force you to act on them. In the future when you hear those words you will not get into the 'correct position' or say 'The all about Dean phrase.' You never have to do either of those things again. You are the only one that decides where and how you place your body. You may speak now but you do not need permission to speak. We will not say them either if that is what you want but remember those words have no power anymore."

Dean sits there for a few minutes looking like he didn't hear Cas at all until tears are rolling down his cheeks. His shoulders shaking. It is obvious he is trying to hide it, but when Cas places his hand on Dean's arm Dean launches himself at Cas hugging him. Now Dean is openly sobbing while repeating, "Thank you, Sir." 

Cas speaks softly to Dean while running his fingers through Dean's hair, "No thank you is necessary, we will get through this together." Slowly Dean calms down soaking up the affection and comfort. Dean pulls away realizing what he was doing looking embarrassed he avoids eye contact. 

Dean speaks so softly I can bearly hear him, "Um even though they don't have power anymore can you guys not say them still. I mean well you can if you want?" 

_ What happened to all the confidence and strength Dean uses to carry. When and I do mean when not if we find whoever hurt him will die a slow painful death. The Winchesters don’t give up, he won’t have a place to hide. _

Cas leans closer to him speaking in a very clear and passionate voice, "Dean none of us will say those words, you do not have to worry anymore okay?" Dean makes eye contact, smiles for the first time I've seen since being back, gives a small nod in response.

When Sam calls us all in the kitchen for dinner we all stand. I hear Dean softly whisper to himself, “Food again?” Before I could say anything he left the room. Then the sitting on the floor again distracted me enough to forget about the food comment. He had to be told to eat at the table instead of the floor again.

Sam places a plate of food in front of Dean he says, "Thank you, S..." cuts himself off before he can finish saying, Sir. 

Realizing we missed that rule I inform Dean, "You only have to say thank you if you want to, nothing bad will happen if you don't." Dean nods.

Sam looks at me and Cas to get an explanation of what just happened. I voicelessly say later to Sam, seeing this Sam nods. After they all finish dinner Cas and I work on cleaning up the kitchen. 

 

+++++++++

 

Dean's P.O.V.

 

Looking around the room nothing seems real, focusing is difficult and everything seems slower. Noises sound far away. Today has been overwhelming, I'm so tired. I'm safe here, yet thoughts cross my mind trying to convince me I"m not. Loud sounds cause me to tense so quickly I don't even have time to remind myself I’m safe. Then it's too late, panic sets in, terror inciting me to hide. Every touch feels like fire spreading across my skin. Just thinking about being touched sickens me but at the same time, I haven’t had physical affection for a long time. I mean hugs, not sex, I don’t know if I’ll ever have a sex drive again.

Nightmares are not new to me, these are terrifying. This is not the first time I've been tortured only in Hell you still have the ability to make choices. That's not to say you will like the result of one choice more than the others. In Hell, I was asked to participate in the torturing of others soul’s. They were extremely persuasive yet, in the end, you choose if you came off the rack. What Sir did was worse, he took everything; my body, choices, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, self-esteem, strength, and free will. I'm not positive I'll be able to get any of them back. How destroyed are they?

Now that Sam, Cas, and Kevin said I don't have to follow all those rules and can make my own choices I feel stuck. I don't know what the correct choices are, I don't want to be wrong. No matter how many times they tell me I'm safe, I have this feeling of doubt. That there is a possibility of me not being safe with my family. Sam is in control of the rules now, and with that comes punishment/rewards. No matter how many times I tell myself he wouldn't ever use those, I can hear Sir saying "Shut up, there is always the possibility he will want to."

Sam is reading a book, I watch him, he looks exhausted. Dark purple under his eyes, sagging shoulders.

I did this to him, Sam deserves a better brother, not this pathetic dirty useless one he is burdened with. I should leave, save them all from having to look at me, talk to me. How can they possibly want me? 

   "Dean?"

My body jumps hearing my name called, dreading whatever is going to be said to me my body tenses. Surely they have realized I don't deserve all the things they have given me. Are they going to take the clothes back or reduce my food? Shuddering at the thought I may have to earn my clothes, and food crosses my mind. I'm gonna be sick! Considering all the different things they could do or say to me. It's getting hard to breathe in here, I can't get enough air. When did it get so hot in here? Pinpoint needle-like pain is spreading across my back and shoulders. I feel dizzy and light headed, I think I'm going to pass out or die. Something is wrong with my heart it's beating too fast. Someone's hand is placed on my chest, and one of my hands is placed on a chest. I can hear someone speaking, but I'm not able to make out what the words are. Pushing myself as hard as I can to focus on the voice, I hear a few words. "Dean.. breath..chest..copy me." Focusing on the breaths of the other's chest, it's starting to get easier to breathe, the ache in my chest is dissipating. When I open my eyes my vision is blurred. Shapes are starting to form, someone is kneeling in front of me. "That's it Dean..breathe..me, you're doing great..focus on me." 

My vision clears, my chest doesn't hurt as much, I can breathe now. Its Sam kneeling in front of me, my palm is pressed against his chest. Sam gives me a smile, it's not a real smile but one you give someone to calm them, I'll take it though. Sam looks worried, I ask him if he is okay he laughs, a real laugh not one to patronize me. It's nice to see, I've missed seeing my Sammy laugh and smile. 

Sam replies, "Really you're worried about me, Dean you are the one that just had a panic attack." His tone of voice is kind and compassionate not harsh or angry. 

_ A panic attack, I can't have those. Great now Sam gets to see even more of my weakness. _

"Dean say something,” Sam requests. 

Not sure what to say, "okay," comes out earning me another smile. Sam's hand lightly pats my chest once causing me to flinch before he removes it. Removing my hand also I look around and notice Cas and Kevin are in the room also. Kevin hands me a bottle of water and a wet washcloth. 

_ What do I do with that?  _

Not sure what to do with the washcloth I look to Kevin. Kevin must have seen the question on my face before I could speak. He says, "I use to have panic attacks often, put the washcloth on the back of your neck it may help." 

I reply, "Oh um thanks, thank you." The washcloth does help, for several minutes we just sit there. Sam moved on to the couch next to me. Just feeling his presence helps even without speaking. 

Sam asks, "You feel okay now? We can stay here or go somewhere else, you do not have to stay here." For some reason, I don’t understand that makes me feel better. Cas comes in the room holding several plates placing one in front of me.

I start to get up to sit on the floor to eat before I can finish getting up Sam says, “Sit on the couch to eat.” I could cry, I have missed this so much. Digging in suddenly freezing, 

_ I forgot to say thank you. _

Sam leans over, "You don't have to say thank you, enjoy your pie." Taking a deep breath, I smile back at Sam and do just that, apple pie never tasted this good, it's always been awesome but right now it's the best pie I have ever had. Starting to get tired, a full stomach and warm from the blanket that was placed on me always tires me out. 

I tell them I want to go to bed, "um I..I. um, would like to..to got to bed, I mean if that's ok with you."

Sam asks me to look up, I look up embarrassed, in a gentle voice Sam says: "Dean you can sleep whenever and wherever you want that includes in your bed, oh and you don't have to take your clothes off if you don't want to." I nod a feeling of warmth and relief washes over me, I stand up to go to my room. Once in my room, I'm not sure what to do. Should I shower? Showering sounds nice but I’m so tired, it doesn’t matter it’s not like I’ll be clean after anyway. Maybe I should ask Sam what he wants me to do. I’m about to do that when I hear knocking on my door.

Dean, can I talk to you?

_ NO no he can’t want that, no, please. _

He is opening the door, my chest tightenings and my heart start pounding in my chest. He is saying something I can’t make out each word.

“Have.. corner... Clothes... Phrase..”

_ How could I have been so stupid, Kevin said I don’t have to follow the rules. Not Sam, he is the one in charge.  _

Quickly I get my clothes off move to the corner to start my repeat. He is getting closer, all I hear now is a buzzing. He stands next to me, touches the top of my head. Suddenly I realize I’m not with Sam I’m with Sir, him I know what he wants. Turning towards him, I reach up to open his pants. He pushes my hands away and moves away from me, holds his hands in front of himself to stop me.

That’s odd why wouldn’t he want it, he signaled that he wants it?

Taking a risk I look up, his face looks pained. That doesn’t make sense, the longer I look at him the more he doesn’t look like himself. He kinda looks like Sam, this room looks like my room. Shaking my head, clearing some of the fog from my head.

“Sam Is that you?” I ask.

“Yeah Dean it’s me, your home,” he tells me. 

“Oh um ok,” I reply. Not know what else to say.

Moving closer to continue my attempt to service him, I just want to get this over with so I can go to bed.

“Dean quit it, what are you doing?” he asks in a demanding tone.

“You, you don’t want my mouth?” I ask.

_ I’m so confused, why doesn’t he want it, that must mean he wants more. _

“No, no I don’t want your mouth,” he says in almost a shout. Great now I made him angry.

_ Ug so this will take longer, I’m so tired. _

Turning around putting my hands on the floor, waiting for the pain. It doesn’t happen? What is he waiting for, turning my head slightly trying to see him without him knowing I dared to look. He is standing there with his mouth open, wide eyes, hands shaking.

“Sam are you ok? I’m tired um could you please make it quick. I mean if that’s ok with you if that’s what you want. Nevermind sorry, I’ll just be quiet,” I quickly shut up. I don’t want him any angrier. I’m so tired, I just want to go to sleep. 

“Dean, can you please get dressed?” Sam says in a panicked voice.

“Um ok, can I get up to do that?” I ask. 

“Yeah, let me know when you are done,” he tells me.

Then he turns his back to me.

_ What did I do wrong? _

Do I sit on the bed or go back to the corner, back onto my knees. This would be so much easier if he would just tell me what to do. Oh God, he must be really angry, he doesn’t even want to look at me. 

My hands are shaking, I don’t know what he wants. “Please, tell me what you want, I’ll do anything just please don’t be mad at me. Please tell me where to sit, I’m sorry whatever I did I’m sorry.” It’s getting hard to breath again, I need to calm down before I pass out.

“Dean, come sit on the bed with me,” he says. He sits down pats the spot next to him. He doesn’t look angry, he looks sad?

“Okay,” I sit next to him. “You want to on the bed, um why did you tell me to put my clothes back on? I’m so confused, what did I do wrong?”

“Nothing, I don’t want you on the bed either. I’m not here for sex in any form. I just wanted to ask if you needed anything before going to sleep,”

“Oh ok, I’m good I don’t need anything. Since you’re here I was going to come ask you what you want me to do. Should I shower before bed or not, I don’t know what to do next. Can you please tell me, it’s scary to make decisions.”

“Ok let’s do this from now on if you need to know what I want you to do take a moment first to think about what you want to do. If you want to do something that doesn’t result in you getting hurt then that is what I want you to do. I want you to do whatever it is you want. That would make me happy, you doing what you want. If you are more comfortable you can tell me after, make sure to tell me it was what you wanted and I’ll remind you how happy that makes me. Okay?

“Um ok yeah, I can do that,” I respond. Now, what do I say, I just want to go to bed? 

“Alright since you're all set I’m going to go,” he says. He reaches over to pat my knee but stops before he touches me. Hand hovering, then he moves his hand gets up leaves the room.

_ Of course, he doesn’t want to touch me, who would want to touch me. Dirty disgusting fat body, even I don’t want to touch me. _

Not even changing, I’m too tired I lay down wrap the blanket around myself. Quickly my eyes shut drifting to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Sam P.O.V

 

Plopping down on the couch, checking on Dean was a disaster. That’s going to give me nightmares. Sitting with my head in my hands, Cas and Kevin waiting for me to speak. I'm not sure what to say, so I just ramble out my thoughts directed toward no one in particular. "This is so much worse than I thought. What did this demon do, read a how to best break someone's mind handbook? So many; so many times while Dean was talking I wanted to interrupt him. Correct the lies he was told that he still believes. I know it won't change any of the beliefs he was forced to believe though. 

“One moment he is stuttering, mumbling words out the next he sounds like a machine. So many times he looked scared, worried, was he afraid of our response? Did you see towards the end he changed, all emotions left his face, it was as if he wasn't really there mentally anymore. The way he described what that bastard did as if he was talking about the weather, calm, monotone, dead voice. A few times there it sounded like he was trying to convince us that he fought back as much as possible and that he didn't really want or like what was done to him. I wanted to interrupt him reassure him we know he tried, we know the spell controlled him. Oh God, He said he was waiting for me to get there, to save him. He waited and begged and I didn't show up, what must he have thought. Did he think we didn't want him anymore?" I’m starting to panic.

I feel a hand squeeze my shoulder Cas Says, "We will help him heal, it will take time."

My head snaps up, "How are we going to fix this, you saw him right?"

Cas sits next to me looks me in the eyes responds, "He does not need to be 'fixed' he is not broken!"

The word broken reminds me that Dean was told he is broken. "Oh God do you think he still believes he is broken?" 

Cas sighs, "Dean said he was told he was fixed now, so that is what he will believe."   
  


I ask, "Why is he still following those disgusting rules, the spell is out of his system?" 

Cas responds, "Over time the spell caused brainwashing and conditioning. Normally that takes longer but with the spell the damage is instant. Towards the end, the spell may not have even been required to control him. Over time with reminders, he will not feel the compulsion to follow them. His brain knows he doesn't have to now that we basically 'made new rules' even if those rules are based on free will. That is what happened in the kitchen. Before dinner, we went over the rules with Dean, informing him he is no longer required to follow them. Until he gets used to thinking for himself telling him not to follow those rules is the only option we have to stop those behaviors. Patience will help, no judging and don't guilt him if he forgets the rules don't apply to him anymore. As for the beliefs that will be much harder to correct."

“That didn’t work, when I checked on him he was back in that corner naked saying that disgusting phrase. Then he uh um he offered himself to me. It was obvious he was scared. Trying to convince him I wasn’t interested in that from him only caused him to offer a different sexual act. At first, he didn’t even know It was me in the room. I don’t know what I did to make him think I wanted anything sexual from him. He didn’t do that earlier today,” I tell them. 

“Did you do anything different?” Kevin asks.

“Um I don’t think so let’s see, I knocked, I reminded him he didn't have to go in the corner, take his clothes off or say the phrase. Then I entered when I heard movement to find him in the corner naked saying it again. Slowly I moved towards him to tell him he could stop, I um touched the top of his head. That’s when he turned and tried to open my pants, he didn’t seem to recognize me. When I told him I didn’t want that from him he did something I never thought I would ever have to see. He um put his hands on the floor so he was on his hands and knees and offered me his body again. His whole body was shaking, gasping for breath and crying. I think he was about to have another panic attack. Took some work to get him dressed and convince him I wasn’t there for anything sexual. It was so horrible, he was confused, he thought he did something wrong because I didn't want him in that way. 

“Maybe he was told he had to offer himself to anyone, I think we should ask him,” Kevin tells me.

“Maybe we will know after he tells us more,” I say. Confused I ask, "Why can't we just tell him the beliefs he was told are not true?" 

Cas replies, "Beliefs about yourself are different than religious beliefs, humans develop them over time-based off of personal experiences. They become a part of who the person is influencing self-image, the perception of the outside world. Over time they can change usually with new information through experiences but with the spell, these ones are trapped unchangeable. Unfortunately, the things he was told are not so easy to find proof against and the spell will prevent him from ever doubting them even with evidence. There may be a way I can help him, it will not be an easy process, may take weeks."

Kevin joins the conversation, "How? What do we have to do?"

Cas's answer is not what Kevin or I want to hear. "Neither of you will be able to help with this, Only I can do this." 

Jumping to my feet pacing back and forth, "What? Why?"

_I need to help him, I need to do something. I already failed him once._

Cas begins to explain, "I would have to in a way hypnotize him, he would be aware he is not really there anymore. I enter his memories with him. Anytime that Demon says or does anything that would cause a negative belief in Dean I'll speak to Dean also contradicting each statement seconds after the demon overlapping his words with my words. While in there the spell will still work so anything I say will become the new belief. He will always remember what the demon said and did to him. The feelings will remain the same in the memories but in addition to those memories, he will have new memories of me speaking to him there also, and his feelings about my words/actions. I will attempt to alter any of the physical parts of his memories too. If they are too violent though he would remember them as me performing them also so I will not be overlapping those. In that instance, I will talk to him reminding him he is loved."

Kevin asks, "How are we going to get Dean to agree to this?"

I question right back, "What do you mean? Of course, he would agree."

Cas mumbles, "No he will not." 

Flustered I ask, "Why?"  
  


Cas takes a deep breath before speaking. "He does not believe that anything is wrong, to him all of those beliefs are true, Plus he believes that demon was helping correct him. He will not want to be broken again. With just one session of memory alteration, I could help him see there’re necessary and may want them. Our only option is to not explain what we are doing."

In a tight-lipped voice, I ask, "What lie to him, trick him, take control from him again. Nope, not going to happen, there has to be some other way!" 

Cas's face shows deep pain, it's obvious this is hurting him too. He replies, "Do not lie to him, tell him there is something we want to do, and ask him to let us without knowing what and why. We ask him to trust us. There is a strong possibility he will still refuse but we have to try."

Taking a deep breath first, "Okay so if he does allow this how does this work? Are there ingredients we need to get?"

"No, it is actually a fairly simple ritual, we will need a few drops of Dean's blood, and a few of mine. Mix them together, I use it to draw a sigil on his forehead then he draws the same on mine then I speak an Enochian incantation. We will need to lay next to each other holding hands. If either of us lets go we will leave the memory. No damage, it will be as if waking up from sleep. Dean will at any point be able to leave as well as I. This will not be restful like sleep, he would still require his normal sleep cycles. He will be emotionally and physically exhausted, we will have to go through every single memory. Otherwise, risk not contradicting a single belief that was formed during his time there. Every word said to Dean will need to be contradicted."

“You know for years I've wanted Dean to open up to me, he’s always given as little information as possible anytime feelings are involved. So why this time did he speak in great detail, including thoughts and feelings?” I question to either of them.

Kevin answers, “You ordered him to tell you what happened, thoughts and feelings are a part of those events.

_ I’m not sure how I feel about that, forcing Dean to share his inner thoughts, and feelings. _

Standing up I've reached my limit I tell them, "Okay well I'm going to go to bed, tomorrow we will try to convince Dean to let you do this. First I would like Dean to finish telling us what happened, maybe in fewer details. Um, Cas would you mind wa.."

Cas interrupts me, "I'll keep watch over Dean."

Rubbing my hand over the back of my neck, "Thanks."

Kevin stands up nods to both of us and leaves the room.

 

(next day)

Sam P.O.V

 

Sitting in the living room with Kevin, Cas, and Dean none of us are looking forward to this, it has already been a tough day starting right when Dean woke up. I’m not sure if Dean forgot or if those acts, and reactions are just ingrained in him. This morning I found him the same as yesterday. This time I was able to stop him mid-speech during that phrase. I was too late to stop him from getting into that position. I made sure to clearly remind him those acts are not required. He seemed confused, asking me if I wanted him to still follow those rules. When I explained that I didn’t and reminded him that he was told that yesterday. He said that Kevin can’t decide how he is required to behave for me also. After going over all the rules and telling him he doesn’t have to follow them. For some unknown reason, he had to hear it from me to believe it. No matter what I said he wouldn't make eye contact, I refuse to force him to by ordering him. It's one thing to use the “orders” to get him to eat or get dressed. Those are necessary, eye contact is not. As soon as he can care for himself, and make his own decisions I plan on never giving him an order ever again.

Then at breakfast, another "rule" interrupts our attempt to have some form of normalcy. After telling Dean he is not required to sit on the floor to eat I accidentally scared Dean. Stubbing my toe on the table, "Fuck," came out loudly before I quickly shut my mouth. Dean folded into himself as small as possible, covering his face. Took ten minutes to convince Dean I was not angry with him. 

_ When I find that demon bastard he will suffer along with that bitch. _

Rage and hatred building up, I didn't notice my hands clenched into fists at first until Kevin nudged my knee pointing to my hands. Thankfully I was able to calm my body, open my hands before Dean saw it.

Time to start this conversation or I won't be able to. "Dean today continuing from yesterday please tell us what happened, you are not required to give a day by day account. Give whatever amount of details you are comfortable with."

 

+++++++++++++++++++++

 

Dean's P.O.V

 

_ What if I give too much info or not enough will they get mad? _

"I don't, don't know where I left off, I can't remember everything was fuzzy towards the end of the day."

_I couldn’t have told them how he used me._

My ears start ringing when I hear Sam say "You left off after he gave you food, then backhanded you."

_The correcting was one thing, telling them I was broken was embarrassing. I thought they would be disgusted once they knew I was too weak to stop the fucking. That I deserved it for being a dirty whore, that’s what happens to whores. How can they not hate me? Why haven’t they left me? I’m sure they will after they hear the rest._

Sam's voice cuts through my thoughts. "Dean we are still here because we all love you, everything he did to you is not your fault. We don't see you any different. We are not ashamed or disgusted in you. None of it is your fault, everything he said to you was a lie. You didn’t, and still don’t deserve to be treated that way."

_ A lie, what is he talking about? Sir never lied to me. _

"Oh um, did I say all that out loud?" They all nod. "So no matter what I tell you, you won't get mad or leave me?" All three respond at the same time, "That's right." Sam again tells me it's not my fault, and it doesn't reflect on who I am. 

“Just so you know your wrong he never lied to me. Most of what he did had to be done to help me, and no one will ever love me, I don't deserve love,” I look down to hide my shame.

Taking a moment to prepare myself, I focus on my breathing, telling myself over and over what they just said. Normally I keep these kinds of things to myself. That's what I did with my Hell memories but this is different I want them to know all he did for me.

"Ok, so um every day we spent hours practicing po.. p.. P-word and R-word. Most days I thought I did them perfectly, but I was wrong. Sir said I got them wrong or I was too slow, he beat and fucked me for it daily. Sometimes while I was practicing. There was "Truth time" for hours he told me no one loves me. He said Sam doesn't love me, you hate me. Over and over he would tell me I'm: disgusting, stupid, fat, ugly, dirty, unlovable, and worthless. I was ordered to copy his words for hours, throughout the day he would ask me If I was stupid, fat, disgusting, dirty, unlovable, a whore and many other degrading terms. He would laugh every time I nodded. At first, he only reacted with laughing if I threatened or insulted him, but over time he started beating/fucking me for it. Towards the end, I was too scared to speak out. I remained quiet when I could. Every punch and kick or fucking I could avoid I did, even if that meant keeping my mouth shut.

“Sir ordered me to give him the location of where we stay. I fought so hard not to say it, I really did, really I tried not to but it all came out even with clenching my teeth. I begged him not to hurt you guys, to leave you alone. I promised to do anything he said. He laughed saying, 'You already have to do everything I say, I'm not planning on hurting them. When they see what you have become after this, it will hurt your precious Sammy plenty.' Anger from him calling you "Sammy" must have shown on my face, he became so angry. He beat me to the floor fucked me moaning, and yelling out 'Sammy' during. I barely made it to the toilet before I vomited after that.”

Looking up slightly I see Sam has his hand covering his mouth, he is gagging.

_ He is disgusted by me to the point of gagging.  _

Continuing on takes more effort, my throat feels scratchy and dry. Clearing my throat a few times helps. 

_ I hope they didn’t notice that.  _

“Every day I was allowed to eat once, If I dropped it or when he would get angry he would throw my food on the floor I still only had that to eat." 

_ Breath remember Sam said I could tell them anything, he won't blame me, I can do this, I can do this, breath ok. _

"Af-after about um a month and a half, I'm not sure it was hard to keep track of the days, his fr-friends started visiting me.” 

_ Do they hate me, I can't look up. If they hate me I’ll freeze, and not be able to talk anymore. _

“Sir watched as they fucked me, sometimes just one of them other times several at once. His friends would order me to beg them to fuck me or order me to plead with them to stop. Sir liked to order me to sing, "His favorite song" while they fucked me.

“They would laugh at me when I cried, calling me weak, pathetic, and other awful things. I tried to be strong I really did but every day I would end up crying at some point, Just more proof of my weakness. They would ask me if I was enjoying what they were doing and then laugh when I would shake my head. If I did cum they would laugh at me call me a dirty whore. I promise I didn't really enjoy it, I tried so hard to fight my body please believe me. I couldn’t stop it because whores cum even if they don’t want to, fighting it was pointless" 

_ What if they think I wanted it, they'll hate me. Maybe even tell me to leave or at the very least stop talking to me. So far none have said anything, is that a good sign or a bad sign?  _

"Sometimes they just beat me other times they beat me while fucking me. One of his friends would order me to crawl to him and beg for his cock. Some days Sir would take pictures of me. He didn't allow the others to take any, and he kept all the ones he took to himself." 

_ Oh God, he must be showing all of Hell those pictures. _

A tear escapes before I can control it, I wipe it away continue talking hopefully they didn't see it. 

"There was always blood somewhere, I was always bleeding somewhere. So much blood, the floor, walls, and my bed. Everything hurt, sitting, standing, and laying down. Some part of me was always in pain.

“I was naked at all times except for the days I earned a shirt, It was a longer shirt so it covered me to my thighs. To get the shirt for a day I had to talk um ah dirty with him or his friends while they fucked me, without being ordered to. He liked to make deals that I’d earn something for doing something I didn’t want to do without an order or chose one horrible thing over a different horrible thing. He always kept his deal’s, I’m ashamed to say I took several of the deals." 

_No look of disgust in any of their eyes, maybe they really don't blame me._

"It was my choice if I wanted the shirt." 

_ Idiot, I shouldn't have told them I choose it. _

Looking up again quickly reading their faces, their eyes still only show sadness and compassion. Those expressions help make it easier to keep talking. 

"The shirt hung on a hook if I wanted to earn it I would point to it, then he would give me permission to speak. I tried to resist wanting that shirt, but sometimes I was so cold. Goes to show you how pathetic I really am. 

“One day he caught me in the bathroom beating my head against the wall, I just wanted it all to end. He kicked down the door, I had locked it. Ordered me to stop then said, 'Dean do not try to hurt or kill yourself again.' I sat on the bathroom floor crying for what felt like hours. I wasn't allowed to shower for a week because of that stunt. After a week of their filth on me, I wouldn't have tried killing myself again even if he didn't order me not to. Even his friends were starting to complain towards the end of the week. He took the door off the bathroom after that because I don’t deserve privacy. 

“The only rules he told his friends was no permanent damage, and to never order me to want to follow their orders or order me to enjoy whatever they did to me. Never to tell me their names. I made up my own names for them, never said them out loud they were just for me.

“One of Sir's friends asked him why he lets me move around the house freely his response was, 'It's one thing to be restrained with no way out it's another to know with just the turn of a door handle in front of you would lead you to safety, but not be able to open the door.' Sir found that funny. Over time the silent defiant voice in my head that would threaten, yell, cuss, and call them every horrible name I could think of melted away till it was gone. I gave up after my failed suicide attempt, just shut down. I stopped feeling, crying, screaming only numbness. I did what I was ordered other than that I did nothing but lay staring at the wall till the next beating or fucking. After a while, some of his friends got bored with me. No amount of pain caused a reaction from me anymore. They could order me to cry or scream but it wasn’t the same to them. That must be how he knew I was fixed, they no longer wanted to fuck me.

“One day Sir said, 'This will be our last time to enjoy each other's bodies. Sad really I'm going to miss fucking your slutty, dirty body.' He ordered me to enjoy, and want him to fuck me. Gave me permission to speak. On my hands, and knees face pressed into the floor, he kept asking me if I was enjoying him fucking me.

“I replied, ‘Yes sir,’ each time. He would slap my ass and say, 'Oh yeah you are, a whore like you loves this.'

“Next he ordered, ‘Dean fuck yourself on me, rock back push your ass back. Get my whole dick in you nice, and deep yeah just like that keep going. Now you're an active participant.’

“Anytime I moaned or yelled out he told me he loved the sounds I made. I hated the sounds he made, all the grunting, moaning, growling and heavy breathing. Just thinking of it turns my stomach. 

“‘Dean call out my name loudly when you cum.’ He said.

“I told him in between breaths, ‘I don't know your name.’ 

“Grunting and moaning he responded, ‘Quite right I didn't tell you, It's Xavier.’ 

“Rocking back hard a few more times. My eyes rolled in the back of my head, my legs started shaking then my whole body stiffened, I yelled loudly, ‘Arrg Xavier aw yes Xavier. Shooting cum all over the floor, and my stomach.

“He laughed between gasps till he slammed in one last time, froze held me still yelling out, ‘Dean, Oh yeah fuck yeah Dean.’

“He didn't let me wash for the three days before that, I felt so gross the smell made me gag. Three days of him, and the few friends that still wanted me “filth” all over me, I just wanted to shower, but he said no. He wanted me to be pretty for my special guest. Now I'm guessing Sam you were the special guest.

“After that Sir chained me back up saying, 'Dean all the rules transfer to Sam now,  you will R-word and P-word for him, and anyone else that says P-word and R-word. Every Time he enters the room you will greet him with your correct P-word and R-word for him. He will take over your punishments and if he chooses rewards. You may speak, Do you understand?' While noded I said, 'He won't do that, Sammy won't do that to me, he won't want to.' Sir brushed his hand down my back slapped my ass said, 'Awe I doubt he could pass up this dirty ass.' Grabbed, and squeezed my ass hard. I shook my head over and over saying, 'No no no he won't no he won't, you are wrong he won't.' Sir looked annoyed yelled at me, 'Shut up, there is always the possibility he will want to. After that the words ‘Always the possibility’ went through my mind over and over.

“‘Dean, you are now fixed, no longer broken, isn't that great? I'm quite proud of myself. So proud in fact, that you want to tell any person that asks everything I did for you, and all about the dirty fucking.’ Still shaking my head back and forth, He ordered me to say, 'Thank you for fixing me.' Then said, 'Sam will be here soon so this is goodbye,' he injected my arm with something, last I saw before everything went black was Sir break the angel wardings then he left."

  
  


++++++++++++

 

Sam P.O.V

 

Dean stops talking, we all have tears falling down our faces. I have so many questions and comments I want to make. None of my commentaries will make a difference, no matter how hard I try. He will still believe everything they forced him to believe, but I can't just do nothing. I have to try, at least he will know I don't agree with the lies he was told. The way he insulted and criticized himself throughout made me want to jump in tell him he is wrong. Nothing I do or say will fix this, Cas is our only option.

I hope and pray Dean agrees to let Cas in his memories. Every one of them will pay for what they did to Dean, I don't enjoy torture but I'll make exceptions for them! What was that demon talking about, me taking over his rewards? I can guess what the punishments were, but none of what Dean said described rewards. 

Now I understand the suspicious look Dean gave me when I gave him clothes. Wait, no...that's not possible, he wouldn't believe I could do that to him, would he? That monster did hint at it not telling Dean clearly if I would want to do that. Still, there is no way Dean would think that. I will have to talk to him about this also, can't have him worrying constantly something will set that in motion. That sick bastard rapes him then puts doubt in Dean’s head that I may do the same. When I get my hands on that demon he will suffer, he will beg me to let him die before I'm done.  

Watching Dean talking was heartbreaking, he was fidgeting, eyes darting around the room. Stuttering, mumbling a few times I could barely make out what he was saying. Several times it looked like he gaged, some of those times I did too. Majority of the time he didn't look at our faces. I don't know if he was hiding his face or avoiding seeing our reactions, maybe both. I'm almost sure he didn't realize he cried through most of it. If I knew for sure interrupting him wouldn't have upset him in any way I would have asked him to stop. I said he could tell us as much or as little as possible. If I stopped him he may have thought something he said caused me to see him in a bad light. The choice had to be his, enough choices were taken from him. Discovering he was told he wants to tell us everything angered me. Yes, I would prefer if Dean opened up more but him doing it only because he was brainwashed into believing he wants to ruins it. I should have known he is not usually that vocal he rarely says anything personal never shares his feelings. I’ll have to be careful with what I ask him, it's hard to know what he wants to really tell us or what he is telling us due to the spell.

Dean is sitting there with his head down, body shaking rocking back and forth. Suddenly Dean is up out of his chair, hand covering his mouth. Down the hall, throwing up in the toilet. He hasn't stopped sobbing, I still don't think he knows he is crying. Rubbing my hand up and down his back until he is done I ask him if he is ok. When he shakes his head Cas sits on the floor with him, pulls Dean into his arms. Gently strokes his back, whispering what I assume to be soothing words. Cas meets my eyes, sees my quiet question if he is ok staying with Dean. Cas nods without pause comforting Dean during our exchange. I pull Kevin into the hall with me. I want to be there for my brother but at the same time, I don't want him overwhelmed. I trust Cas, he will take care of him. 

Kevin and I go sit in the library. The library has always calmed me, a space of comfort to me. We both sit there, opening our mouths several times to talk but nothing comes out. Instead, I close my eyes, rest my head take a moment to soothe myself.

 

+++++++++++

 

Cas P.O.V

 

Brushing my hand in circles across Dean's back seems to be helping. He is not sobbing anymore just sniffling and coughing sometimes. Whispering to him, "I am here, not going anywhere, you are safe now. Dean, I am very proud of you, telling us all that was brave." He doesn't seem to believe me, we'll work on that. I keep my voice calm repeating, "Your safe, I've got you." 

His voice is rough, shaky he softly says, "I prayed to you every day, I knew you couldn't hear me but I needed to have some sort of connection." 

_ Connection what does that mean? _

Holding him tighter I say, "Dean I am so sorry I was not there for you,” resting my head on his, “I am so sorry." 

He turns his head looks me in the eye says, "I don't blame you, praying was more of a need, I needed to feel you, praying to you always calmed me down. Reminded me that things were different before that. Reminded me I had a life outside of what he was doing. Praying to you was my lifeline, my air it kept me going. Made me feel stronger, able to face the day. Praying made me feel human again, odd since I was praying to someone not human. You were there for me, not physically but you were there."

I do not know how to reply to that. This man is everything to me, someday I will tell him. How is it that in his pain and grief he is still able to make me feel so Important as if I am his world. I gently brush my hand along his cheek, whisper back, "Thank you, Dean, you mean a great deal to me too. I will always come for you, I will not leave you."

Ok so he did not exactly say I mean a great deal to him but that is some of what I got out of what he said.

Dean mumbles, "Don't make promises you can't keep." 

I reply, "I will always to the best of my abilities come for you, I will go through hell, heaven, purgatory, and anyone, anywhere else that tries to keep me away from you!" He nods. 

   “Ok you ready to get off the floor?” he nods. I help him up, he looks exhausted. Dean whispers not making eye contact now, "Cas will you stay with me while I sleep, you don't have to if you don't want to. I'll understand if you say no." He looks to the floor, not making eye contact. 

I smile, "I would be honored. Let me go tell the others you are going to bed and I will meet you there, gives you time to get ready for bed. Is that okay?" He nods, we both leave the room to do our tasks.

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

Sam P.O.V

 

Feeling groggy, eyes stinging, and a dry mouth all as a result of little sleep. A night spent tossing, turning, waking up sweating. Hours in between waking attempting to fall asleep again. Disturbing images plaguing my awake time along with vivid nightmares. How did Dean live like that for six months, just his description has unhinged me. I can't imagine having free will taken away like that, every decision, every move, every word said out of your control. Someone else controlling your thoughts, desires, and beliefs must be terrifying. In hell I was tortured daily, pain unimaginable, yet still I had my free will. My thoughts my own, my desires private, able to make choices on what I believe, not told what I believe.

It’s too early to speak to Dean, should be ok after I shower and eat. I’m not looking forward to this conversation, but I can't just go on saying nothing. Not only does he think I don't love him, but he also believes I hate him. I won't be able to change his mind but I still need to say it.

Standing at Dean’s door I’m hesitant to go in, what if he is in that corner again. I don't think I can see that again, and remain calm. Maybe I should try knocking then speaking through the door first. I knock three times, waiting a few seconds then say, “Dean are you awake? Can I come in?” No response, “Um Dean remember you don't have to follow those rules anymore.” A few moments after hearing movement, Dean opens the door.

_ Oh, thank God he is dressed, he looks nervous and unsure of himself.  _

Dean mumbles, “Um hi.”

“Can I come in for a minute to talk to you.?” I ask, giving him a choice. He looks worried, fidgeting and picking up one foot then the other repeatedly. “Dean this is your choice, you can say no and nothing will happen. I won't get mad.” I state, clearly saying each word hoping he sees I’m sincere. 

He takes a moment to think that through, he looks up, appears he made his choice. “Yeah, you can come in.” He steps aside for me to enter, I sit at the end of the bed. He sits down next to me we sit in silence for several minutes before I speak.

“Dean I’d like to talk to you about a few things you mentioned yesterday, Is that ok,” I ask. 

He responds in a hesitant voice, “Ok sure what do you want to know?”

I start by saying, “First I’d like to clear up a few things. First, there are no punishments at all here, you will never be punished for anything even if I'm upset. Next, at no time ever will you have to earn clothes. You own all your clothes, and make all the decision concerning what you wear and when.” He nodes throughout.

This is going well so far, continuing on, “Yesterday when you were describing the things that were done to you, we all then, and now know you didn't enjoy their acts. I know you, I know you fought against that spell with all you had. We believe you! You have nothing to be ashamed of, you are blameless.” He continues nodding, not sure he believes me. Deciding to continue on, and then ask if he has anything to say or ask. I move on to the next concern I have. 

“Dean yesterday when you were talking you mentioned something about rewards..” Suddenly Dean is off the bed, back pressed against the wall. Sitting on the floor knees are drawn to his chest head down. It sounds like he is saying, “No, please no, he doesn't want that, he doesn't want that,” over and over. 

Taking a moment to process this I slowly move towards him, hands up palms out showing I'm not going to hurt him. Both his hands go up in front of him also, they are shaking, they only stay up for a second before he drops them in defeat.

"No, no please, I'll behave whatever you want. I'm sorry," he mumbles out as he starts to lift his shirt up. His whole body is shaking so badly he is having trouble getting his shirt off. Gives me time to stop him before he gets it off. 

_ Is he offering himself to me again? It's clear he doesn't want to. Not that I want him to. Looks like some research in brainwashing and conditioning is needed. _

Whatever this reward is he doesn't want it and he doesn't want me to want it. After what just happened, I am very sure I know what he is afraid of, but I need to be sure. In a soft voice, I tell Dean, “Dean I don't want any rewards, I'm not going to take rewards or give any. Please keep your clothes on, ok?” 

He lets go of the hem on his shirt I reach out touch the top of his head to get him to look up at me, he does slowly then whispers, “Really, are you sure, why do you keep trying to trick me?”

I reply, “Dean I really don't want any of it now or ever, take a few deep breaths. That's it keep going. Feeling better? Why do you think I'm trying to trick you?” 

He nods while saying, “Thank you. Cause you signal me then tell me you don't want it. Very confusing.” 

“Dean I need you to tell me what the rewards are, don't worry I still don't want them even after you tell me. Anything you don't want, I don't want, ok.” I say as clearly as I can.

He takes a deep shuddering breath mumbling, “Rewards is fucking me, either my mouth or ass. Whichever you prefer,” his face turns red it looks like he is sweating. 

Even being so sure that was the answer my head is still spinning, I feel light headed and nauseous. Holding back from gagging, I swallow a few times to stop my gag reflex before I throw up. 

_ How can that be called rewards, there is nothing rewarding about that. Shouldn't that be part of the punishments? _

Dean has had time to watch my face and think throughout my silence. He looks nauseous, holding his stomach rocking repeating, “He said he doesn't want to, he never will.” 

Either he is reminding himself or trying to convince himself. I need to reassure him before he shuts down.

“Dean,” he jumps, “I still don't want rewards, I will never change my mind. Nothing you do or say will change my mind, Ok? What do you mean I signaled you for sexual acts?”

“Okay, he said that you might and you keep touching my head signaling that you do..”, He stutters out

I interrupt him, trying to leave no doubt in his mind, “I know he said that I might or it could be a possibility. Now you know I don't want it, and it's never a possibility to me for any reason. I didn't know to touch your head meant that I want sexual acts from you I'll stop doing that. Do you understand?” 

_ I will spend as much time as needed assuring him until he knows for a fact he will never have to live with this fear again. _

When he raises his eyes looking into mine, I can see he understands, and believes me. A look of relief is written on his face. I smile at him and receive a smile in return. Never realized before how much you can miss something as small as a genuine smile until you have to fight to get them. He nods this time also saying, “I understand.” 

“Dean, why did he call it rewards, how is that a reward?” I ask keeping my feelings out of my voice. He will think he is who I’m angry with.

He looks at me confused answering, “Not my rewards, Um their yours.”

_ Oh God, that is sick! _

“Ah, okay thanks for answering me, I still don’t want them.” I remind him

“Your welcome.”

“Almost done,” I tell him. “There is one more thing I want to tell you, you referred to what they did to you as ‘fucking.’ They never fucked you.” Dean is shaking his head giving me a devastated look. He must think I don't believe him! Quickly I tell him, “They raped you.” He flinched, why did he flinch. “There is a difference between that, and “fucking” or sex. You never gave them permission for any of those acts. No permission or against someone's will is always rape, There is that flinch again. No matter what they called it or said.”

_Did he hear me? This was going so well, I need to see his face._

“Dean, will you look at me, please? Remember it's your choice.”

He lifts his head nods. I can't tell what is going on in his head, face blank. I give him a chance to respond, after a few minutes of no response. Just when I’m about to ask him again he starts talking. 

“I know there is a difference, I can say fucking but the word ra-ra-ra err I can't say that word.” Frustration shows on his face, hands clenched into fists. “It gets stuck, my throat gets dry, my body tenses up. It was and is easier to say fucking. Even though I deserved it, I still know all of it wasn’t sex. Except for that last time, since I wanted it that time,” he says.

Arrg that disgusting demon had to tell him he wanted and enjoyed being raped that last time. Had to cause as much damage as possible right up to the last minute. No matter what I say Dean won't believe me. If he lets Cas into his memories that can be changed. I pray he says yes, what will we do if he says no. Not the time to worry about that, I'll worry enough later when we ask. No point debating with him, no matter what I say he won't believe me that, the last time he was raped was in fact rape.

_ Wait what does he mean, "Deserved it," is he referring to the rapes?  _

Clearing my throat, I attempt to respond, “Um ok glad you know, take as much time as you need to. When you are ready to use the word rape you will.”

_ He flinched again? Ok so hearing it effects him too. Need to remember that and inform the others. _

“Dean, what do you mean, “Deserved it?” Do you think you deserved to be raped, cause if so that is not true? Nothing and I mean nothing you could have done would make you deserve to be raped. Why would you think you deserved it?”

He flinches every time I say rape. What else do I call it, any other word makes it sound like he wasn't forced. 

“I deserve it because I’m a dirty whore, stupid, ugly. I’m clumsy, dropping things falling all the time. I take up time and money to be fed, get soap, toilet paper, water. I deserve it because I’m slow. I deserve it when they all don't get a chance to be pleasured before having to leave for the important things they need to go to. I deserve my ass fucked when my slutty mouth isn't enough. I don't understand what you are talking about, I know I deserve it. Every day I was reminded in case I forgot as if I could forget that. It's odd I didn't even know it till they told me, no one before ever took the time to tell me. Sir did because he wanted to help me and he did, I'm fixed now.” He sucks in a deep breath, looks drained. He says all of this so calm as if he is reading a grocery list. “Sam are you ok?” He asks.

_ Oh God, no I can't accept that, He actually believes all that.  _ _ Doesn't even realize how wrong all of that is or how horrifying it is he was forced to believe it. I can’t stop him from believing it. Cas is our only hope or he will always believe this. Please, God, don't let that happen, we need you!  _

Covering my mouth with my hand, my whole body shaking. Tears streaming down my face, I can't stop them this time. I can’t contain the pain anymore. Breathing hurts, head hurts, and in my entire body, there is a throbbing ache. Head down eyes closed, I wrap my arms around my chest crying. At some point I feel Dean’s arms holding me, rubbing my back. He’s comforting me, it should be the other way around. He is always putting others before him now I’m crying harder. Sometime later, I don't know how much later I calmed enough to sit up, whip my face off.

“Sorry about that Dean,” I whisper, my throat sore.

Dean puts his hand on my arm and says, “It's ok. What upset you so much though?”

“Aw Um Dean I don't know how to explain it, I'll tell you as soon as I can okay?”

I’ll never be able to explain it in a way he’ll understand, and not say they lied to him.

Dean replied, “Ok but I'm here if you need me.”

“Can I ask you one more question, please don't get offended though. I'm not sure Ill word this right and it may come out wrong at first ok?” I ask.

“Oh, um sure,” He says while nodding.

“Okay remember I may mess this up, so since _Not really!_ you deserved what they did does that mean you're ok with it? I can reword that if you need.”

“No, no your fine I get it. The first time I was informed I deserve it, my first thought was then I shouldn't be mad at them for it. It was my fault, I caused them to use me. Then I was corrected.” 

“What do you mean corrected, what happened?” I ask.

_ Asking could be a big mistake, Do I really want to know. _

He responded in a flat voice, “His friends had only been visiting for a few days. One of them, I called him bald fatty in my head. He was behind me fucking me, he grabbed my hair pulled my head to his. Then whispered in my ear, ‘You deserve to be ra-ra-raped if you weren't such a big whore that would be different but you are. That's what dirty whore’s need.’ I don’t think he wanted Sir to hear him since he whispered it.

“Sir grabbed him threw him across the room. Sir kneeled next to me said in a calm voice, ‘Dean, now that you know you deserve to be fucked, what do you think about it?’

“‘I responded, I guess I’m ok with it now. Whatever needs to be done to fix me. I know you want me to get better, and I trust you are doing all you can to help me.’ Sir nodded and said, ‘Ah great, don't move or speak.’

“Sir begins beating that demon, kicking him. Then orders the others to continue beating him. He tells them he was trying to take our toy, and give it hope. I’m assuming he meant me. 

“Then Sir came back kneeled next to me again said, ‘Dean, he is right you do deserve to be fucked by all of us any way we want. It is your fault that we want to but, it has nothing to do with fixing you. I find it funny, that's why we all fuck you. Each one of us doesn't have to, we all love hearing you screaming and crying. We chose to because you don't want it, hate it, and you don’t need it for treatment. Do you understand we fuck you because it hurts you, and makes you angry?’ I nod. I was so angry, yes I deserve it but it wasn't required and they could choose not to but they enjoy my suffering too much to stop.

“He ordered me on my hands and knees, then shoved himself inside me so hard I started crying. I could feel blood running down my leg. He called over to his friends, ‘Hey one of you come here and fuck his mouth, shut him up. I don't feel like hearing him screaming and crying right now.’ It didn't take long at all for one to get there and shut me up. After he was done he announced he was done, and the next could get on. 

“He went back to bald fatty kicking him yelling, ‘What did I tell you? Watch how you word everything you say to him. If you're too stupid to understand that then either stop fucking him or keep your mouth shut when you do.’ Bald fatty chose the keep your mouth closed option, only ever made sounds after that no speaking.”

“Ah ok,” I manage to choke out. _I need out of this room now_ , I ask Dean if he wouldn't mind me leaving for a minute then I'll come back. He tells me that's ok, he will take a shower and get dressed while he waits for me to come back.

I quickly walk in any direction, heart racing. Not sure where I am in the bunker, I chose a random door to open. It's a storage room for tables and chairs. Stepping into the room closing the door behind me. As soon as the door is closed, I start screaming, swearing. I grab chairs throw them at the wall breaking them all. After I finish breaking the tables also, there is nothing left to throw. I'm still so angry, I punch the wall repeatedly. All energy drained out of me I slid to the floor crying, no one is here so I let it all out. Let the tears run down not wiping them off. 

Checking my phone I was gone 45 min, I need to get back to Dean. It's not right to leave him waiting for me. I stand up to leave that room, head right to a bathroom first. Once I’m cleaned up I go to Dean’s room. I knock twice, he invited me back in. I can see he showered, shaved, and changed his clothes.

“Thank you, I just needed a little time. I'd like to finish our talk if that is ok with you?” I ask.

He replies, “Sure, but are you ok?

Answering his question I nod while saying, “Yes, thank you I’m fine.” He nods, we both know that “Fine” is code for no I’m not ok, but I'd rather not speak about it. We both sit at the end of the bed again.

“Dean I want to let you know, It’s not true, I do love you and I don't hate you at all.”

He starts shaking his head softly saying, “That’s not true you hate me, you don't love me.”

_ Again that disgusting bastard, all the lies he forced Dean to believe. I’m going to kill him so so slowly.  _

Trying again I repeat, “Dean I love you!”

Dean jumps up, paces the room says, “That's not true, I don't deserve love and no one will ever love me.” His voice is starting to get louder towards the end.

Grabbing my hair pulling till it hurts. My hands are shaking in rage.

_ Again it always comes down to what that sick bastard told him, and that disturbing false phrase. What the hell, is there a course or school teaching the most effective ways to break someone. _

“Ok Dean, for now, I'll say that I don't hate you anymore,” I tell him

Since I can't convince him I love him now, before or ever will, I leave that alone. Now I can tell him I don't hate him anymore. Since he wasn't told I would always hate him. As far as I know.

Having to word my phrases this way due to lies hurts. Squeezing my eyes shut before tears escape I take a few calming breaths.

I open my eyes to see eyes full of hope and joy looking back at me. Smiling he says, “Really you don't hate me?

I smile back at him replying, “I more than don't hate you, I like you!”

_ “Like” is such an inadequate word, but since I can’t use love that will have to do for now. _

“Is there anything you want to say or questions you want to ask?” I inquire.

“Yes, what are your rules?” He asks.

“Rules?” I stammer out.

“Yeah, all of Sir’s rules have been removed. If you have any Id like to know them. I just want to be sure.”

“Okay, Let me clear this up. There are no rules at any time from me. You never have to do anything I say. I may ask you for something but you have the right to say yes or no at all times. There will never be rules, punishments or rewards again. That won't change ever. The only person in control of you is YOU! Do you understand?”

Dean lets out a sound of relief, nods then said, “Yes, I understand completely free now.”

“Good, any other question or anything you want to say? I ask. He shakes his head. “Ok, I've eaten breakfast already, do you want me to get you anything? You can get your own food if you want.”

“Um, I can get my own. Can I make pan…” Dean shakes his head mid-word. “I mean I’m going to make pancakes.” He smiles as he leaves the room.

It’s not a vast improvement but we're getting there, it will take time. Leaving his room, I hear him getting what I assume is the pan and mixing bowl out of the cupboard.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

Dean P.O.V

 

So much information at once, cooking always use to calm me. Sam said a lot of things this morning. Some I'm confused about, most importantly he likes me. Why does he like me, how is that possible? I’m no one special, there is nothing good about me. Everything I touch gets wrecked, everyone that goes near me eventually dies. Will he be next, will my weakness, and stupidity gets him killed one day. He doesn't need a brother that is pathetic, stupid, and weak, really worthless. 

“Dean?” someone calls out

Startled I jump dropping my bowl, all my batter landing on the floor. 

_ No no, have to clean it up quick. Can't waste food. _

Drooping to my knees, using my spoon pushing the batter into the bowl. It's not fast enough, switching to my hands. Scooping and putting it all back in the bowl. So much wasted. 

_ Need to clean it, can't waste food. Need to eat today. _

Someone grabs my wrist. They are so strong I can't get them off me. Screaming, “NO no you don't understand, I want to eat today.” The grip on my wrist gets tighter. 

_ Must get away.  _

“Please don't take it please I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I won't drop it again. Oh, G-God No Pl-pl-please I want it, please I’m I’m so sorry.” I twist my wrist and pull. Sobbing so hard I can't see, no one is holding my wrist now. 

Now hands are pulling my shoulders. Sir is going to punish me! Pushing the hands away, crawling away. Begging, “Please don’t, I’m sorry. It’s ok I don't need to eat today. I’m sorry please just let me go, leave me a-a-alone.” My chest hurts, I can't breathe, huffing and my head is spinning. Loud ringing in my ears. I'm suffocating, I’m going to die on the floor. My lungs are on fire, body shaking, sweating. So dizzy, I can't get any air in. I’m seeing black spots. My body goes limp that's when the darkness takes over.

  
+++++++++++++++

 

Sam P.O.V

  
  


In the kitchen getting a drink, Dean is standing there mixing his pancake batter. It doesn't look like he is really here. Staring at the stove as he mixes, I watch him for a few minutes. He hasn't moved, continues to mix. Several times I call out his name, no response. Calling his name a little bit louder he drops the bowl. 

_What is he doing? That batter is not edible anymore. Oh no, he is crying._

I squat next to him telling him we can make a new pancake batter, offering to get the trash can for him. No response I grasp his wrist stopping his movement. He starts pulling his arm away, he is going to pull me over. I can't understand what he is saying, I hear please several times and waste twice. Losing my balance when my other hand goes to the floor to catch myself and slips in the batter. Causing my other hand to squeeze tighter on Dean’s wrist. He manages to break my hold on him, I fall chest first onto the floor right into the batter. 

_ If he weren't having a break down this would be funny. _

He is hyperventilating, I gently place my hands on his shoulders. Trying to turn him to look at me. He pushes me away starts crawling away. I can't make out everything he is saying he is stuttering out, “Please don’t” and “I’m sorry” then “leave me alone.” His whole body slumps down to the floor. 

His eyes are closed, I scramble over spreading pancake batter all over the floor. I turn him till his back is towards the floor. Check his pulse, it's steady. Next, I check his breathing. He is breathing, reassured he did in fact hyperventilate, and it was not something else life-threatening. 

Picking up his upper half, pulling him to my chest. Breathing in deep breaths to calm myself, combing my fingers through his hair.

“I got you, your safe. We will get through this. You're not alone in this.” I softly say to him. 

_ I don't know what I’m doing. What if I'm making him worse? I need to be strong for Dean, no matter how much this all hurts. I will not give up.  _

Now I’m sobbing, I hold him tight after allowing myself a few seconds to get some of my pain out. I prepare to get up, to get help carrying Dean. I hear a groan coming from the person propped up against me. 

“Hey are you ok, you gave me quite a scare?” I ask him

He tilts his head to look at me then replies, “Sorry, What happened?”

“Well you had a panic attack then hyperventilated causing you to go unconscious, do you remember any of that?” I ask.

He responds, “Well I remember making pancakes and then - Oh no I dropped the bowl!” He looks around sees all the batter, well everywhere. In a panic sounding voice, he says, “I am so sorry.”

Before a panic attack starts I calmly say to Dean, “It’s ok, hey look at me.” He looks at my face, “That's better, do I look angry or sound angry?

He appears to be reading my face before answering, “Well no, you don't look mad at all.”

“That's because I’m not, your worth much more than pancake batter.” He looks doubtful. _Dammed bastard demon!_ “It's not a big deal well clean this up and start over making the pancakes. 

Surprise crosses his face, “I can still have pancakes?”

_ He must have forgotten his food is not controlled anymore. It will take time and lots of reminding. _

Making sure to smile I respond, “Of course you can, all the food here is yours too.”

Nodding he says, “Oh yeah that's right I forgot.” He smiles back.

Getting up, offering him a hand up. While he is standing I tell him, “it's ok, it will take time to break those habits.”

  
+++++++++++++++++

 

Cas P.O.V

  
  


Sitting next to Dean on the couch, with Sam in the chair to our left and Kevin on the right. Dean is looking back and forth between us all. I look to Kevin, he nodded then to Sam he nods. Ok, so we are all on board time to see if Dean will be too.

“Dean we asked to talk to you because I want to try something that I think will help you,” I say

He looks confused, responding, “Help me with what?”

Replying back, “I can't really explain it completely but I can say it would help you with the memories. I know that doesn't really explain anything but for now, that's all I can say. There are reasons I can't tell you right now, but soon I will be able to if you agree to let me do this. I need you to trust me. Trust I only have your best interest in mind. You won't be kept in the dark for long. I will never hurt you. We can give you some time to think it over if you wish.”

Dean appears to be considering it, He looks at both Kevin and Sam saying, “You both know about this, and what it is?” Both nod. “Ok, give me a min to think this over.” 

We all nod. I respond, “Take all the time you need.”

Attempting not to stare at Dean, I like looking at him though. With what he has been through It's not appropriate to be admiring him. He is attractive, but not only that he is beautiful. Looking at him causes my body to heat up and my heart to beat faster. I was unsure what these feelings meant before Kevin explained them to me. Blushing I turn my head to avoid making him uncomfortable. I move my eyes to the other side of the room. The last thing he needs to see is this, I don't want him afraid of me for any reason or to feel pressured. His feelings towards me are unclear and will remain so for the time being. Someone calls my name, I turn back towards the group. 

“Cas, we have been trying to get your attention called your name a few times. You ok?” Dean asks

I look down quickly hiding my blushing, take a few deep breaths. “Sorry about that Dean I was just thinking, Nothing wrong,” I respond. Seeing Kevin quickly remove a smirk from his face.

Dean starts speaking first, “Ok so I will admit this worries me. I don't like not knowing what is going on or what will happen. I don't understand any of this either but all three of you wouldn’t hurt me. So I can either chose to say no, never knowing what I'm turning down. Not benefiting from the help you said it would provide me. On the other hand, I could say yes, allowing you to do something to me. Without me knowing what or why. Would it hurt?”

“Physically no not at all, no damage and no lasting negative effects,” I answer back.

_ Except fixing lies you were told.  _

“Would I have to do anything?” Dean questions

Answering his question I say, “Only allow me to have a few drops of your blood, a pinprick on your finger would be enough.”

He nods in understanding, for several minutes he stares at the floor in deep thought. Just when I think he isn't going to respond he whispers, “Ok, but if I don't like it can I not do it again.”

Relieved I say, “Yes, of course, you will be in control.”

Dean takes a deep breath asks, “Ok so when do we do this?”

“Anytime, we can now or wait till tomorrow, it's up to you.” is the answer I give him.

He nods responding, “I'd rather do it now or I won't be able to think of anything else.

All but Dean stands up, he looks confused so I tell him this needs to be done in his room. He starts fidgeting face turning white stuttering, “My room?” He looks terrified, does he think we are going to expect sexual acts or take them?

Quickly I reply to calm him before he has a panic attack, “Yes Dean your room, nothing bad will happen, no one will hurt you. Please trust me.” I hold out my hand for him, hesitantly he places his hand in mine allowing me to help him up and lead him to his room. I’m not sure if he realizes he is still holding my hand. Sam and Kevin follow, this first time Sam insisted he is there. If Dean chooses to continue the session will be us alone.

We enter Dean’s room I tell him to lay on the bed quickly adding, “Keep your clothes on,” to keep him calm.

“Ok Dean I will have to lay next to you, but I won't hurt you.” He nods sliding over a little giving me some room. I remove my coat slowly lay next to him. Sam brings over a small bowl and a knife. Turning sideways facing Dean he copies me. Holding my hand over the bowl I press the tip of the knife puncturing the skin on my finger. Squeeze out a few drops, my finger is healed before I even hand the knife over to Dean. He also adds a few drops of his blood. Handing the knife back to Sam. Sam holds up a drawing of the sigil for Dean to see. 

Next, I dip my finger in the blood reach slowly to Dean’s forehead, drawing two triangles one above the other with half circles on the sides connecting them. I smile to reassure Dean, instruct him to draw the same sigil on my forehead pointing to the drawing Sam is holding up. He nods then draws the same on me. “Why triangles?” Dean asks me.

“Three sides Mind, Body, and Soul three sides to humans. If you were an angel it would be different.” He nods while I’m explaining it. 

“Dean for this we need to be holding hands, that is all we have to touch of each other okay?” I tell him. In response, he lays his head down on the pillow and reaches for my hand. Sam and Kevin sit in chair’s they placed in the room I begin the spell. In Enochian, I say, “Memories of one become memories of two, Combine - experience - bond - join. One memory becomes two, permit 5th synergy.” My eyes close.

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All dialog in bold is Cas speaking.

Cas P.O.V

 

Looking around this is the room we found dean, looking to the corner I know he will be in. He is attempting to pull his arms out of the restraints or the restraints from the wall. Cutting into his wrist in the process, blood dripping down. Pain flashes across his face, he is grunting softly each time he pulls. The restraints didn't budge at all as he said before. 

I step over to him, he can see, hear, feel me but can't respond Quickly I tell him, **“Dean I’m not really here, this is just a memory.”**  

After some time failing to free himself he starts yelling for a while. I sit on the floor next to him, not sure what to say. Sometime later the trap door opens. Two sets of feet walking towards him. One is a woman, the other a man.

_We now know is a demon, not a man._

The demon steps towards him then he says. “Hello, Dean it has been a while.” I jump up ready to beat him to death. Forgetting at first this is a memory if only that would work.

Dean replies, “Not long enough for me.”

The man laughs, “Oh Dean we are going to have so much fun.”

Dean makes eye contact while he says: “I am going to kill you.”

The demon steps away ignoring the threat, stepping up to the witch the demon says to her. “So how does this work?” The witch smirks at Dean, then turns back to the man. 

Dean yells out “Don't look at me bitch, I will be killing you too.”

_He is right she will be dying!_

I step closer to Dean, **“Listen to what they are saying carefully, this is important.”**

“This will make him unable to defy you, every order you give he will have no choice but to follow even if he doesn't want to. In addition every statement you direct to him he will believe with no doubt even if you contradict something you have previously told him. You have to word it as a statement though. The belief will remain even after the spell has ended.”

_Not for much longer I will be fixing this!_

The demon replies, “Will he be aware he doesn't want to follow the orders?”

The woman answered, “Yes unless you order him to want to follow your orders.”

**“Are you listening they are going to force you to believe everything he says. I’m going to help you know the truth.”**

The man grins, “Oh, but where is the fun in that? Maybe for later. How often will the spell have to be redone?”

“Every 12 hours, best if you overlap by an hour,” witch answers.

The demon turns back to Dean and says, “Are you ready for the fun to begin?” Blinking revealing his black eyes.

_Oh, I’m ready to ruin all your plans._  

The demon steps towards him with a syringe in his hand, Dean’s giving him a hard look says, “You will regret this!”

_That’s a threat that will be honored._

The Demon laughs then said, “I don't think so, I've been waiting a long time to repay you. 

Dean responds, “Repay me for what?”

The demon responds, “Sending me back to hell, took time to get back but that also gave me time to think of all the ways I'm going to make you regret it.” 

Dean has a panicked look in his eyes yelling, “Hey hey get that thing away from me!” moving as far away as possible. The syringe is pushed in his arm, and the plunger pushed all the way down. The demon says a string of words that I now know is the ancient language of Coptic dating back to 100 C.E to 1600 C.E  When the demon pats him on the head my anger skyrockets.

_This is just the beginning, I need to calm myself._

As Dean pulls his head away from the offending hand the demon laughs saying, “We will just give that a few mins to take effect. Are you as excited as I am?” Dean shoots a death glare at the demon, that Dean is correct would terrify most. After about an hour Dean’s head falls to the side, his eyes are glassy. He looks “Stoned” a word Dean taught me.

I stay near Dean, **“You are feeling the spell, he is going to come over and lie to you.”**  Attempting to start the correcting as soon as possible.

The demon steps up to him smiling, Dean is right the woman is nowhere in the room. Demon says, “Okay to start with Dean do not talk till I say so.” Rage and hatred consume Deans face. The demon laughs again saying, “Well I see we are ready to start, Dean we are going to start with the rules.” 

“First, you will refer to me and any male as Sir from now on.”

**“Dean you do not have to call him or anyone Sir ever.”**

Next rule is coming. Demon continues “Second, you are not to leave this house without my say so.”

**“Only you are in control of where you go or not go. You never need permission to leave anywhere.”**

“Third, you will get into the correct position every time I enter the room, I will teach it to you.”

**“There is no correct position, only you are in charge of your body and how you place or position it.”**

The fear I see on Dean’s face hurts me deeply, making me more determined.

“Forth when anyone uses the word, repeat you will say out loud what I call, "The all about Dean phrase."

**“You are not required to say, “The all about Dean phrase” ever. You are the only one that chooses the words you say.”**

“You will also say your repeat every time I enter the room. Not to worry I will teach that to you also.”

**“You are not required to say any phrase when anyone enters a room. You choose when and what you want to speak at all times.”**

“I'm looking forward to it, aren't you? You may answer.”

He really did growl, clenching his jaw. I can see him fighting, trying to control what he says, “No sir!” Still comes out despite his efforts.

**“Dean it's the spell forcing you to say, Sir, it’s not possible to fight it. This does not indicate anything about your strength.”**

“Demon laughs then says in an ominous tone, looking straight into his eyes, “Good!”

“You fucking piece of shit I’m going to enjoy killing you, ripping you to pieces,” Dean manages to say before order not to talk again.

“Dean no speaking until I give you permission,” he said. Again he is fighting trying to get his arms free causing more damage to his wrist. Nothing I say will stop his actions. I can't control his movements or the words Dean says.

“'The reason you are here is you are broken, I will help fix you.”

**“You are not broken, he just wants to hurt you. Not help you, he is lying.”**

“Dean, are you broken? Shake your head for No and nod for yes.” Seeing Dean nod enrages me.

**“You are not broken.”**

Rodent, That’s what I've decided I will call him from now on starts talking again pacing back and forth. “When I ask you a question I expect an answer using either a shake of the head side to side for a no or a nod for a yes unless you have permission to speak at that time. Do you understand?” Dean nods. 

**“You are not required to give any response to any question. Only you decide when and what to say if you want to speak.”**

“Any time I provide you with food you will say Thank You, Sir. If you do not have permission to speak at that time, say thank you Sir, and nothing else.”

**“You decide if you want to say thank you to anyone at all times, you never need permission to speak. No one can tell you when to speak.”**

“You are free to use the restroom as long as you are not currently entertaining me. Do not attempt to break the angel wardings or even touch them. Let us start with the proper position for you first, do not get up.”

**“There is no proper position, you and only you choose your body's position at all times.”**

Rodent removes the restraints saying, “Move your back straight put your hands behind your back and face the corner with your head down. That is your correct position, any time anyone says the word position you are to position yourself just as you are now. Do you understand?” He answers with a nod.

**“Dean there is no such thing as correct position. No word will ever require you to move your body in any way. The word “position” has no power over you.”**

“Good Dean you look beautiful like this. Dean, do you look beautiful like this?” He told him with a vile smile on his face. Dean nods.

**“Dean you look beautiful in any position you choose for yourself. Not forced ones.”**

Dean must be getting scared he is breathing short small breaths. Even though it won't change the past I have to say something.

**“I’m here Dean, you're going to be ok. I won't leave you. Listen to my voice, you are so brave.”**

“Dean, don't move. I will be right back, while I'm gone sing me a song that you love,” as he is singing a tear falls out one of his eyes. I reach over to wipe it away. It doesn't move of course but I know Dean can feel me. I gently caress his cheek.

**“Dean I know this is hurting you, I’m sorry.”**

Disgusting rodent I've moved on to the disgusting rodent. He returns with a stand-up chalkboard smiling cruelly says, “Aww you’re crying, get used to it. You are a horrible singer, stop singing, no talking. That is now my favorite song, anytime I tell you to sing that is the song you are to sing. Dean, do you understand?” Dean nods.

**“Dean you don't have to get used to crying, You won't always cry. Your singing voice is beautiful, I always enjoy hearing you sing. No word can force you to sing. Only sing when and if you choose to.”**

“Since I haven't taught you, "The all about Dean phrase" yet I will forgive you this one time for not saying it when I entered the room. Don't expect it again,” disgusting rodent tells Dean.

**“He is crazy, just trying to scare you.”**

“I will write it on the board for you to see anytime I am not here,” Dean is told.

“After I am done you repeat after me.”

**“You never have to repeat anything he or anyone else says.”**

“I am a worthless, disgusting, fat, ugly, stupid, whore that doesn't deserve love and will never be loved,” A gasped comes out of Dean.

**“Dean none of that is true. Every word of that describes that demon, not you.”**

Hearing Dean say those words each word feels like a knife stabbing me.

As he is reciting those awful words the demon is smiling.

“Dean every word of ‘The all about Dean,’ phrase is true." Dean, is every word in ‘The all about Dean phrase true?’ Of course, he nods

Dean’s eyes widen and his lower lip starts trembling right after he was told that phrase is true. The beaten down devastated expression on his face is tearing me up inside.

This will take a few minutes to go over, I freeze his memory. He can still hear me.

**“Dean none and I mean none of those words describe you! You are not worthless, your value is so high that for thousands of years before you were even created God talked non stop about you. He called you one of his most precious creation. Bragged about all you have and will do. You are the righteous Man. You out of millions of people created God spoke of the most. He is lying to you. "**

**"You are not disgusting, you are beautiful. Inside and outside, your generous, kind, loving, compassionate, selfless and you go out of your way to save strangers every day despite the danger to yourself."**

**"You are in no way ugly or fat at all, not even close. I for one find you attractive and I have never come across someone that doesn't agree with me. I have heard many men and women appreciate your body, and face in their thoughts."**

**"I find you to be intelligent, you are strategic. You Solve problems in limited amounts of time that shouldn't be that easy to fix. All the lore you have memorized along with previous hunts, including names, locations, and dates. You are not stupid."**

**"You are not a whore. Yes, have sex with people but that is ok. There is nothing wrong with enjoying what Father created for the purpose of enjoyment. Your body was designed to want and enjoy sexual activities."**

**"Dean, you are very loved by many, Sam, Kevin, Jody, Donna, Charlie, Claire and so many others that have passed, and by Me. You are loveable and deserve love.”**

I Unfreeze the memory this needs to be done. Right back to rodent continuing his disgusting comments and list of rules.

“I just love to see your face when you are powerless, it gets me all hot inside. How about you does it get you all hot inside?” Dean shakes his head making it very clear he doesn't agree.

“Alright, we are making good time, I love this spell, you know it took me years to find the perfect spell and to plan all this out. Are you impressed?” Again he shakes his head in response.

When rodent says, “Oh well maybe that will change or maybe not, depends on my mood for the day.” Dean groans, sounding annoyed. Anger crosses the demon’s face, he calls out, “repeat” forcing Dean to say that phrase.

As Dean is saying, “The all about Dean phrase,” the demon starts kicking Dean yelling, “That is not correct now repeat until I tell you to stop. You will keep going until you get it right.” I sit next to Dean gently holding his hand while he checks his ribs continuing to say that phrase. That's when disgusting rodent pulls up a chair sits down and with a big smirk says, “Position.” Causing Dean to scramble getting into the corner in that horrendous pose. Listening to that 20 times was excruciatingly painful. How did Dean get through that without breaking down?

Knowing this moment is coming and seeing it beforehand, without the ability to stop it is harder than I thought it would be. I can't help myself from yelling every swear word Dean has taught me at that filthy pile of shit.

Rodent stands up turns the chalkboard around then walks to Dean grabs his face forcing him to look up at him so hard his body turns facing away from the corner. Dean is uselessly trying to pull his face away trying to pull his face out of the hold. He is told he has permission to speak.

Dean wastes no time before yelling, “Get away from me you sick bastard!”

He is ordered not to move his arms, legs or back. I can see his back straighten upheld rigidly. I can tell this is the spell forcing his body still.

As expected Dean uses this time to yell at the demon, “Get off me, touch me you die!” If it wasn't for the circumstances it would be nice to see Dean standing up for himself fighting back again.

Nothing he says seems to bother the demon, the only response from rodent is a smile and order. “Dean stop talking. Dean, I think it is time to put that mouth of your to better use, don't you?” Fear is very obvious on Dean’s face, I don't know if he thinks he is hiding it well, but he is not.

I really don't want to watch this but Dean had to live it, I’m staying and supporting my friend.

Hearing a belt unbuckle and zipper pulled down I look to Dean. He is fighting to move his body but it's not going to happen. When a smirk shows on the demon’s face I knew the order is coming. “Dean open your mouth, no biting and keep your eyes open, looking into mine.” Out of Dean’s control his mouth and eyes open, head tilts up.

I kneel down next to Dean. Place my hand on his shoulder. **“Dean I’m going to cover your eyes so you don't have to see his.”** I place my hand over his eyes gently. The first memory won't have this but this new one will.

**“I’m here, It’s ok to be scared. You will be free of him again. You are greatly loved by so many. None of this is your fault. Listen to me, focus on me I need you to hear what I’m going to be telling you.”**

A choked sound comes from Dean when the Demon forcefully shoves himself in Dean’s mouth. Dean is trying to get away, but his hair is grabbed in a tight grip forcing his head still. Tears are running down his face. I refuse to look at the demon’s face.

**“I know, I’m sorry, make sure you're listening to me it’s important. I'm not leaving you. If I could stop him I would then let you watch as I beat him to death. He is about to lie to you again.”**

Hearing the sounds coming from rodent is making me gag. He says, “Ah, Dean your mouth was just made for fucking, a dirty slut like you already knows that though. You can't hide what you are from me, I can see it. Dean was your mouth made for fucking?” Seeing Dean nod increases my anger.

**“Dean listen to me, your mouth was not made for “fucking.” Father created mouths for several reasons eating, breathing, speaking and yes if you choose physical acts of love. You are not a dirty slut, I can see your soul it is clean and pure. He is lying he doesn't see anything about you. He is lying to hurt you!”**

I can see Dean is in pain and very angry so angry in fact he growls. Unfortunately, rodent enjoys it, and responds, “Dean you are very good at this, do that again.” Several times I fear Dean will actually pass out from lack of air, even though I know he doesn't. I stay next to him caressing his hand telling him over and over he is loved, special, strong and every encouraging compliment I can think of. I remind him to keep listening to me speaking.

Hearing that disgusting pig sounds sickens me. Hearing him say, “Oh yes, Dean take it all, like the dirty whore you are. Dean, are you a dirty whore?” Makes me angry beyond belief Dean has to nod to that.

**“Dean you are not a dirty whore, he is lying to you again. Everything he says is a lie.”**

Dean is ordered to keep his mouth open and stick out his tongue. He is struggling to catch his breath. That pig rubs himself in front of Dean’s face and then ejaculates on and in him. Dean is ordered to swallow while his mouth is held shut. I take my hand off his eyes.

His breathing hasn't returned to normal until after pig returns to the room. Causing Dean to recite that phrase again while turning toward the corner, and lowering his head. A bottle of water and sandwich is placed on the table, then a sleeping bag near “Dean’s corner.”

**“Dean remember, “The all about Dean phrase” is a lie, none of it is correct.”**

Hearing rodent speak I turn to look at him. “Can't have you getting sick, I need you at your best, you are free to move around the house. Do not try to leave the house or open the blinds. Do not try to attack me or harm me in any way that includes exercising me. Do not make any devil's traps either. Dean, you want to follow those orders.”

**“You do not want to follow any of his rules or orders.”**

Attempting to stay outside the bathroom doesn't work, that is not part of Dean’s memory. In the bathroom, I turn giving him some privacy. I follow Dean as he leaves the bathroom to sit at the table, hear him softly whisper, “Thank you, Sir.” I didn't notice that bathroom when we were here. It's not much, toilet, sink, and small stand up shower.

Dean again rushes back to the corner to get into position and say that phrase. That monster just watches him smiling. When Dean is done he stands back up. He was asked if he enjoyed his last meal sitting at a table. When Dean looks at “Sir” in disgust. He is ordered not to move face gripped tightly in the demon’s hand. Dean is told, “Dean do you really think those looks or sounds scare me, well they don't, in fact, all they do Is turn me on. Do you really want me to get horny again?” No matter how hard he pulls he isn't strong enough to pull his face away.

**“Dean he is a demon, remember they are much stronger than humans. You are not weak.”**

Then I watched as Dean is backhanded hitting the wall landing on the floor. The demon calls back behind him as he leaves the basement, “Baby we are just getting started.” Everything has gone black, Dean must have fallen asleep.

**“Dean time to let go of my hand.”**

 

+++++++++++++++++

 

Sam P.O.V

 

I didn't realize we would be seeing different emotions on their faces throughout. Watching them change, not knowing exactly which goes to which event. Neither moved or made any sounds, If I didn't know better I would think they are sleeping. Except for the faint bright light that is coming from Cas’s head going to Dean’s head like a rope. It's not that easy to see, we didn't even notice it at first. About an hour later a loud gasp leaves Dean, and his eyes fly open.

 

+++++++++++++++

 

Dean P.O.V.

 

Suddenly I’m back in my room, that dream felt so real. Someone is next to me, who could that be. Oh, wait there was something Cas wanted to do. Was that it? Turning my head, Cas is looking at me.

“Cas, what the hell was that? Was that real? I can remember what really happened and a different memory but the same only you're there.”

Responding he says, “Yes, I was there in a way. I could see, hear, smell and feel everything there. I didn't actually change anything in the past just overlapped an additional memory over the old memory. You will always remember what happened in the past just the way it really happened. You will also have a second memory of what happened with me there. You will remember the feelings from both.”

“Didn't change anything are you kidding, I could feel you and hear you. I could see you, you covered my eyes. Now I have memories of seeing his eyes and not seeing his eyes,” I enthusiastically say back.

“Wait, Sir, no not sir that bastard lied to me! He said I was broken, but I wasn’t. Everything he did was to hurt me. That fucking prick, I am going to kill him. I will skin him alive layer by layer till he begs to die and even then I may not let him die yet.” I can feel my skin heating up, I need to move around. I jump up out of bed, pacing my room. “That fucking bastard is going to die along with that witch. Wait till I get my hands on them, they will both regret the day they took me.”

“Dean?” Cas calls out my name.

“What? I shout back, “Oh I'm sorry just worked up. Can you explain all of this to me?”

“Due to the effects of the spell, everything you were told lie or not you believed no matter what anyone says your mind won't even doubt the lies. The only way to fight the spell is to change what you were told since we can't do that I suggested this. A spell that can connect two others memories together, interact with each other. This creates an additional memory that is stored after the original one. This way whatever I say will become the new memory. That monster speaks, I speak after him contradicting him. You now believe what I said instead of what he said. Any feelings you felt during the altered memory will stay with you also. Every word I said was and is true.” Cas responds.

“Ok give me a second to process this,” Cas nods. Looking away from him so I can focus.

_Cas in my memory, altering it, am I ok with that? Well, he did help me to see I was lied to. All the evidence proves I was lied to if there was no spell I would have known that. No one that wants to help you behaves that way. I can still feel Cas holding my hand and the warmth of love spreading through me as he told me the most beautiful things about myself. At that time all those things he said felt to be true but waking I know they are not true._

“Cas some of the things you said were not true, believe me, I wish they were,” I tell him.

Cas responds, “That's because of the false information you were given after that. We need to go through each memory to correct all the lies.”

“What other lies are there, tell me and I'll tell you if they are true or not,” I say back

“Dean it won't work that way. I'm sorry please trust me. This first session you learned you are not broken and that you don't have to follow those rules. How do you feel knowing no one has the right to make rules for you? That you are the only one allowed to make choices about your own body,” Cas responds.

“Um It feels freeing, I feel more in control of my life. I feel a peace I haven't for so long now.” I answer back

“That is what I’m talking about. Earlier today if I came up to you and said you were never broken. How do you think you would have responded?” He questions me.

“I would have said you were wrong and thought you were lying to me. I had no doubts earlier today. Now I just know, I wasn't broken,” replying to Cas’s questions.

“There is more than I can help you with if you let me. The sessions would be like today. Different memories, now that you are aware at any point you want to stop just remove your hand from mine. Do you think this is something you want to do?”

“Can I have some time to think about it?” I ask.

“No problem, take your time. Ask any questions you would like. Would you like me to stay or leave you to your thinking?”

_I want him to stay so badly. I can't let him waste any more time on me. I'm sure he has important things to do._

“Dean I don't have anywhere else I want to be. Okay?” Cas states interrupting my thoughts, placing a hand on my arm.

“Did you just read my mind?” I ask him.

“What, no why would you think so?” He responds with a confused look on his face.

“Oh um nothing, If you wouldn't mind staying for a few minutes I would appreciate it. You don't have to do anything just sit with me.” Controlling my face so he can't see the desperation I feel.

“I would be honored.” He smiles back

We both sit next to each other backs against the headboard. His hand is laying on the bed so close I could reach out and grab it. I enjoyed holding his hand today on the way to my room and also In the memory. He held my hand almost the whole time. Causing a sense of peace to spread throughout my body. I could still feel what was being done to me but I could also feel Cas’s hand holding mine gently caressing with his thumb. I could see his loving caring eyes instead of that monsters. So many times Cas placed his head between mine and the demon. I can still feel his hand lightly brushing my face. All those kind words he said covering the sounds and words of the monster there.

_Focus, supposed to be considering this memory alteration thing._

“How long ago did Sam and Kevin leave the room,” I say out loud not intending to actually ask.

Cas turns his head, looks at me He is so close! Smiles. “They left when you asked for time to think,” he answers.

Nodding my head I reply, “Oh ok.”

_Do I want Cas’s in my head, seeing everything that was done to me? It's one thing to tell him but to have him see me like that. I’d be so embarrassed, but Id also have more memories of Cas saying the most beautiful things. Ugg focus this can't be done just to get lovey fluffy time with your angel. Ok think, he would see it all but he could also help make it better. I can't think of any other lies he would need to contradict but I’m assuming the spell is blocking that from me. I don't want to continue on with lies in my head. Wouldn't it be nice to learn it was all lies, not possible but it would be amazing? How would this affect Cas, I couldn't bear it if I hurt him. What if he leaves me after he sees how disgusting I am. Right now he believes the most beautiful things about me. He’s not seeing me clearly, that has to be it. He sees what he wants to believe. Even so, I still don't want to change that image he has of me._

Gentle caresses on my hand draw me out of my thoughts, looking at my hand. Cas is holding my hand using his thumb to caress my palm. It's hard to think, I shake my head slightly in an attempt to clear it.

“Do you really think I need this?”

“Yes, I do. I only want to help you. It will not be easy, I’ll be with you the whole time.

“But then you will see it all, everything they said and did. All my responses, my weakness. All my pain out in the open. Right now the way you see me is miraculous, there is no explanation for it. I haven't done anything to earn those amazing things you said about me in the memory,” Dean whispered.

“Let me prove to you, my view of you will not be altered. After a session you ask me my opinion, I will tell the truth. Even if we have to find a truth spell to prove I’m not lying. Please give me a chance, I won't let you down.”

Closing my eyes concentrating on my breaths, the few seconds are needed. Opening my eyes the first thing I see is my hand in Cas’s.

_This man really does care about me, who else would be comfortable holding another man’s hand. Yet he shows no indication of discomfort. Lifting my eyes they lock on eyes that show love, compassion, fear, hope, and determination._

_Holding myself back, hiding my pain, pretending to be fine, and burying all the bad feelings, thoughts, nightmares only left me alone and miserable after hell. After waking from the memory, I felt lighter and less alone. I want that again._

“I’ll do it, once more then we’ll talk about it before I decide if we go back in again.” Dean forces out before he chickens out.

Cas takes a deep breath, squeezes my hand then leans back against the headboard again with his eyes closed. Sitting here with our eyes closed, listening to each other breath feels intimate In ways I never thought possible with clothes on. Shuddering, shaking my head to clear that thought. Just thinking about being naked near anyone makes my stomach clench. 

Knocking interrupts our peaceful moment.

“Can we come in?” Sam say through the door.

Reluctantly I get up, open the door. Sam and Kevin are standing there looking nervous. Waiting for either to talk, when neither do I roll my eyes. Huffing out a breath I start talking instead. “We agreed to try it again, then see how it goes before deciding on any more sessions.”

Both nod, looks of relief on their faces. “Oh um that, that's great. Hungry at all I've made some sandwiches and salad.

_Always trying to push that rabbit food on me, add it with sandwiches and suddenly ill eat it. Not likely!_

“Sure that sounds great,” looking back to Cas he is smiling. Sliding off the bed he walks towards me gently brushing his hand against mine as he leaves the room.

Um, what was that about. Earlier he was comforting me, right now there is no reason for it. Not that I don't like it but he doesn't know that and never will. Such a light touch, not sexually charged in any way. Felt loving?

Following them all to eat and watch Sam try to subtly push the salad closer to my dish. Messing with him by reaching towards the salad as if to pick it up but grabbing a napkin. I've missed this, smiling, having fun, and not constantly trying to hide looking out for danger. Sam flashes a fake angry look towards me shaking his head when I laugh out deeply. I can't remember the last time I laughed like that or even laughed. Maybe these sessions will be a good thing.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bold dialog is Cas speaking. 
> 
> Past thoughts are in italics as usual.
> 
> Current thoughts will have {current thought} around it. 
> 
> Underline is an imaginary person. Only two lines.
> 
> Please let me know if this is too confusing. 
> 
> Thanks :)

Dean P.O.V

 

Waking up to sharp pain on my side, as soon as my eyes open panic sets in.

_ Sir is kicking me. _

He is yelling at me, “What the fuck do you think you are doing? Get up now, I will not accept disobedience!”

Scrambling to the corner I say, “I was sleeping, how can you expect me to be in position if I'm asleep when you come in?” As soon as I got into position and start my repeat I see Cas sitting next to me. I wish I could turn my head to look at him or even talk to him. 

**“Dean you're right that expectation is ridiculous, he is crazy and looking for an excuse to hurt you.”**

It’s odd feeling fear and panic but also relief from seeing Cas. Emotions from then and then other new feelings. I can feel the split from past emotions and present emotions. 

Jackass is yelling, “That is not my problem, it's yours, figure it out. After your punishment, you will have more incentive to follow rules. Now don’t move.”

Cas is sitting next to me holding my hand, it's warm and gentle. Filling me with contentment. 

**“Dean, remember this is a memory, anytime you can get out. I encourage you to give this a try first. I’ll be here the whole time. You are not stuck here."**

_{I can do that, remember I’m not stuck. Cas is here with me.}_

_ I can take a beating no big deal, not the first time won't be the last I'm sure. _

He grabs the back of my neck pushes my head to the floor, holding me there as if I could move. When I start hearing his belt buckle and zipper behind me panic sets in. 

**“Listen to my voice, focus on my voice. Concentrate on my hand on yours. Feel me squeeze your hand, my fingers caress your palm.”**

_ Oh God please not that. _

Wasting no time he thrust in me, my eyes fly open. I’m screaming, begging him to stop. The pain feels like burning ripping me apart, I can feel something running down my legs. 

**“Keep looking at me as long as you can. Feel my hand placed on your chest over your heart. Focus on my fingers tapping along to your heartbeat, imagine it is my heartbeat.”**

“No, stop Please stop, No no please.” Yelling out does no good, he doesn't stop. I’m trying to do what Cas is saying. An expression that looks like pain or anguish flashes across Cas’s face. I can feel his hands and see into his eyes but I can also still feel Sir hurting me. I wish that really was his heart with my hand laying on his chest or my head. Listening to the beats, sound of air moving in his lungs. The gentle way he would brush his fingers through my hair caressing my neck. 

_{Stop thinking like that, he didn't say anything about hair or neck. Focus on him and only him. It's so hard to do with this, burning fire spreading through me.}_

“This is your fault, you don't follow the rules you will pay for it.”

_My fault, it's my fault. What is wrong with me._

**“Dean this is not your fault, he chose to hurt you. Nothing you do deserves this.”**

_{Oh, not my fault. Listen to Cas and only him.}_

Tears flowing out, Cas is laying on the floor next to me face against the floor also facing me a tear rolls down his face. Gently caressing my face and cheek. 

“Please stop, hurts too much,” Screaming begging. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. There is nothing but this pain, burning, stinging, and stabbing pain. 

**“Dean focus on me, listen to the sound of my voice.”**

_ {Focus on Cas!} _

**“I’m here for you, I care for you greatly. Your an amazing friend, brother, you have many friends that love you. You are strong, loving, intelligent, and selfless to a fault. Keep listening to me, focus on me and the feel of my hand. See the love and affection I have for you in my eyes."**

_{Love and affection? I can see it. Joy is joined with the pain and fear I’m feeling. I can feel each separately attached to their memory.}_

I’m trying to focus on the sound of Cas’s voice, the feel of his hand the look in his eyes. Eyes that show pain, devastation and respect. Difficult to focus all this pain is making me dizzy. My chest hurts, eyes and throat hurt.

“Stop pretending you don't like this, Yeah that’s right scream for me. Dean instead of begging for me to stop, beg for me to fuck you harder.” He ordered me, Cas flinches turns his head slightly shooting daggers at Sir. Then turned back to me, anger changed back to the compassionate, and supportive expressions.

**“I’m here, I won't leave. I know you don't like this, I know he is lying. Dean, he is lying. You are not enjoying this.”**

_ {Hearing Cas say he knows I don't like this calms me some. I was so worried he would leave out of disgust.} _

Cas lightly runs his fingertips over my cheek.

“Please fuck me harder please please fuck me harder.” My throat hurts, comes out raspy.

“Say you're loving this, beg to suck my cock,” he orders.

“I’m loving this please let me suck your cock, Please I'm loving this.” I’m crying so hard I can't see very well. Cas is attempting to wipe the tears away as several joins his own face.

**“Dean keep focusing on me and my words. You are a brave, strong, smart, loving and kind man. I know he is forcing you to say those things. You don't mean any of it. None of this is your fault.”**

“Oh since you asked so nicely how could I not give you what you want.” He says as he pulls out, pushes me on to my side. Grabs my hair, pulling it up till I'm kneeling.

Cas had to move, he is now kneeling next to me. Caressing my hand, if only I could squeeze his hand back.

“Dean come on playing hard to get really, You begged for this. Let's go, don't make this difficult. No Ok, Dean open your mouth, no biting keep your eyes open and on mine. My mouth opens without my permission, eyes move to his.

_ Please no, looking him in the eye during this somehow makes this worse. Oh please no he is covered in my blood.  _

**“He made you beg. You didn't choose to. You don't enjoy any of this.”**

Cas’s voice sounds strained as he stutters some of his words. He takes a breath, wipes his eyes appearing to be calming himself.

“See was that so hard, don't worry soon when you are completely trained you're going to really beg for this.”

**“You will never consensually beg for anything from him. You do not have to beg anyone for anything.”**

Cas moves one hand covering my eyes. Continuing to gently caress my other hand. Lightly grazing my skin up to my elbow. Sending shivers through me, if this was real my body would have trembled. Cas moves his hand back over my heart while covering my eyes. Whispering in my ear.

**“Dean, you are an amazingly beautiful man. Your soul is bright and blemishes free. You are pure. Millions of years of humans created and none of them compare to you. That's how I see you, I see you as a light bright cleansing and refreshing. Such a joy-filled personality. Always trying to make others happy getting them to laugh forgetting their pain for a few minutes. That is a rare gift.”**

As Cas is talking I can feel what is being done to me by Sir but everything Cas is saying and doing is overlapping it. Blocking it. I still feel the pain and fear from then, nowhere near as strong as the love, admiration and respect Cas is showing me.

He forces his cock deep choking me, thrusts a few times. Pulls out then says, “Your allowed to move your neck and upper shoulders.” Attempting to catch my breath he says, “Dean lick my cock, all of it keep going till I tell you to stop.”

“Aaarrgg that's it get it all, you're my bitch now.  Your a dirty whore, all your good for is a rough fuck.” He is moaning stroking my hair as if he cares.

**“Dean listen to me focus, You are not a dirty whore. You are not only good for a rough fuck. You are an amazing person that has so much to offer to anyone You are beautiful inside and out. You are not his bitch now, your not a bitch never have been and never will be. He doesn't own you.”**

“Dean I've got a deal for you, If you put all your effort into getting me to cum, and I cum within 5 minutes I won't fuck you anymore today. If you can't in that time frame or decline the deal, then I will fuck you at least twice more today. It's up to you, take the deal or refuse and only do the minimum. Either way, I will get off today. Up to you once or at least 3 times today. Stop licking me you have 10 seconds to choose.”

**“No matter what you chose, I respect you. I don't know which I would choose if it were me. Both are horrible, neither choice says anything about you.”**

_No, no 2 more times today please no, I can't do that again. This is a power play either way he wins. Me caving in or him fucking me more. How do I know he will keep his end of the deal. Not enough time to decide..._

“Dean, deal or no deal?”

He smirks when I whisper, “Deal Sir.”

“What was that I couldn't hear you, speak louder”

Taking a breath I speak louder, “Deal Sir.”

“Thought so shows how weak you are. You must love the way I taste. Dean tell me you love the way I taste and can't get enough of it.”

**“Dean you are not weak at all, you are the strongest man I know. Dean, you do not love the way he tastes, you despise it. You don't want any quantity of it.”**

Grudging I say, “I love the way you taste and can't get enough of it.”

“You're in luck I'll let you have it, you are allowed to use your hands. Awe look at that all this talking has made me soft. Your gonna have to work harder now” he looks at his watch then says, ”Ok start.”

Quickly I begin licking him while using my hand to stroke him and the other to massage his balls. Licking the head twirling my tongue around it. He starts moaning loudly. 

_ Eww, I can taste myself on him. _

I take him in my mouth hollow out my cheeks on the way down. Using my hand to stroke and twist. My jaw hurts, I don't know how much time I have left, I start deep throating him bobbing my head fast sucking, licking. I can't even force myself to look at Cas, I’m so ashamed.

**“Dean I don't see you any differently now. Nothing that happens the entire 6 months here will change that. He is the one that should feel ashamed. The level of respect I have for you has not changed, If anything it is higher now. Seeing how strong and brave you are.”**

“Yes, yes Dean keep going almost there.”

He lifts his wrist looking at his watch, In, Between grunts and huffing, he says 30 seconds left. 

_NO no, no all this for nothing._

The last trick I can think of, I start humming with him deep in my throat swallowing around the head of his cock. His legs are shaking and then stiffen, he grabs my head holding me in place. Moaning and groaning, pushing himself in as deep as possible. He is so deep I have no choice to swallow. I gag several times, he tastes so bad I may actually throw up.

“Aha Yeah that's it take it all swallow it all, you earned it” He pulls out just as his watch beeps. Gasping attempting to breathe hurts my chest causing me to start coughing.

**“You did not earn that, you were forced to pleasure him.”**

“I knew you could do it. A whore like you must be used to getting guys off quick before your caught. You sell your mouth, don't you? That good at sucking cock it would be a shame for you not to make money off of it. You know what that is a good idea, I can make a lot of money selling that mouth of yours and I’m guessing that ass too. It's very tight for now, of course, it won't stay that way after I'm done with you.” 

Cas’s kneels in front of me now blocking my view. Holding both my hands now gently squeezing. If I could, id look down to see if my hands move at all. Looking into his eyes is comforting, love and respect reflecting back to me. If only I could smile back at him, allow all the love and affection I have for him to show in my eyes I would.

**“Dean you are not a whore! You are not getting guys off before you get caught. Only you decide if you want to use your mouth to make money. Nothing he says is a good Idea. He will not know the status of your ass after you get free.”**

Cas’s eyes shut as if in complete peace and joy. Strong relaxation and calm show through body language. His eyes closed, head limp, his body relaxes, a small smile appearing on his face. He opens his eyes looks at mine, shock, and surprise appearing in his eyes. He shakes his head as if he was in a fog.

“No Sir,” I reply while shaking my head.

His hand wraps around my throat, “Are you telling me what I can and can not do with your body, I own that body.”

**“NO one owns your body but you, He doesn't own any part of you.”**

Shaking my head, I attempt to respond. When I can't he loosened his grip some. “I was answering your question. No, I have never sold my mouth before.” I respond in a scratchy whisper.

“Dean if you had a choice would you sell your ass to make me happy?”

_ That's an easy one, what would make him think any answer other then no is coming. _

“No sir,” I answer.

“Oh well maybe before we're done you will choose to. Doesn't mean I still won't sell it but it would be nice if you would repay my generosity.”

_ He really is crazy, I’ll never do that willingly If he orders me I will have no choice. As long as it's my choice my answer will always be NO. _

“Anyway time to get on with our day, due to your misbehavior we are running late. Not sure if we will still be able to squeeze lunch in the schedule today.”

_ What is wrong with me, now because of me I may not get to eat today. _

**“It's not your fault the “schedule” was altered. You did not misbehave. He is crazy and lying to you.”**

“I’m sorry,” I say looking down

“Dean for admitting your fault you will get lunch today. Now let's hurry before I have to remove that from the schedule again today.” 

**“That was not your fault, You did nothing wrong.”**

“Position…..repeat,” He orders me.

Quickly I get into position starting on my repeat. As I move pain is shooting down my legs. My throat hurts from screaming and being fucked, every word I say increases the pain. The worst of the pain is my ass. Burning stabbing pain, it feels like someone is stabbing me with a knife made of fire. Something is still making the back of my thighs wet. Must be blood.

**“I’m still here for you, you are not alone, remember the “The all about Dean” phrase is not true, it is all a lie. You will be free and safe again, this will not last forever.”**

“Again Position...repeat,” he instructs me. 

He grabs my hair pulls my head back, “Are you doing this wrong on purpose? As defiance or to anger me, because if you are you will be very sorry. Don't lie to me!” He growled at me teeth clenched.

**“You are not saying the wrong words. He is lying.”**

“No Sir, really I'm not, I can't tell what I'm doing wrong,” I respond in a shaky voice.

“Well, that means we will have to add in more time for practicing daily till you get it. I should have expected that since you are so dumb it would take you longer. Do you think that is a great idea?” He questions. 

**“You are in no way dumb. Your intelligent, strategic, a fast thinker, amazing problem solver.”**

_ Oh come on that is a trick question! _

Hesitantly I respond, “No Sir.”

“So what would you suggest then?”

“Um, I don't know, I can't think of anything Sir.”

“I keep forgetting how stupid you are. If you come up with one let me know and I’ll let you know what I think.” Smirking the whole time, he knew I wouldn't have an answer. 

**“You are not stupid, He is very stupid.”**

How would I know the best ways to train someone. I've broken others using torture but not these physiological games. It terrifies me, these games I have no doubt will work. Someone needs to get here soon. Pain I can handle, this is different. I don't know how long I'll be able to hold on.

“Keep going only 3 more hours of practice today” he informs me.

_ Are you kidding me that is crazy, my knees are going to be so sore?  _

After three hours nothing but, “The all about Dean phrase,” exists in my head. Without any effort by me, it just keeps coming out of my mouth. At first, I could hear Cas and feel his hands. Looking down stopped me from looking directly at him. Over the 3 hours, everything including Cas’s voice and touch started to fade away. I can't see anything or hear anything. Only the phrase repeating in my head over and over and coming out of my mouth over and over. Suddenly there is a pain in my head my face is stinging. Something hit my face hard forcing my head to turn to the left.

“How dare you ignore me, when I speak you respond when I call you, you answer.” He places his foot on my ankle pressing all his weight down. Sharp pain shoots up my leg, forcing me to yell out. I don't think it is broken I didn't hear a cracking sound. Cas’s is pacing, mumbling swear words and insults. Many of his insults don't make any sense, it's the thought that counts. 

**“He has no right to treat you this way. Only you get to decide if, when, how and who to respond to.”**

“I..I...I didn't mean to,” Comes out shaky.

“Get up, go use the bathroom, clean yourself up. You are disgusting, you have thirty minutes before I come to get you. That is unless you want some shower fun.” 

**“He is the only disgusting one here. I’ll have to go with you into the bathroom but I'll turn.”**

 

I rush to the bathroom, turn the shower on while using the toilet to save time. Every step hurts my ankle aches and throbs. When I get into the shower, finding the soap I start to wash. 

Cas is standing past the curtain, trying to give me privacy. I’d rather he be in here with me. Not like he hasn't seen all of me by now. Immediately Cas is standing in the shower with me. It's odd seeing water coming down but he stays dry. He wrapped his arms around me, standing behind me. Resting his face on my back, palm covering my heart. Humming a song I don't know but it is causing the stress to melt from my body.

“I’m sorry I don't know what I was thinking. This feeling came over me that I needed to be with you right away. Id leave but the feeling is so strong, it's almost painful to step away.”

_ I don't care what the reason is, having him here is soothing. _

Everything hurts not able to control it I start crying. Cas’s hand starts moving in soothing circles over my chest continuing to hum. Not sure if I’m crying from the pain or everything, all the sexual torture. I've been in much worse pain in my life and didn't react this strongly this quickly. Washing my hair I hear someone open the door. 

_ NO no no NO please, it can't have been a half hour yet. Breath, come on keep breathing. _

My heart is pounding in my chest, I move as close to the wall as possible. Forgetting Cas behind me being pressed into the wall. Gasping, and huffing short breaths, waiting for the pain that is coming. 

**“Concentrate on my hand, listen to the song I’m humming. Feel the vibration from my chest as I hum. Focus on my breath on your shoulders, your not alone.”**

I hear laughing on the other side of the curtain, “So weak and pathetic, in here crying. You have five minutes left, there is a towel for you on the toilet. Don't dawdle.”

**“Dean you are not weak and pathetic, You are a strong impressive man.”**

Quickly I rinse my hair, turn the water off. The towel is not amazing but it is clean and warm. I leave the bathroom the towel wrapped around my hips.

“Aw, so cute you thought you could keep that, towels stay in the bathroom. Go on run it back in there.” He says shaking his head as if I should know this. 

After taking the towel back, I feel colder than before. Missing that marginally not crappy towel. 

“Dean, go sit there back to the wall, Now don’t lie to me. When you masturbate do you think about someone you know?” 

_ What would he want to know that for? Sick bastard, when I figure out a way he is going to die. Painfully! _

Swallowing my throat is so sore, “Um yes, Sir.” I can't look at him. 

**“Nothing to be ashamed about, sexual release is important for physical health. Fantasizing is normal, Father made attractive humans for a reason. He intended for humans to desire each other not just to reproduce. Father never meant for it to appear he frowns upon masturbation.”**

“Does this person know you are using him/her for your spank bank?”

_ Oh God please don't ask me who. _

Stuttering I respond, “NO Sir.” while shaking my head repeatedly

He stands up slaps my face, “Don't ever yell at me again!” He goes back to sit on the chair. “You act like I was going to find the person and tell on you. Ha, that would be funny but no can't risk losing you.”

**“Anytime you feel like it, you can yell at him, you don't need permission to express your emotions. He doesn't deserve respect.”**

_ God thank you, I couldn't bear that. _

“Dean you look a little frustrated, sexually that is.

My head whips up eyes wide, squeaking out, “Deal...Sir?”

He laughs, “I always keep my deals. I said I wouldn't fuck you anymore today. Dean you are going to get yourself off. Let's go, close your eyes, imagine the person you usually masturbate to is touching you. This person is really here right now touching you. Imagine this person here talking dirty to you. Remember this person is really here, this is really happening. Start now. I'd be careful not to call out any names if you want to keep your secret.”

My eyes close, I wrap my hand around myself. I can feel him, stroking me slowly using more pressure towards the base. “Oh yeah just like that, keep going.” It doesn't take long for me to become rock hard. Feeling him touching me, I've imagined this so many times, never thought it would be this amazing.

I can hear him saying. “I’m going to suck your cock, lick you from base to tip. Take you deep, deepthroat you. Lick suck you while you fuck my throat, Hum right as your cock hits the back of my throat.”

His hand starts moving faster. Strong, grip moving up and down passing his thumb over the head spreading precum around causing a smoother stroke. My heart rate increases, breathing shallow breaths. Groaning, and moaning out, “Please don't stop, so good that's it go faster.”

He tells me he wants me to fuck him, ride him hard and deep.

I’m so close! “Faster, tighter please.” I’m light headed breathing heavy, moaning, my legs start to shake.

That's it cum deep in my throat, let me have it.

He starts massaging my balls, that sends me over. My body bows with a loud gasp. Heels pressing into the floor body shaking. My head thrown back letting out a loud roar releasing my cum on my stomach. Falling back to the floor, huffing body feels like jello. Aftershocks causing me to tremble, I sigh enjoying the afterglow. 

A voice cuts into my bliss, “Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

I open my eyes to see Sir there, holding a phone. A big smirk crosses his face. 

A choking sob escapes my mouth, I slap my hand over my mouth. 

_ NO no no no, why. Please don't say it was all recorded. _

**“Dean let's take a break, let go of my hand.”**

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


Dean P.O.V

 

Blue eyes looking right at me, that's the view I get when my eyes open. 

You’re not there, not there. Calm down.

My head is spinning, stomach twisting. Heart beating hard feels like it's going to beat right out of my chest. Gasping for air, struggling to get enough air. Suddenly I feel a hand lightly on my chest.

“Dean copy me, breath in deep breaths, deep breath out that's it keep doing that.” He picks my hand up, places it on his chest. “Focus on my breathing, you're safe now.” It's getting easier to breath now. 

_ Please don't let go of my hand.  _

Cas squeezes my hand, I open my eyes to see him smiling at me. 

“There you are, back now? Better?” He asks me

“Uh yeah, I think so.”

“The things he did...I was so scared. Why, why what did I do. I've sent a lot of demon’s back to hell none have this vendetta against me. It hurt...It hurt so badly.” My body starts shaking I turn my head and hold my breath so he doesn't see me crying.

_ So weak, so weak. Pathetic worthless crying about something I deserved. _

Arm’s pull me over, my back pressed against Cas’s chest. My hands grip his arms, my crying overpowers me. Now I’m sobbing, gasping for breath, tighten my grip on his arms afraid he will leave me. 

“Shush I’m here you're safe now. I’m not going anywhere, there you go let it out.” He rests his head on my shoulder, begins humming. So beautiful relaxes my whole body until I'm crying softly. Cried out, we just lay here. I know I should move over, instead of him having to touch me.

_How is he not disgusted, all the disgusting things I said and did. That I chose to do, taking that bet. He shouldn't have to touch me, it's wrong of me to want this. There is no way he will ever feel about me as I do about him. Not after seeing that._

Cas speaking cuts through my thinking, “Hey listen to me, None of that was your fault! You did nothing wrong, I respect you greatly.” I attempt to pull away spare him from having to touch me anymore. “Let me hold you for a little more please.”

_ He wants to hold me, that doesn't make sense. _

I don't know how to respond to that so I just nod and rest my head on his arms. 

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

Sam P.O.V

 

The past two weeks have been emotional for us all. It's not Dean’s fault, he is not in control of his emotions most days. He is not intentionally struggling to regulate his emotions. Switching emotions with no obvious cause, If he knows what triggered him sometimes he’ll try to explain it. He doesn't always tell us either, it’s clear Cas will figure it out sometimes. That must be due to his extra knowledge from the sessions.

He could be laughing with us all then suddenly he is crying. Sitting watching t.v and then he becomes angry, yelling, cursing not directed towards us though. Kevin and I set up an “Anger room” for Dean during one of his sessions with Cas. Put in a punching bag, mats on the floors and furniture, that no one cares if broken. I made sure to let him know we won't be upset if he shows his anger outside of the room. Sometimes I use the room too, it's soundproofed great for yelling in rage.

Eating dinner mumbling to himself about how he is too fat to eat this much. He doesn’t eat nearly as much as he uses to or should. His self-esteem is low, multiple times a day hearing him criticize himself. Calling himself stupid, disgusting, worthless, and several other insulting terms. No matter what anyone says he won't change his opinion. It's that damn spell still until Cas and he goes through all the memories his mind will not change. Compliments anger him, he thinks we are lying to him or trying to trick him. I prefer the angry reaction to the fearful one. Watching him cower in a corner begging not to be hurt is a horrifying and heartbreaking scene. Many times that sends me to the “Anger room.”    

Doing some research has been helpful for us. Learning about panic attacks, flashbacks, triggers, PTSD, breathing exercises, and grounding. Dean is not too open-minded concerning anything PTSD related, insisting he doesn't have it. Kevin, Cas and I share any info we have on any new triggers we’ve noticed. Cas never gives any info from the session and we don’t ask. If Dean wants to tell us he will, and has been informed he can at any time. He hasn't said that horrible phrase again but we still steer clear of those words. His triggers are not predictable, something that I wouldn't think would trigger him does. If I can I help him ground he may refuse to need grounding but he is receptive to suggestions during an episode.

Often he needs to be reminded there are no rules anymore. Some triggers cause a trance-like state that he responds to as he was ordered to then. When I saw him standing in front of the bunker exit staring at the door I was concerned at first. Realizing he may have forgotten he can go outside. I opened the door and encouraged him to come outside, he sat out there for hours quietly sitting there. Now he goes out there at least once a day, sometimes one of us sits with him. 

Dean and Cas spend hours alone in his room. Sometimes I hear them whispering to each other late at night. I don't think Cas leaves the room either till morning. We leave them to it, attempting to give Dean as much privacy as possible. It's a toss up on what Dean and Cas’s mood and emotional state will be leaving the room. Their bond seems to be getting stronger, they have private conversations. Cas always knows the right things to say, able to calm Dean’s fears quickly before panic turns to panic attacks. Several times Cas has come to calm Dean from another room. No signs outside of the room of Dean’s emotions for him to respond to.

Two days ago Dean and I were watching T.V on the couch, while Cas and Kevin sat on the other side of the room playing chess. At least 10 feet away. The characters on the show we were watching were taking pictures of another character. Dean froze his body shuttered, anger apparent on his face. Both his fists clenched started shaking, I glanced towards Cas and both his fists are also clenched and shaking. Seconds later Cas is sitting next to Dean whispering in his ear holding his hand. They hold hands a lot lately, neither seem to mind it. It’s interesting watching them together sometimes, there is something happening between them. I doubt anything sexual since Dean doesn't like to be touched by anyone other than Cas but something is happening. He flinches when Kevin or I touch him before he remembers he is safe, but Cas can touch him without any warning.

I’m not jealous at all, actually, I’m happy for them. Those two have been blind to each other's feelings for so long. If they are happy then I am, I won’t be questioning them about it though. It's possible Dean would freak out if he knew we all know his feelings, sabotage it or do something stupid.

 

++++++++++++++++++++

Dean P.O.V

 

Two weeks of sessions, one month through the memories. Every time before a session I’m doubtful this is even necessary, but then after I learn another lie I was told. I’m not sure how Cas is still willing to do this, the things he has heard, seen it shocks me he hasn't left yet. Every day I have no idea how I will react to anything. There are times I’ll have a different reaction to the same situation. I feel out of control most of the time, roller coaster of feelings. Images and sounds that are not really here but feel so real at the time, It's like I'm back there.

Listening to music usually calms me, trying to decide which record to play next. I’ve played some of them for Cas, most he doesn’t understand. I try to explain them and that’s even funnier. Until the day the record that has, “His favorite song” comes up during the hunt for the next I want to show Cas. Clutching the record in my hand falling to my knees crying, Cas is there instantly.

“I loved that song.” I sob out 

“I know, I know shh,” Cas responds while holding me running his fingers through my hair.

He took the record out of my hand puts it to the side, held me while I cried. Convinced me not to break it when rage overwhelmed me. I can't look at it, it's under all my sweaters in the bottom drawer of my dresser. He said someday I may want it, I don't see how just thinking about it makes me sick.  

We are about to start another session, the sigil is already done. Holding hands, recently we started facing each other on our sides before entering the memory. This way we see each other first when we get back. I keep my eyes open for as long as possible, watching Cas saying the spell. Recently I've noticed a strange light right before my eyes close.

 

Dean P.O.V.

 

I’m sitting on the chair that usually he sits in, I earned a day off the floor. I had to randomly tell him all I was feeling emotionally and physically while he beat and fucked me without an order. He is always proposing deals with me to earn something.

Sir is standing leaning against the wall writing in a notebook he writes in often, I've been ordered to never read it. As if I want to read his diary, I definitely don’t want to know the things he thinks about. He pushes off the wall walks towards me, instinctually I flinch causing him to laugh at me. Cas is standing next to me, hand on my shoulder caressing me with his thumb.

“Dean tell me the address where your brother, and you live. Not some motel, tell the truth,” he said. I think I’m going to be sick. Cas angles his body so I can see his face, looks me right in the eye.

**“Dean it's ok, remember we are all safe, He never came here.”**

_NO no, don't say it._

Without my permission, my mouth opens, “There is no actual mailing address it is an abandoned water plant.” I'm so angry with my self for telling him even that much. My heart is racing, a cold sweat spreads over me. My fear is so intense my whole body is vibrating. Looking into Cas’s eyes I see understanding.

**“The spell won't let you disobey him it's not your fault you told him. He forced you too.”**

“Ok tell me how to get there, driving directions.”

_Why!_

Again I speak, out of my control, and explain in detail how to get there through clenched teeth. He writes it all down. My breathing has accelerated, attempting to bring in air, I breathe deeper to calm myself.

“Please don't hurt them. Please, I’ll do anything you want just leave them alone,” I beg him. Blue eyes are in front of my facing blocking the monsters. I can feel Cas’s hand gently stroking my cheek.

_“He doesn’t hurt us.”_

_{Remember Cas is right, this is a memory, they are safe.}_  

He gives me an amused look, “You already have to do everything I say, I'm not planning on hurting them. When they see what you have become after this, it will hurt your precious Sammy plenty.”

**“You do not have to do everything he says. Only you make choices about you or your body. You are a strong, independent, and brave man. Don't forget you helped to stop the apocalypse, how many can say that?”**

_How dare he call him Sammy only I can call him that. That name should never come out of his dirty mouth._  

I feel anger rising up in me, hands clenching to fists. I look up to his eyes thoughts of all the ways I want to hurt him going through my mind. Calling him every insult I can think of.

 **“You have every right to be angry.”**  

He throws his notebook down punches my jaw hard, I land on the floor. He starts kicking my side then lowers to his knees. Punching me everywhere, my arms covering my head. “Move your arms,” he yells. Pain everywhere, each hit causes me to let out a groan. My eyes squeezed shut, I can't tell if Cas’s hands are anywhere on me. All I can feel is the pain.

**“I’m here you're not alone. You will be safe again, at home with us.”**

_Please, not the face again._

After I move my arms, he punches me three times in the face. Blood dripping out my mouth and nose. My eye is already swelling, going to be a big bruise. “You better learn to control your anger, I've put up with your behavior so far but it's getting annoying.”

**“You have done nothing to deserve this, you have not misbehaved. Only you are in charge of deciding if your behavior is good or bad. You're allowed to feel any emotion at any time."**

He holds my arms down straddles my waist, unbuckles his pants pulls the zipper down. Cas is sitting on the floor above my head, singing one of the songs I taught him. I can feel Cas’s breath on my skin, I try to focus on it.

**“I know you’re scared, just listen to my voice. Feel my hand on your head. Focus on me. You are an amazingly strong person, I admire you. You are loved and deserve love. Nothing he says is true. Dean your compassion impresses me, all the evil you have seen yet your soul is pure all white. Every time you walk into the room makes me happy. Spending time with you is more enjoyable than centuries of experiences.**

_No no please not that again, Oh God not that._

“Dean don't move,” he orders. Then stands up completely removing his pants. He gets back on the floor with me grabs my legs separating them places his body between them. “I think this time will be face to face since you can't control your facial expressions.” My eyes widen he always fucks me from behind, never face to face. Taking my legs opening them wider and higher up, one thrust he is balls deep. Biting my lip to stop myself from yelling out. I close my eyes until he says, “No no you don't, open those eyes, look right into mine.”

Cas covers my eyes holding my hand with his other hand. Humming next to my ear or talking loud to drown out the monster’s noises.

**“You don't have to control your facial expressions.”**

Rocking on top of me, chest to chest breathing in my face. Moaning and groaning right in my face. Tears rolling down my cheeks, Sir is caressing my cheeks. Then grabs my head holding it secure one hand of his on each side of my head. This time because he is on top every movement rubs my cock causing me to groan.

I can’t see this time with my eyes covered, Cas sounds farther away. I can still hear him though just not enough to cover the monster.

_No no, if I cum he will never let me forget it._

**“Your body was designed to respond to stimulation. When you are tickled you laugh does that mean you are always happy while being tickled? No, it's an involuntary response to stimulation.”**

When he starts moaning, “Sammy” my eyes widen and stomach clenches. He smiles seeing this and starts saying it over and over while looking me right in the eye. At Least this time I can’t see him, I can still remember his eyes from the first memory.

**“Dean focus on me, feel my hand in your hand. Listen to the sound of my voice, I won't leave you. We will see each other again, we will laugh and watch T.V. together again. We will sit together eating burgers enjoying a meal with our family. You're not stuck here.”**

“Fuck Sammy you feel amazing so hot, and tight.” He puts a hand around my throat squeezing. “Yes, your so much tighter when you can't breathe, I can feel your hard cock under me. Dirty whore, are you going to cum?” He stammers out between heavy breathing and grunts. His grip on my throat weakens allowing me to breathe, and answer his question. 

**“You are not a dirty whore, don't listen to him. He is a lier, he wants to hurt you as much as possible.”**

I can feel my climax is close, my eyes roll to the back of my head, chain raises up. Yelling out. “Yes Sir I am,” as I cum.

_So disgusting cumming to this._

**“You are not disgusting. You are a beautifully attractive man with an even more beautiful heart.”**

_{Wait did he just respond to my thought not only is that odd it's a past thought?}_

He leans over grabs my hair pulls my head to the side exposing my neck. My skin stings when he bites into it, causing me to hiss. Leaving teeth marks, his jaw releases my flesh as he yells out. “That’s it Sammy take it deep yeah just like that,” One last time roaring, “Sammy” as he cums inside me. He lays down on top of me with all his weight leans his chin next to my ear whispers, “I’ll say Sammy’s name anytime I want to, you got that?” Pressing two fingers hard on the bite mark he gave me. “You can move your hands now, throw up on me you sleep two nights chained up.” Cas uncovers my eyes, his face is wet with tears.

**“He never has permission to say Sammy’s name or even think of him.”**

Covering my mouth, I quickly say, “Yes Sir.” before covering my mouth again. He gets off me sits on the floor next to me. I’m gagging struggling not to throw up all over him, “You can move now.” I crawl to the bathroom almost not making it before I repeatedly throw up. Cas is rubbing my back speaking soothing words to me.

{I need out!}

 

Cas P.O.V

 

“Are you ok?”

Dean opens his eyes, shakes his head responding, “No.” Then he moves closer to me resting his head on me. Rubbing circles on his back while he cries. He cries almost every time after a session. I didn't need to be asked to keep that between us I would never break the confidence Dean has in me.

I rest my chin on his head, letting a few tears out myself. Sorrow consumes me at these moments, seeing him like this.

“Thank you,” he says after every session.

Lifting his head, looking at me. He is so close to my face and his body is pressed against mine. My body starts to react to him pressed against it.

_Control yourself this is not ok, think of dying puppies or monster guts._

Dean earnestly says, “No really Thank you, I don’t know how I would be without you.” His hand reaching up wiping a tear off my face.

“You are welcome,” I respond, telling him he deserves my help and more will only start a debate. If only this man could feel the respect, affection, love, and admiration I feel for him. Watching Dean’s face suddenly his eyes flutter shut, his body relaxes, head tips back he takes a deep breath and smiles.

“Dean, what just happened?” I ask him

He looks to be in some kind of afterglow lazily he responds, “I don't know suddenly I felt amazing all these feeling rushed through me. It felt so good, warm and comfortable. It feels natural.”

“Wait, have you had that happen before recently, feel anything that doesn't feel as if it started inside you but came at you.”

His eyes flutter open, blinking several times like he is trying to focus. “Sometimes lately I’ll feel anger or sadness or a few times amused. That feels like they are come at me or hitting me than soaking inside me.

Looking up examining Dean’s head, there is a faint light connecting him to my head. A loud gasp comes out before I can stop it. Dean has a worried expression on his face, let's hope it doesn't turn to anger. 

I didn't think to look for it, it's not easy to see. Or maybe I didn't want to look and see it not there. It's harder for angels to see than humans. Only visible in some angles without looking directly at it. “Dean don't turn your head but look out the corner of your eye then up, do you see anything?” Dean jumps out of the bed.

Yelling and Stuttering, “What the hell is that?” Dean demands to know.

“Um”... Is all I get out before the door is opened, Sam and Kevin standing in the doorway ready to fight. Dean is pointing back and forth from his head to mine. 

Sam and Kevin look at each other with knowing looks. “Did you two know about this?” I direct my question to either of the two.

Both nod, Sam says, “We thought you knew. It is much brighter now than before. It wasn't there all the time recently more often than at first. Is this not part of the spell?”

“Well um,” I hesitate to respond

“Well, what? Dean asks

“Normally this spell is done with two angels, they end up forming a bond. Connecting them, emotions, not thoughts really but the essence of thought. Not individual words just the theme of the thoughts. So if one is sad about say a friend died the other would know the sadness is because of a friend dying but not the exact words of the thought. It’s not done often between angels and humans and there is only one reason for concern if it is.” 

_This shouldn't have happened, he can’t feel that for me. He is going to be so angry._

“And that is?” Dean asks impatiently moving his hands in the air.

_I guess is time to get it all out there._

“Um, Love,” I whisper looking down

“What I couldn't hear you,” Dean steps closer to me. 

I look up, face Dean and speak louder, “Fine….Love, that's the one issue. If the two are in love with each other it acts as if both are angels.” Letting out a sigh.

Sam says, “Ah I think we will give you some privacy.” Sam and Kevin leave the room in a hurry closing the door behind them.

Dean is standing there shocked muttering, “How,” repeatedly.

_This isn't possible, he must love me unless the spell is mistaken. Great, he is going to freak out and run._

“I won't leave you Cas, I’m staying here,” Dean says looking right at me. Not frozen into shocked babbling.

“Why didn’t you mention this when you explained the spell to us?” He questions

“I didn’t think we had to worry about it,” I respond

“So you don’t actually love me?”

“No..” He interrupts me.

“Oh ok,” the saddest look on his face. My heart aches to see him hurting. 

“No Dean let me finish, I was going to say, I didn’t think you felt that way about me. I kept telling myself that you don’t see me that way. So you are in love with me?” 

Dean shifts from one foot to the other responding, “Um yeah I am, What happens now?”

“Can you come and sit back down next to me, I prefer you close,” I ask him holding out my hand smiling at him.

He takes my hand with a hesitant smile on his and sits next to me. Mumbles out, “What are your expectations of me?” He looks so nervous.

“Well just to get it out of the way, I’m not expecting sexual affection at all, I find you very attractive and would love to but it's not expected. If you are ever ok with moving forward with that then we can talk about it. If we do decide to be together I expect us to be monogamous. Other than that we could see how things go,” I respond. 

“What are your expectations? I ask 

“Well those sound good to me,” he says. I can tell he has a question, waiting a few seconds for him to ask.

“Are you sure you love me because I don’t deserve love and will never be loved? You must be confused.” He whispers avoiding eye contact.

_That demon is going to suffer, I will not lose this man because of some disgusting monster._

“Dean, can you look up at me?” I ask as I squeeze his hand in encouragement.

“I understand you won’t believe me when I say I love you so how about this. Trust me, I know what I’m feeling and give me a chance to prove it. If after the sessions you still don’t believe me then I'll back off. For now, we can just enjoy spending time together. Since the word, “Love” has been tainted, for now, this is how I feel about you.” I concentrate on all my feeling for him as I tell him. “Dean I am fond of you and deeply devoted to you. I feel adoration, passion, kindness, infatuation, desire, attachment, endearment, warmth, yearning, friendship, tenderness, and lust all for you, and you alone. You are my first thought anytime I have something I want to tell someone. I think of you anytime I see someone laugh, your humor. You're the person I want to spend my days and nights cuddling. Sitting watching T.V. with you makes me so happy, just to be near you. Seeing you laugh is like air to me, seeing you cry tears me up inside. You hurting makes me want to kill every person that has ever hurt you. Only you causes my body to shudder at every touch, heart to race when you enter the room and feel desire when I look at you. I feel safe, free and loved with you.”

I kinda got lost in my speech I guess you could call it. Dean is covering his face hunched over, body shaking. “Dean are you ok?” He uncovers his face looks up at me tears falling down his face.

_Oh no I made him cry, what did I say wrong, wait he is smiling._

“Am I ok? I’m amazing, I haven’t felt this happy in a long time. I could feel all of that coming off of you in waves crashing over me, and covering me in a warm blanket soaking in deep inside me. I can still feel it” He responds smiling, laughing and stuttering. It's so cute.

“That's because I still feel it, so you do also,” I respond laughing with him.

“Can I hug you?” I ask, right as the words leave my mouth he is on me wrapping his arms around me.

“So really not too much changes with us now except we know?” He asks.

“Correct, other than being aware everything stays the same as long as you need,” I reply.

We both missed dinner, I don’t need to eat but I enjoy spending time with Dean. We head to the kitchen, Sam is sitting at the table. Dean looks at him smiling says, “So stalking sneaking around others bedrooms are you now?”

Sam coughs the sip of his beer he was drinking down, “What no. We happened to be in the hallway.”

“Sure you were,” Dean laughs out.

Sam looks from me back to Dean and back to me again asking, “So, everything good?”

All he gets from Dean is a nod so I follow his response, Sam frowns. I think he was looking for more info. I’ll leave that up to Dean, for now, this is too new and I don’t want to scare him away.

Dean turns to me gives me an odd look then says, “You won’t scare me away, I have no problem with others knowing. I was just messing with Sammy.”

“It’s Sam,” Sam tries to proclaim to Dean.

Dean waves his hand in the air, “yeah, yeah.”

Looking directly at Sam’s face Dean tell him, “We are dating now.” Sam smiles nods and replies, “Good, about time.” Then leaves the room

Dean turns to me a surprised look on his face, “Do you think he knew before?”

We both look towards the door as we hear Sam laughing from the hall. Both turned to look at each other now we are both surprised.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Sam P.O.V

 

I wouldn’t say everything is better, there are still moments of crying, anger, sadness, and panic. That’s only marginally better but in between those events, we get to see Dean and Cas begin a relationship neither knew they were already in before. Not much has changed, they sit together, hold hands whisper to each other. What’s different is the way they look at each other now that they don’t have to sneak glances at each other.

Their bond must be getting much stronger, a lot of the time they don’t even have to speak out loud. Confuses Kevin and me when one responds to the others unspoken thoughts. Both attuned to the others feelings, it's clearly visible when one is feeling the emotions of the other. I've seen them sit in silence passing emotions back and forth several times, at first I was completely lost till they explained what they were doing.

We all know today will be difficult, today will be the first memory that includes the other men or rather demons that raped Dean. Normally Dean and Cas don’t say much about the sessions but they both thought it would be smart to tell us. The “Anger room” is stocked, we’ve added this punching bag that looks like a man. Also a few inflatable punching bags, the ones that sway.

Breakfast this morning was quiet, everyone deep in thought. Me personally I was trying to plan ahead for any possible reactions Dean and Cas may have. I don’t know about the rest of them. I doubt they were happy thoughts, Dean already had a panic attack earlier telling us what memory they are going to today. Took an hour to calm him down, I suggested they postpone it but Dean refused. He said each session exposes more lies that lifts a weight off of him. He doesn’t want to wait in case there are more lies he is not aware of. Of course, the rest of us know there are but arguing will not help, pointing out specific lies only upsets Dean.  

 

Dean P.O.V

 

“Are you sure you want to do this now?” Cas asks me gently.

Taking a deep breath I respond, “Yes, It's time, I'm ready.”

“Ok, remember any time you want to leave the memory just let go of my hand,” He says as he squeezes my hand. I watch him as he says the spell until my eyes close.

Opening my eyes, I’m in my correct position doing my repeat. I can’t see Cas but I can feel him holding my hand behind me. I can feel he is nervous, so I send him trust and courage. He must have gotten it cause he squeezed my hand.

“Okay, Dean it's, “Truth time. You excited?” I shake my head.

I hate, “Truth time” so does Cas, Cas has learned quite a few new swear words the last few weeks.

“Dean stay there but turn your body facing me,” turning I can see Cas’s face. I can’t make eye contact or smile but he knows I see him. Cas is kneeling in front of me his hands caressing my shoulders, back of my neck, gliding over my hair. If I could I would close my eyes. 

 **“Focus on the feel of my hands, I’m here, I won’t leave. He is going to lie to you some more, listen to my words.”**  

Cas moves closer to me, fingertips gliding over my skin. My shoulders, cheeks, chest, and neck gentle touching, feels amazing. The smallest amount of sexual desire flows into me from Cas.

**“That was not my intention, I’m touching you to comfort you not to pleasure myself.”**

I know that already, he has never pressured me.

“Today’s ‘Truth time,’ will be short, just listen to my words no time for you to copy them back to me, we have plans.” Just hearing those words scares me.

_“Plans,” that’s never good._

**“Focus on me and the feel of my hands on yours. Allow my feelings to hold you up.”**

“Dean you are stupid, ugly, no one loves you and never will. Every person around you dies or leaves. They all want to get away from you. So many people have died because of your failures. Take a second to picture all the people that have died because of you.”

**“Dean, you are not stupid or ugly. I love you, many people love you. You have a support system that cares for you, none of us are going to leave you. Everyone doesn’t die, you have Sam, Me and Kevin. That’s not counting the many friends, Jody, Donna, Garth, Charlie, and Claire. You are not to blame for any of those deaths, you have saved hundreds of lives just hunting. Stopping Armageddon you saved millions of lives. You didn’t fail, you did everything you could and you saved everyone you could.”**

Faces flash through my mind, so many people I cared about. So many I didn’t save from monsters. Cas is miserable not only does his face show it but I can feel it, I send him love and appreciation.

_“All those people are dead because of me, if only I were smarter or stronger they would be alive.”_

My chest aches, all those people are dead because of me. I usually avoid thinking of all the dead people I didn’t save. Filled with sorrow, my body is shaking as I’m trying to contain my pain before I start sobbing again. The feelings of guilt for their deaths has been here long before Sir took me.

**“That is a lie, you are not responsible for those lost lives. You are already smart and strong. There was no way to save them all, you’re not God.”**

“You will never find anyone that wants you for more than a fuck. All you are is a mouth and ass, nothing else good about you.”

**“Dean I love you, not for a fuck, I love you for who you are. A man that can make anyone laugh, and jumps in to save others with no regard for yourself. You are compassionate, caring, and thoughtful. You are smart, strong, stubborn, sexy all the best S’s. I love spending time with you, that has nothing to do with your body.”**

“Everyone is disgusted by you, they just hid it or lie to you.”  

**"No one is disgusted by you, he is lying to you. We are telling the truth.”**

“You are weak, look at you a monster hunter fucked several times a day by a demon. Always crying, whining and screaming showing just how weak you really are.”

**“You are not weak, he is, he has to use a spell to control you. Crying and screaming are the correct responses to the abuse he is putting you through. It's expected to cry and scream when in pain, physical or emotional. There is nothing weak about crying or screaming. I do not enjoy your crying, at the same time I see you as a brave man anytime you do.”**

“Begging to be fucked then crying about it. Your whoreish body coming when fucked by a demon that proves how dirty you are. Only dirty whores cum when they don’t want it.”

**“He is forcing you to beg, you don’t really want his body in anyway. Your body was created to orgasm from stimulation. The nerve endings that send signals to your brain that causes an orgasm don’t know the difference between wanted and unwanted touch. Everyone can and will cum from stimulation no matter if they want to or not. You are not whoreish. You are not dirty, he is disgusting.”**

By the time he is done, I feel broken, miserable, guilty, and weak. What is the point fighting against him all it does is earn me a beating or fuck. I can’t hold on much longer, every day more of my desire to fight leaves me.

“Alright Dean as I said we have plans so get up. Go into the bathroom clean yourself up, you have thirty minutes.”  

I get up walk towards the bathroom. 

“Dean hurry up.”

Picking up the pace I jog to the bathroom. The hot water feels nice on all my sore muscles. Most of my body aches, mostly my knees right now from kneeling for so many hours. I quickly finish washing up as to not give him a reason to come in here. The last time he came in here was not good, I felt dirtier leaving the bathroom then when I went in. I thought for sure I still had time left that time.

**“Dean don’t give up, you are strong. You will be free again, feel my hand in yours, feel the love, respect I'm sending you.”**

Leaving the towel in the bathroom I go back out. Walking towards the ladder he calls me back. “No Dean for right now you are staying down here.”

Odd usually we go up to the living room or bedrooms. I turn and sit in my corner, at least this corner has a blanket. Cas is sitting next to me holding my hand.

“Dean don’t speak, today you have an audition.” My body starts to tense up, this won’t be good. Cas squeezes my hand, moving in front of me.

“Remember when you gave me that great idea of selling your mouth and ass. Well, this is your chance to prove your idea was a good one.”

**“That wasn’t your idea, that was his. He is sick!”**

_Wait that wasn’t my idea, that was yours._  

I start shaking my head, he says, “Aw don’t want to take credit in case it goes poorly. How about this if it goes poorly it was your idea if it goes well it was my idea. Feel better?”

**“It wasn’t your idea either way.”**

Shaking my head repeatedly, he ignores me. A strong burst of anger flows into me, Cas is shaking with an angry frown on his face.

“Today when they get here you will do everything they say just as you would for me.”

**“You never have to do anything they tell you to do.”**

_THEY!_

My eyes widen and my hearts beating out of my chest. Cas’s hand is placed on my chest over my heart, two fingers tapping. A physical way we have for telling the other they are loved, and not alone.

_NO, no please someone get here soon get me out of here._

“Stay here, and wait for me, keep quiet.”

Several minutes or hours go by I can’t tell but it doesn’t feel like enough time I hear footsteps coming towards me. Pushing my back as close to the corner as I can with my knees up, I try to hide.

“Dean look up and give our guests a smile.” My head lifts up and a smile forms on my face out of my control.

Keeping my eyes closed, I don’t know who says what. I know Sir’s voice so that’s one that I do know, I don’t really want to know the others either.

“He looks scared, I like them scared. Does he cry and beg?”

“Yes, He will do, and say whatever you want him to,” Sir responds.

“I like them to cry on their own.”

“Hurt him enough, and he will cry, and scream, beg you to stop,” Sir answers.

“Nice, I think I'll try a ride.”

“Alright, and you two what are you looking for?” Sir, asks.

The longer I listen to them talk about me as If I’m a horse they are purchasing my body shakes more. Trying to focus on Cas’s fingers tapping my chest, he won’t leave me here alone.

“It's hard to tell if he has what I want, all folded up like that.”

“Dean stand up, spin around slowly for them.” Sir orders.

I get up and start turning for them to see all of me. Like some kind of animal.

“Um, not sure can you have him bend over to show off the goods?”

“Dean face the wall and bend over show them what you have to offer,” Sir orders.

This is so degrading.

I turn around and bend over hands on my knees. 

Shame overwhelms me, never have I felt this dirty and worthless.

“Dean Shake your ass for them,” Sir instructs me.

Laughter is their response. I’m so embarrassed, and I feel even dirtier than a minute ago.

“How deep can he take a cock in his throat?”

“Dean turn around kneel, open your mouth, no biting,” Sir commands me.

As my body is moving following his orders all I can think is please don’t do this. Nothing I say or do will stop him. I hear him opening his pants, I’ve heard it so many times I’ll always know that sound. He grabs my hair, shoving himself down my throat, no time to get used to the size just right down deep. I gag and my eyes water. His other hand goes under my chin angeling my head up more so he can push farther in.

“That's it Dean take it deep, show them how long you can go with my cock deep,” Sir tells me.

In an attempt to not throw up I start swallowing around him. 

“Fuck, you keep swallowing like that you're going to get a throat full of cum. See he is a natural cock sucker,” Sir moans out. While he is pushing, and grinding into my face.

**“Dean if you ever choose to provide anyone male or female oral pleasure, there is nothing to be ashamed of no matter what your skill level is.”**

One of the voices is closer now, “Wow look at all the cock that whore can take, I’m definitely taking a turn.”

**“You are not a whore no matter how much cock you can handle in you at once.”**

Right before I feel like I’m going to pass out, Sir pulls out pushes me over to the wall. I lay there gasping fighting to breathe, my throat on fire.

**“Shush I’m here, you will see home again. You will be in my arms. I won’t leave you.”**

“Alright, I’ve seen enough to know I’ve got to at least test ride this one. Does it have to be down here, I don’t want to kneel on concrete the whole time?”

“Nope, he will go wherever you tell him to. There are some rules though. No permanent injury, no broken bones or open wounds that could get infected. Gotta keep the stock healthy enough. No ordering or even suggesting that he’s enjoying himself. You can ask him if he is enjoying himself If he ever nods let me know. Be Careful how you word everything, he will only do what you tell him to. So if you forget to tell him not to bite and your dick gets bitten that’s your fault. He would be punished of course but he can be a feisty one even with the threat of punishment over him. Every statement you tell him he will believe so say nothing positive about him or and I say this again because it's important. Do not tell him he is enjoying or needs anything. Ruins the fun if he is having fun too. Do you all agree to these terms?”

Cas is up on his feet threatening all of them yelling curses. Some of his curses don’t make sense but that’s not the point. My eyes are closed, some may be nodding I hear someone agree out loud maybe one didn’t like the terms. I can only hope. 

“Dean go upstairs with them,” Sir orders.

I get up and head for the ladder, someone slaps my ass as I walk by. I turn to hit whoever it is, but Sir stops me first. Every step brings pain, my body is bruised, with scraped ripped open skin.

“Dean no hitting the guests, and no fighting back. Unless they order you to,” Sir says with a big smile on his face. 

Upstairs one of them is not wasting time. He punches my face when I hit the floor he grabs my wrists pulls my arms behind my back. Pushes me down yelling at me, “Keep that ass up for me.”

Then slams in me, I scream out, “No please stop, please hurts,” whimpering, tears already coming out. The man behind me starts roughly fucking me so hard my knees are scraping along the floor pushing me closer to the wall. I’m not able to focus on anything but the pain, at some point my hands are free. Someone lifts my head causing me to use my hands holding my upper body up. A dick is forced in my mouth while someone growls out at me, “No biting,” before I’m able to bite down. There is something wet touching my cock.

_Is one of them sucking me off? No please stop._

Trying to yell out "Stop," to the man sucking my cock causes the man in my mouth to grunt, and push farther in until I can’t make any sound other the choking. I lift one of my hands trying to push him back until I’m ordered to put my hand back down.

Hands touching, grabbing, pinching all over, I can’t tell who’s hand is who’s except Cas’s. I know the feel of his hands, they are gentle, caressing my hand. I can’t see him but I can feel him. Devastated, angry, and sad a pain I can feel deep inside that is not mine.

 **“Dean focus on the sound of my voice, feel of my hand on yours. I know it's hard to concentrate on anything. Too much going on at once, keep listening to me. Remember I love you, I respect you. I enjoy spending time with you. Think of all the times laying next to each other holding hands telling each other jokes. Well, you** **telling me jokes then having to explain them to me. Think of the times we’ve laid there listening to music. Remember that time you sent me humor and I started laughing at the kitchen table. Sam and Kevin were confused, it was so funny.”**

Focusing on Cas is much harder this time, three of them on me is overloading my senses too many touches, smells, grunts, moaning all at once. I’m feeling light-headed, someone yells out, “Hey don't make him pass out.” The cock in my mouth comes out some allowing me to take breaths around it. Gasping for air begging for them to stop comes out garbled with him still in my mouth. Until he picks up speed again preventing me from getting any sounds much less any words out.

It feels like the one behind me is scratching my back ripping my skin. Burning, stinging, pain everywhere. The one behind me thrust in once more before coming in me. My head clears some with a little less pain, now I can feel my body reacting to the mouth on it. The familiar build up that leads to a orgasm is right at the edge.

_Oh God please no, not to this._

My body trembles until I cum in the mouth of the one under me, as I moan the one in my mouth finishes orders me to swallow it. I drop to the floor when they let me go. I feel dizzy, I may throw up. Gasping for air, heart beating wildly, hurts to breath. The fiery pain throughout my body is overwhelming me. Unable to stop myself from sobbing, I can't get up there is no need to order me to stay down. I know I’m bleeding, I can feel the wetness going down my legs.

That's when I hear an odd sound, opening my eyes a crack. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a camera. Sir has a grin on his face then walks away as if he didn’t just document my shame forever. Cas is laying next to me caressing my face, saying amazing things about me. Silently crying, I open my eyes to see Cas also has tears on his face.

Their talking behind me, one is saying how he will be back for the actual purchase. The other two agree they will see if any of their friends are interested. 

One of them asks, “So how did you tame the famous Dean Winchester?”

“Oh that’s a secret,” Sir replies

I try to say the word spell, but it comes out as a whisper. When I try again Sir yells at me to shut up before kicking me.

“Don’t go thinking you’re done, there is still someone here that didn’t cum and there is always me,” Sir orders.

The other man says, “Roll over I prefer face to face." 

**“Dean I’m going to let go of your hand, it's a good time to take a break.”**

 

Cas P.O.V

 

Usually right after a session Dean cry’s, today his reaction is much different. As soon as I open my eyes he is jumping off the bed, pacing the room. Muttering insults and threats, arms shaking and fists clenched. I go to him, open the door gently pull him down the hallway.

Opening the door to the “Anger room” and stepping out of the way. Dean breaks all the chairs throwing them across the room hitting the walls. Yelling insults, random curse words and some wordless screaming. The tables he smashes on the walls, the floor is covered in broken wooden pieces that use to be furniture. After all the furniture is broken he moves over to the inflatable punching bags. When he gets to the hanging punching bag he hits it a few times before he starts sobbing. He falls to the floor repeating, “Why?” I rush to him. Taking him in my arms whispering calming words to him. Humming songs I’ve known for centuries, someday I’ll teach them to Dean.

“I’ve got you, it’s ok get it all out,” I softly say in his ear.

“Cas how.. How can you be ok touching me after seeing that?” Dean stutters out.

Shaking my head telling Dean, “Easily, you did nothing wrong, what they did does not reflect on you at all.

Dean turns his head looking at the floor whispering, “But I’m dirty, disgusting they ruined me.”

“Aw Dean, no you are not Dirty or disgusting, I can see your soul. Your soul shows who you are, and reflects your deeds. Yours is bright white unblemished and beautiful, an evil soul has black in it. That’s why demons smoke out black smoke, their soul is completely evil, dirty.”

“You are not ruined, every day that you keep going. Every day that you allow yourself to enjoy life, spend time with loved ones. Laugh with friends, cook amazing food, watch the stars with a loved one. You are fighting back every day just living. You are not ruined, you are defeating all the traps he placed down for you to fall. Every day we make it through more of your memories we are deactivating another trap. You are not losing this battle you are demolishing the war.” He nods but doesn’t respond.

“Are you ready to get up?” I ask

“Um sure,” Dean responds while wiping his face with his shirt sleeve.  

I help him up and hold him till I know he is steady on his feet. “Do you want to eat or go watch some T.V? What would you like to do?” I ask him.

“Can we spend some time with the others?” he asks timidly

“Of course we can,” I reply as I lift his chin to look him in the face. He tends to look down a lot, not meeting eyes. The rest of the night we spend with Sam and Kevin watching movies. I watch them all laughing, enjoying the view. I laugh sometimes, but I don’t get most of the references. Later that night Dean, and I went outside to look at the stars. I never use to look at them or even notice them. Dean makes them seem interesting, he enjoys looking at them. We sat in silence, no words are necessary. Just laying there holding Dean’s hand is enough for me. That night I hold Dean while he slept till morning, humming different songs to him. Humming seems to calm him.

 

Sam P.O.V

 

Dean’s been home for two months now, he is better than when he first got home. Not back to his old self, but I see bits and pieces of him showing sometimes. Lately, he has been standing taller looking more confident. He doesn't criticize the amount he eats anymore, and no more fat comments. Guessing Dean and Cas got through the last memories that Dean was told he was fat. One hurdle down, way too many left.

Cas and Dean have reached month four of the memories. I don’t think he will be all better even after all the memory sessions. I've been considering suggesting a therapist to Dean, he will hate the idea. I’m not sure if finding a therapist with knowledge of the supernatural is even possible. Calling contacts is out of the question, Dean would not want any of them knowing what happened.

If anyone asks Dean what happened he will tell them all because that monster told him he wants to tell anyone that asks everything. Maybe after the session calling contacts will be ok since Dean won’t be forced to reveal anything he doesn’t want to. I try not to ask too many questions now that I know Dean will tell me anything I ask, all because of that lie. If he wants to share anything after the sessions that’s fine.

Dean has stopped asking permission for everything. He hasn’t needed to be reminded that he doesn’t have to follow those rules for a while now. He continues to have panic attacks and flashbacks, we all know the signs now. Most of the time we can calm him down before he hyperventilates. Avoiding his triggers has gotten easier with less and less accidental triggering every week.

Seeing him laugh, and joke around more gives me hope we will get through this. Then when Dean is ready all of us will go demon hunting. I know Dean will want to get revenge on them, and that witch, he is not alone.

I don’t know much about Dean, and Cas’s relationship. They keep most of their affection to themselves, I’m assuming. The most I've seen them do is hold hands and cuddle. Just don’t tell Dean it's cuddling he doesn't like calling it that. He says they are just sitting close together. If their relationship is sexual at all I have no idea, I’m not surprised there are no obvious signs. I don’t think my brother is much for P.D.A He may not say with words how he feels in front of us, but it's easy to see with the looks, innocent touches they share.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning suicide attempt

 

Dean P.O.V

 

Laying here with Cas listening to music is my idea of an awesome time. It's three in the morning, I should be asleep but I’m having too much fun talking with Cas. He knows so much about well everything, so much history of the world. Most don't know but I’ve always enjoyed history, I love stories and that is stories to me. Listening to him speak watching his lips while he is talking is distracting. Those plump wet pink lips that I have fantasies kissing, licking, nibbling so many times. It's in my head all the time lately, I want so badly to kiss him. I haven't tried or even suggested it, what if he says no. We haven’t moved past holding hands innocent touches, I tend to panic thinking about it. Not that Cas is unattractive at all. Thinking about anything sexual triggers flashes of images from the kidnapping.

Kissing is different though, none of those demons ever kissed me. I’ve been staring at his mouth for a while now forcing myself to control myself. He has never pressured me or even mentioned it. What if he isn't interested in me that way, I mean how could he be after what was done to me. I have felt sexual attraction come from him before though so maybe he could be interested.

_Oh God, he just licked them._

“Dean are you ok, you just groaned are you hurt?” Cas questions me.

_Aw come on, making sexual noises yeah that's one way to hide your thoughts. Great good job!_

 “Oh um, Yeah I’m ok I’m just tired,” I respond.

 “Dean you do realize because of this bond I can tell when you lie, and I can feel what your feeling,” Cas responds.

_Shit!_

Stuttering out, “It's nothing really, I was just thinking about you.”

“What were you thinking about?” Cas asks me.

_Seriously. Ok gonna have to just get this over with, he will reject me and then I’ll... well I don’t know what I’ll do._

Mumbling out, “Well I was just thinking about your lips and um kissing you,” Squeezing my eyes shut I can’t bear to see the disgust on his face.

A warm hand caressing my cheek encourages me to open my eyes. When I do I see the warmest, loving smile on Cas’s face. “Dean I would love to kiss you, believe me, you're not the only one thinking about it. Are you sure you're ready for that?” Cas always thinking of my needs asks me.

“I’d like to try it,” I respond blushing.

“Ok do you need anything to make you feel more comfortable?” Cas inquires.

“I don’t think so.”

We both smile, leaning closer, both of us don’t know what to do with our hands fumbling around like some teenager. This is awkward, with several tries and both of us hesitating on where to place our hands. Who tilts their head which way we both start laughing.

“This is awkward,” I announce.

“Is it usually?” Cas asks me.

“No, not usually but normally it's not agreed upon right before, it will just happen.”

“Well, we could wait, and do it spur of the moment when it feels like the right moment if that's ok with you?”

_Always so accommodating for me._

_Aw, fuck it._

I can’t take it any longer, I just need to. Before I chicken out I lean forward placing my lips on his. His lips are just as soft as I thought they would be, after a second he starts kissing me back pressing his lips against mine. I reach out comb my hands through his hair, his hands cradle my cheeks. My body is tingling, it's getting hot in here my heart is racing. I lick his lips wanting to taste him when he opens his mouth I flick my tongue against his slightly. We both groan, wanting more I stroke his tongue with mine. My breathing quickens I wrap my arm around his waist, pull him closer to me. My body pressed against his shoots pleasure down my body. His body shivers than presses against mine causing a gasp to come out. Needing to breathe I pull my lips away, place my forehead against his. His lips are swollen, face red, hair disheveled and pupils dilated.

Beautiful.

“Wow!” I say out of breath.

Huffing Cas Ask, “Is it always this good?”

“No It gets better,” I respond, his eyes widen.

Fog clearing from my head I notice the bond rope between us is much brighter than before. My mouth drops open in surprise, it is not transparent anymore at all. Cas most likely knowing what I’m reacting to tells me.

“The kiss strengthened the bond to a next level.”

“What does that mean for us?” I ask.

“It's possible that we will be able to feel each other's physical feelings too and sense where each other are. Resembling a tracker, follow the pull.”

“Ok, well that’s kinda cool right?”

“It could be helpful if needed, it will definitely be interesting,” he responds.

“So when I kiss you I’ll feel what I’m feeling, and what your feeling at the same time multiplying it?”

“Yes, that is possible, we will have to test that out periodically.”

“Wow a saucy comment from you, nice I like it,” I tell him with a smirk causing him to blush. He is so cute.  

That night I dream of kissing Cas instead of the normal nightmares that have haunted me every night since I’ve been home.

 

Month five of the memories, only one more month left. Cas’s says we should be done within the next 20 days. Sometimes it feels like I’m still there, I can hear them and smell them. Something will remind me and then something Sam called a trigger will happen. Either flashes of images will cross my mind or it feels as if it's happening again, seems so real. I’ve been doing some of my own research, several sites say I have PTSD. I don’t want to believe that something is wrong with me, but also having answers to my reactions validates me. I don’t feel like such a freak when I tell myself it's just PTSD that is causing the reactions I’ve been having. All the sites say to find a therapist for counseling. That’s not possible, what therapist won’t lock me up when I say a bunch of demons forced me to do awful things and used a spell from a witch. I never thought I would ever even consider seeing a therapist. Hunters just don’t do that, we drink or kill monsters to deal with issues.

It’s been almost 10 months since I last hunted, I hate to admit it but I’m not able to start again yet. None of the others have suggested any hunts. I don’t know if they are looking, and sending contacts or just stopped looking.

Nightmares wake me up often, Cas is always there holding me. I don’t think I’ve cried as much these last 10 months than my whole life. I never use to cry so much, hell when someone died maybe a few tears. Now I cry several times a day, not a few tears but full sobbing. At first, I was ashamed, everyone seeing me act that way but none of them have said any negative comments.

Cas and I have spent more time kissing, he lets me decide when. I have thought of going further several times. I’m worried if I attempt to do more I might start to panic, and ruin the mood. I want my memories of those things with Cas to have no influence from the kidnapping. While in the moment my body is on fire, wants to move forward then the doubts and fear interrupt my bodies desires. I expected my body to react negatively to any sexual contact or touching but it hasn’t. When I think about any sexual contact that’s when my body becomes rigid, then my stomach clenches threatening to throw up. I don’t understand it, maybe some therapist would, but since I don’t have one I’m stuck wanting physically what my body doesn’t want mentally.  

Several more lies have been uncovered. I’m not actually stupid or worthless and not ugly. That spell is powerful because before I had no doubts I was stupid, worthless, and ugly but now I have no doubts that I’m not any of those. Actually, I feel better about myself about those issues then before the kidnapping. Before there were times I thought those were true. Going through these memories is actually giving me more confidence than I had before them. Cas says after we are done I’ll never have to worry about thinking negatively about myself again. He says that after I will have a clear picture of who I really am.

  
Dean P.O.V

  
Becoming aware of my surrounding I’m standing in front of the bathroom mirror. Cas is standing next to me. I’m wearing the shirt I earned today selling my dignity. Last night was so cold, all day I’ve been shivering. Being the weak man I am I ask to earn the shirt. Talking dirty to them makes me sick, it's embarrassing and I’m ashamed to admit I’ll most likely do it again for a day of warmth.

Looking at myself in the mirror talking to the person in the mirror.

“Disgusting, you deserve all of it. Whoring yourself out for a shirt, weak, worthless pathetic excuse for a man.”

**“You did not whore yourself out for a shirt. You did what you had to in order to survive. Your not disgusting or weak, pathetic and you are not worthless. In no way did you then or ever deserve to be treated this way.”**

_No one is ever coming for me, they haven’t found me yet they never will. Sir could decide he is done with me tomorrow or years from now. Years of this, I can’t do it I won’t do it. There is no way out of this, I can’t leave, no one knows where I am. I can’t get a message out, there is nothing I can do. The only way I’m getting out of this is dead. Oh... wait dead that’s an idea, I’ve never considered it before but that is the only way out. Even hell was better than this, and If I happen to go to heaven how could that be bad._

Looking around for something to kill myself with. There is nothing, no razors or knives no medication. There is the mirror but as soon as it's broken Sir will hear the glass breaking. I’m running out of time before he comes to get me, most likely to either beat me or for someone to fuck me again.

**“Dean you are not stuck here, we get you back. This is not your only option.”**

_Oh God no I can’t anymore._

Frantically I search for anything, there is nothing. Angry my fists clenched, just as I’m about to hit a wall it comes to me. Locking the door quickly I get in the shower back to the wall then start hitting my head. The first few hits hurt but are not enough damage fast enough. Building up the courage to hit harder I close my eyes lean forward throwing my head back. The pain is excruciating, my head is throbbing one more time, my vision is getting blurry blood dripping down my back.

Cas is standing in front of me watching as I’m trying to kill myself. I can’t stop my past self or I would save Cas from watching this. He places his hand on my heart two fingers tapping my chest. Through his sobbing he is talking to me, trying to reassure me I will see him again. Past me can’t hear him but at least the second memory of this I won’t have the feeling of despair that I did in the first memory.

**“Oh Dean I’m sorry we didn’t find you sooner, I’m here now. You do get home. It won’t be much longer. You have a life of love and happiness awaiting you.”**

Leaning forward for what hopefully will be the last death blow, suddenly the door flies open, quickly I start throwing my head back again.

Stopping as soon as Sir yells, “Stop.”

_NO no why so close, never getting out of here. I could try again just need to plan better._

“Dean do not try to hurt or kill yourself again,” he orders me. He looks really mad.

_Please don’t say that now my only way out is gone. He is going to punish me now._

“Get out of the shower, you won’t be needing it for a week. Bad behavior can not go unpunished. No showers for the next week since you can’t behave in them,” he says before walking away.

_I’m stuck, I’m stuck never getting away._

My knees buckle not able to hold me up anymore, dropping to the floor. My Heart is racing, a cold sweat covering my body. Laying on the floor curling into a ball. I do the only thing left I can do, I cry for what feels like hours.

_I’ll never get out, I’m going to die here. Hopefully, it is sooner rather than later._

Cas sits next to me, stroking my hair. Telling me how much he cares for me. How important I am to him and the others.

**“We need you, Sam needs you, Kevin needs you and I need you. Now that I’ve experienced what it feels like to have your love. To have you holding me, listening to you laugh. Watching the bravest man I know fighting his most difficult battle and winning. I can’t ever go back to before you. I need you, you can’t leave me. I want to be with you forever.”**

My head is throbbing the back stings, reaching back touching the back of my head my hand gets bloody. I unroll some toilet paper into thick bandages and hold it up to my head. Causing me to hiss as I put pressure to stop the bleeding. I feel dizzy and nauseous when I start throwing up I realize I have a concussion. Cas is comforting me, rubbing his hand on my back. Massaging my neck, it won’t really get rid of any tension but It feels good to current me.

I hope I get a few hours with no one beating or fucking me. I never get a break, they only let me sleep for a few hours at a time. That’s it I’m done with fighting, I’ve lost there is no victory to be had for me. He’s officially won, I’m nothing more than a puppet now while he pulls the strings.

One hour that’s all I get before I’m disturbed, one of them enters the bathroom. Pushes me against the bathroom wall, starts fucking me holding my face against the wall. He doesn’t seem to mind the blood still dripping down the back of my neck. I don’t scream or cry, I don’t feel anything just numbness. My mind clears, leaves my body floats up, I’m watching that demon fucking me from the ceiling. I hope I’m dying all the other times I've left my body I died. Looking around I don’t see a reaper, just my luck. The demon is trying to get a reaction from me, hitting me, pulling my hair, even biting me. He may as well be fucking a doll.

  
Cas P.O.V.

 

We are almost done with the memories, I don’t know how many lies are left. I do know we corrected almost all now. In addition to removing those false beliefs forced on Dean, we also improved on his previous self-image from before that. Because of the spell everything I tell him he believes so now he has no doubts he is every bit the amazing man I see him as. He will never doubt Sam’s or My love for him again. He will never blame himself for the deaths of family, friends, and monster victims from his past. He will never feel he has to hide his feeling, crying to pain emotional or physical is normal, expected and completely acceptable. He now won't hesitate to ask for help anytime he needs it. That demon won the first battle but now Dean is a more confident and determined hunter. The war will be Dean’s bitch, as he called it.

We are doing one of our favorite things to do, listen to music laying on his bed. Sometimes it turns into kissing I definitely enjoy that. I will not pressure him to go farther but that doesn't mean I don’t think about it often, how could I not.

He felt my sexual desire for him again. It's not possible to hide it from him.

“Hey someone's feeling naughty over there,” Dean says seductively.

That just makes my heart beat faster.

Gulping I stutter out, “Yes, I’m experiencing sexual desire.”

“Let's see what I can do to help with that,” he says before he slides closer to me pressing his lips on mine.

_So good, this isn’t going to help my problem._

He laughs. His lips move off my lips to my neck, this is new. I should ask if he is sure he’s ready to do that, but I can’t breathe or think. I've never felt anything like this. “Ahh please.” I don’t know what I’m asking for. He continues kissing my throat to my ear when his teeth graze my earlobe. “Oh, Shit,” comes out as a shout. He looks up at me smirking, so sexy there is nothing that could make me tell him to stop now, except him. Licking down my neck he removes my tie without me even noticing. I hope he is not pushing himself, I’m about to ask till he starts kissing and nibbling my collarbone.

Before I know it my shirt is unbuttoned undershirt pushed up he is fast. Kissing, and licking my chest when he licks my nipple my pelvic thrust up into him without my permission. My breathing picks up, waves of pleasure shooting to my penis. He moves to the other nipple then he moves so he is lying completely on top of me. Kissing, licking back up my chest, rubbing his pelvis onto mine the whole time. A moan comes out when I feel his penis, he is exceptionally hard.

I’m not going to last long considering I’m feeling my sexual pleasure along with his, I’m sure he is too. When he reaches my mouth grinding on me sticking his tongue in my mouth groaning that’s it for me no stopping it. Gripping his hips with both hands thrusting into him, my body trembling, gasping for air, sweating. My head goes back eyes open wide, body thrusting up stiffens, and shakes as a loud groan comes out before, I yell “Oh Fuck.” Dropping back down boneless huffing for breath. Dean’s head resting on my chest.

When I’m able to think, and not gasping for breath I check on Dean. “Are you ok?”

He smiles up at me, “Your kidding right, that was amazing!”

“I agree, I had no idea it would be that intense. Um I don’t know how to ask this, but what about you what I mean is your um needs,” I ask looking down blushing.

“Oh no worries there, I got mine too,” answering with a big grin on his face.

_And I missed it, I wanted to see his face if we ever did anything._

He places his palm on my cheek, “There will be plenty of times in the future.”

“Oh OH okay I understand,” I respond smiling. “You didn’t feel pressured to do that right?”

“Not at all, I don’t think I’m ready yet to go farther or take my clothes off but that was all completely my choice.”

“Good, very good.” I close my eyes running my fingers through his hair. A few minutes later Dean lifts his head.

“Your a loud one, nice!” He says wiggling his eyebrows.

My eyes widen, “What, wait do you think they heard me?” Dean laughs.

 


	12. Chapter 12

Dean P.O.V

 

Today will be the last memory if I make it through it all in one go. Not uncommon for one of us to need to leave a memory before the end. Memories only end when I slept and began when I wake up. So some days it was too hard to do a full day of memories at once. I’ll try though I really want to be done. I can’t imagine what I would have done without this. I’m assuming given up possibly killing myself. I had nothing, I was a shell that believed the worst about myself. I felt alone believing it wasn’t possible for me to be loved. Even though I wasn’t alone but I wouldn’t have believed that before. That demon didn’t want to just abuse me he wanted to take my future. He wanted me alive suffering, my family suffering, my friends to see me as weak. He failed, and he will learn it.

Cas asks, “You ready?”

“Yeah let's go destroy his work,” I answer. Cas smiles and nods then begin with the spell. As always I watch him as long as I can before my eyes close.

  

I’m in the basement, just finishing eating my, “lunch” as if there are other meals. I clean up after myself before going back to my corner. On the way there I stop and stare at the bathroom. I want to shower so badly, but Sir won't let me. If only I could do it anyway but I can’t my body won’t move if I try to. If I go in there to use the toilet that’s fine, but any thought about washing even my hands blocks me from entering the room. Instead, I resume moving to my corner, lay down and just stare at the wall. All I do anymore is stare at the wall. I can feel Cas behind me, stroking my hair, humming. I love when he hums, it's relaxing. This past body won’t feel the benefits but I do, these overlapping memories can be confusing sometimes.

Someone is coming down the ladder, my body begins trembling out of my control. I don’t bother rolling over to see who it is it doesn't really matter anymore. Less and less of his friends have been visiting me, only three this last week.

“Dean turnover, look at me,” Sir orders

I roll over not even looking at him in the eye, doesn’t matter if he wants me to look at him in the eye he will order me to. I can’t see all of Cas only his feet.

Sir says, “This will be our last time to enjoy each other's bodies. Sad really I'm going to miss fucking your slutty, dirty body.” Is he finally going to kill me I hope he doesn’t just leave me here to starve? 

**“Dean it's not sad this is the last time you “will enjoy each other’s bodies.” At no point did you ever enjoyed his body or any of the demons that came there. Your body is not dirty or slutty at all. He is lying to you.”**

This time he says, “Today is different today you desperately want to fuck me and enjoy it, get on your hands and knees.”

**“You do not or have you ever or will you ever desperately want to fuck him or enjoy fucking him. You enjoy consensual sexual acts.”**

_I need him, need him to fuck me right now._  

Quickly I position myself how he ordered, so excited to fuck him. 

**“You are not or will ever be excited to fuck him.”**

“You may speak now,” he says

“Sir can you please fuck me now I can't wait any longer I need it please,” I beg.

**“You don’t really want or need him, he is forcing you to believe that.”**

He laughs, “Anything for you baby.”

**“Baby is not a term of endearment coming from him. Nothing dirty about the word Baby.”**

He moves to me, pushes my face down so my cheek is on the floor. Gets behind me, starts putting fingers in me teasing me. Cas is laying on the ground next to me, cheek to the ground also looking at me.

_Why he never does this. It feels good enough that I’m moaning but it's not what I want._

“Please Sir don’t tease me I need you bad, I can’t wait,” I beg again.

**“The spell is forcing you to believe you need him bad and can’t wait, that’s a lie. Really you don’t need or want him in any way.”**

“Sounds like your enjoying it though,” he replies I can hear the smile in his voice. I groan impatiently. “Ok fine greedy bitch,” he says before he thrusts in me hard.

**“You're not really enjoying it, that's a lie. You are not a greedy bitch, you're a very generous man. You are a strong independent man, not a bitch.”**

“Oh, God so good!” I moan out. This has never felt good before. Cas moaned at the same time as me.

_{Is he enjoying watching this?}_

**“Dean I’m not enjoying watching this, I’m feeling what your feeling.”**

Cas tells me breathing hard, groaning along with me.

**“It is never good from him or anyone forcing you, using force or spell or threats or blackmail. Any situation you are forced to perform sexual acts is not enjoyable.”**

“Are you enjoying yourself?”

I reply, “Yes sir.”

**“You are not enjoying yourself at all. It's a lie.”**

He slaps my ass then says, “Oh yeah you are, a whore like you loves this.”

**“You are not a whore, many people enjoy that sexual act when it's consensual. Enjoying that act does not mean you are a whore or any other negative term.”**

Next, he orders me, “Dean fuck yourself on me, rock back push your ass back. Get my whole dick in you nice, and deep yeah just like that keep going. Now you're an active participant.”

**“NOT once have you been an active participant, every single thing since you got here has been forced. All the acts you did for a deal were forced too, they are not your fault either. You have nothing to be ashamed about for taking or not taking any of his deals. Nothing you did for the deals is your fault no shame attached to you from those acts or ‘choices,’ He is lying.”**

Feels so good, I’m out of breath gasping for air. My heart beating hard. Moaning loudly thrusting back repeatedly he says, “I love the sounds you make, you enjoy fucking my cock don't you?’ He asks. Cas is gasping and his body is shaking.

**“Never have you or will you ever enjoy fucking his cock. It’s disgusting and dirty.”**

“Yes, yes Sir I do,” I respond. Confusing, I’m enjoying this, but listening to him moaning and all his sounds sicken me.

“Dean call out my name loudly when you cum.” He orders.

**“You never have to call out his name when you cum and never want to.”**

Telling him in between breaths, “I don't know your name,” I reply. 

Grunting, and moaning he responds, “Quite right I didn't tell you, It's Xavier.”

Rocking back hard a few more times. My eyes roll in the back of my head, my legs start shaking then my whole body stiffens. Loudly I yell, “Arrg Xavier aw yes Xavier.” cuming all over the floor, and my stomach. Cas is trembling and breathing hard, I can see him fighting the feelings going through him.  

**“The spell is forcing you to respond this way, without it you never would desire or crave sexual acts of any kind with or from him.”**

He laughed between gasps till he slammed in one last time, froze holds me still yells out, “Dean, Oh yeah fuck yeah Dean.” He lets me go so I lay completely on the floor. Cas’s breathing has slowed down either he finished or he controlled it.

“There is a good reason I haven’t let you shower, I want you to be pretty for your special guest,” he tells me.

**“That is not a good reason, no one has the right to tell you when and if you can shower. You are the only person in charge of your body. Your always pretty, you don’t need dirt and or others bodily fluids on you to make you pretty.”**

_Oh ok then that’s ok, it's a good reason._

“Dean come over to the chains, time to be chained up again,” he orders me.

On my way there I can’t figure out what I did wrong to be in the chains. After he has me restrained he says, “Dean all the rules transfer to Sam now,  you will repeat and position for him, and anyone else that says position and repeat. Every time he enters the room you will greet him with your correct position and repeat for him. He will take over your punishments and if he chooses rewards. You may speak, Do you understand?”

**“There are no rules to transfer. Only you can decide what your actions, feelings, thoughts, desires, opinions, wants, and needs are. You never have to repeat that, ‘The all about Dean,’ phrase no matter what anyone says. You never have to get into the correct position, there is no correct position no matter what anyone says. Neither word has any power to decide your actions. Also, “Sing” does not mean you have to sing, “His favorite song,” ever. He lied that is not really his favorite song he said that to hurt you and put a negative emotion attached to your favorite song. There are no punishments or rewards, Sam will never try to punish you or take rewards. He doesn’t want them and doesn’t have the right to them either.”**

While nodding I say, “He won't do that, Sammy won't do that to me, he won't want to.”

“You are right he won’t ever want them no matter what you say or do.”

Sir brushes his hand down my back slaps my ass and tells me, “Awe I doubt he could pass up this dirty ass.” Grabbed, and squeezed my ass hard.

**“Your ass is not dirty at all, it's beautiful, sexy and perfectly shaped. He could, would, and will always pass up on your ass.”**

I shake my head repeatedly, “No no no he won't no he won't, you are wrong he won't.” Sir looks annoyed then yells, “Shut up, there is always the possibility he will want to.” Those words are repeating in my head, “Always the possibility.”

**“There is never a possibility, nothing will ever make him change his mind. Sam will never want rewards. You never have to give anyone rewards. Only you choose who you decide to perform any and all sexual acts with.”**

“Dean, you are now fixed, no longer broken, isn't that great? I'm quite proud of myself. So proud in fact, that you want to tell any person that asks everything I did for you including all the dirty fucking too,” I nod.

**“He didn’t help you with anything, everything he did was to hurt you. He enjoyed your pain, You never needed his help. You are not broken and never were, He didn't fix you because you were not broken. He has nothing to be proud about, he should be ashamed. If anyone asks what he did to you including the "fucking," you don’t have to tell anyone. Only you choose who you tell and how much. He lied to you the entire time you were here. Everything he said about you was and is a lie.”**

_That makes sense, of course, I want everyone to know I’m fixed now and who did what to fix me. Also, it makes sense I’d want everyone to know about the fucking._

Dean say, “Thank you for fixing me.” next he says, “Sam will be here soon so this is goodbye,”

**“You do not owe him an gratitude for anything, He didn't help you or fix you. You were not broken. Dean the word Rape is not a bad word, what the demons that came here and did to you was Rape. Nothing to be ashamed of calling their acts Rape. There is nothing to be ashamed about if you ever choose to tell someone you were Raped. None of what was done to you in this house is your fault, you are not to blame, you didn't cause it, you don’t and didn't deserve it, you didn’t choose any of it and you didn’t want or enjoy any of it. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you ever decide to get counseling or therapy or even if you need to take medication for any issues.”**

_Thank God, I get to see Sammy, and Cas again._

He injects something in my arm it feels like a pinch. Last I see before everything goes black is Sir breaking the angel wardings and leaving.

 

Sam P.O.V

 

“Every fucking word that dirty disgusting demon said was a lie the whole fucking time, He is going to die. Along with that witch and all his bitch ass demon friends,” Dean has been yelling. For an hour and a half, he has been yelling the same just in different variations each time. He completely destroyed the “Anger room,” all that’s survived is the hanging punching back, and man punching bag. All the furniture, inflatable punching bags, and walls are damaged or destroyed completely. He spent some time just screaming, no distinguishable words from what I could hear. We each joined him for a few minutes each, seeing him this way triggers our own anger. It's been about 4 hours since he came out of the last memory, and it doesn’t look like he will calm down anytime soon. Understandable he has every right, just running out of furniture no one minds being destroyed. I’d suggest the gun range but that may be bad. If only this was, “Star Trek,” we would have a holodeck so Dean can spend hours killing those demons.

In no way do I think this is all over, his recovery will still take time and work. Now to convince Dean it's ok to get help, cause that’s so easy. Now that the spell’s powers are deactivated I can try to call some very close trusted contacts. We don’t have to worry about Dean giving information he normally wouldn’t without the spell. Trying to find a supernatural therapist, won’t be easy. So far on my list of people to call is Jody, Donna, Charlie, and Garth. That’s the only people I can think of for now that Dean trusts enough with something like this. I won’t be doing anything until I speak to Dean first, and then I’ll follow his wishes. I know in the past we both have a habit of doing what we think each other needs without regard to what the other wants. That has to end, no more choices can be taken away from him. No matter If I like his choices or not.

Cas managed to redirect Dean, asking him to make burgers for dinner. Dean can’t say no to either, really they are amazing but don’t tell him that. It was a great idea it gave him something to focus on for about an hour while making the burgers, and sides. Then 30 minutes to eat it, and another 15 minutes for clean up. I tried to offer to do that for him but Cas shook his head at me. He was right more distracting Dean time.

Someone suggested watching a movie but then there was an unexpected rape scene. Supposed to be a comedy, from now on I’ll check reviews first. Immediately I hear a gasp, Dean is turning while, eyes wide open. He is up quick, hiding in a corner begging not be hurt or fucked. His eyes look glazed over, he is looking at something or someone not there. He wraps his hands around his head, now his begging is muffled. Oh, it’s a flashback, not a panic attack, I stay back let Cas take over. Not that I’ve never helped Dean through one, but he responds better to Cas. I don’t know if it’s the bond or because he has seen the memories, it could just be because he is in love with Cas. Cas spends some time with Dean in the corner he ran to.

I’m feeling so many different emotions at the same time seeing him huddled in a corner begging someone not really there, not to hurt or rape him. Anger, sorrow, determination, rage, compassion, and vengeful to name a few. Twenty minutes later Cas is able to get Dean up, he motions with his head he is taking Dean to bed I nod to show I understand. Dean walks leaning on Cas head down, he looks so defeated after those. I understand those I’ve had flashbacks and hallucinations they are terrifying. Always feel, smell, taste, look real until you’re back in the present. He will be emotionally drained, will most likely sleep for a while.

 


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning shows no sign of the night before when I look at Dean. He is frying some eggs and cooking bacon. Of course, there has to be bacon, at every meal if he could.

“Hey, how did you sleep?” I ask.

“Not good, nightmares throughout the night,” he responds.

I drop my coffee cup, mouth open eyes wide open. I stutter out, “What! You don’t ever actually give a fully honest answer. Usually, you would say something like “fine” what’s going on?”

Dean gives me an odd look telling me, “There is nothing wrong with telling others your feelings, and sharing your burdens.”

My mouth keeps opening to respond but I can’t figure out what to say to that.   

“Jeesh Sammy calm down sharing emotions won’t hurt you,” he says as he sits to eat.

_What, what was that I've been saying that for years._

_I’m dumbfounded, well maybe convincing him to see a therapist won’t be as hard as I thought it would be._

 

Dean P.O.V

 

Last night was a bad night, Cas woke me up several times when my nightmares got really bad. I’m always exhausted after a flashback and then sleep awfully that night. Having all the lies gone isn't going to fix everything. I know this, Sammy didn’t have a spell controlling him and yet he still needed help after Hell so how should it be different for me. I never talked after I returned from Hell, I was scared if I did then I would never get rid of the images and nightmares. I was wrong they never really left, over time the number of times I experienced them was much smaller. I’m sure with time that would happen with this but this time it could be different. After Hell I dealt with it alone, now I have others willing to help me.

Sitting here with Cas reading a random lore book I picked up not looking for anything in particular just reading something I might need someday. Cas is reading a book that looks like it was written in an ancient language.

Sam sits in a chair near us. “Dean, can I talk to you for a minute?” He asks. Cas starts to stand until Sam holds up a hand stopping him, “You can stay this is not a secret.”

Cas looks at me, I shrug my shoulders, “I don’t know but I’d tell you later anyway,” Cas nods, and sits back down.”

“What I’d like to talk to you about possibly seeking therapy. Now I know you don’t want to see one but…”

“I’ll do it,” I say interrupting him. 

Sam looks shocked speechless. It’s a funny look on him, I think I’ll make it my goal to see it more often.

“Wah what did you say?” he sputters out.

“I said I’ll do it, I’ve been considering it. After Hell I held it all in, I had to deal with it alone for a long time. When I could have had support, and maybe gotten through it all faster if only I would have asked for help. I didn’t even let you help me, ridiculous now that I look back. I can’t do this alone, and I don’t want to. So what is your plan, not like therapist put accepts supernatural on their adds.”

“Oh um ok, I was thinking asking any hunters we trust if they know any therapist. Here is the list of hunters I was thinking to ask. Do you like this idea or do you want to try another way?” Sam responds.

“I’m ok with this list, I’d like to start with Jody she will be the least emotional. Are you willing to call, I don’t think I could do it if I have to call them all repeating why.”

“No, no problem I’ll let you know if she doesn't have an answer then who should be next?” Sam asks.

“Go with Garth,” I blurt out trying not to overthink it. 

An hour later Sam tells me Jody is checking around but will not say who it is for. I didn’t think I’d be anxious waiting for a response. What if we can’t find a supernatural head shrink. Every time I check the clock it's only been a few minutes. How many people could she have to call? Sam’s phone rings nothing from his side of the call gives me a hint. After he hangs up he doesn’t have a happy look on his face. 

“Oh, I should have known,” I say.

“She didn’t say it's a definite no, she is waiting for a few calls back, one being Garth. She will let us know as soon as she knows.” I nod, I don’t know what else to say.

“Um Dean there is one more thing we need to talk to you about,” he looks worried. “We thought you would want to decide what to do with these.”

He slides an envelope to me, “What’s this a bribe,” I say back trying to lighten the mood. 

“No, it's, No no wait before you open th..”

I sigh, opening it and before it's even open all the way I know what they are. My hands start to shake, my breathing becomes more shallow. I can’t get any air I’m suffocating, cold sweating spreading. It’s happening again, I try to listen to their talking but it's too far away. I can’t hear them no help coming. My heart rate is going to fast, it feels warm in here. Lighthead now and my ears start ringing darkness takes over.

I open my eyes, I’m on the couch. “What happened?” Comes out a whisper. Cas kneels on the floor next to me. 

“You had a panic attack after we gave you the pic….”

“Pictures,” I’m going to throw up. I quickly cover my mouth, hastily running to the closest trash can. Cas moves quickly out of the way. I repeatedly throw up until there is nothing left in me. Cas is rubbing my back comforting me, this is just like one of my memories.

“I need to go lay down,” I stand up stumbling attempting to get my balance, holding the wall. Cas comes and helps me walk. To get back to my room I have to go through the room with the pictures. I freeze at the doorway, the envelope is on the floor and few fell out of the envelope. 

 _They're going to see them._  

I rush over tripping a few times, dropping to my knees. With shaky hands, I’m trying to stuff them back in the envelope. My hands are shaking too much they keep falling back to the floor. “No, NO.” My body starts to shake too, tears falling down. “Have to hide them, can’t let anyone see them,” I repeat frantically. Cas reaches for them, I pull them back. “No they're mine, no one can see them. You don’t understand no one, no no one can see them. Please, I can’t let anyone see them.” Clutching the pictures to my chest, laying on the floor crying repeating, “mine, no one.” Cas sits next to me pulls me in his arms. He holds me rocking while humming, my crying slows down until I fall asleep.

 

Sam P.O.V

 

That was a disaster!

“He is sleeping, I couldn’t get him to let go of the pictures though,” Cas announced.

“We should have told him sooner,” I state.

“He was in no condition then, the result may have been worse,” replies Cas. 

“Nothing we can do about it now. We will have to tell him all of us have seen them,” I respond.

“I agree, he deserves to know,” Cas respond.

Dean sleeps for several hours when he comes out of his room he looks disheveled. Hair messy, robe loosely tied, red puffy eyes, he looks miserable. In his hands is the envelope still holding them tight. He is walking as if he is in a daze, not really focusing on anything. I make sure not to touch him.

“Dean, are you ok?” I question him. 

It takes a moment for him to focus on me, he doesn’t look good at all. This is the look he had while telling us about the kidnapping.

“Dean, try to focus on me. Are you here?” I ask him. Maybe I can bring him out of this state he is in.

He seems to look right through me, he shakes his head a few times. Blinks his eyes several times to focus. Looking right at me now his only response is to tighten his arms around himself and making a “wat,” sound, I think that was what. “Do you know where you are?” I ask him.

He looks around to see where he then whispers, “Bunker.” OK and now he is back to not making eye contact. 

“Dean can you sit down with me, Cas is in the living room. You could sit with him,” saying Cas seems to waken him up some. Now that we’re sitting here I don’t know what to say. I hesitated several times nothing coming out.

Cas starts the talk, “Dean are you here?” he asks.

Dean looks right at him says, “Bunker.”

“Yes ok good, do you want to talk about what your holding,” Cas softly asks. Dean pulls them closer to his chest, not answering. We wait for a few moments before he mumbles, “Why?” 

“Why do we want to talk about it?” I ask. 

“No, why are they here?”

“Um, that’s how we found you.” seeing Dean confused look I continue answering him. “He sent them to us, with info on the back of where to find you, the last five had partial address information on each. Every new one we tried to find you, went to a lot of wrong places. Until the last one gave us the street name there were just too many houses in that zip that had the same house numbers. We continued looking but had to come back to get the next part of the address. They were hand delivered by civilians, no pattern on how they were chosen. With each one, the person delivering them said someone they are close with told them to deliver it flashing black eyes. Most were so scared it took some convincing to get them to tell us anything and, the rest were afraid they would look crazy. We checked each person a demon possessed to pass the picture along to the delivery person were all dead.“

“So you all have seen them, did the delivery people look too?” he asks. He goes from sounding sad to angry at the idea of others seeing the pictures.

“Yes, we saw them. We asked each delivery person said they were instructed not to open the envelope. I’m sorry I’m sure you didn’t want anyone to see them but they led us to you,” he nods. Not sure if that means he understands or there is nothing to do about it now maybe both. 

“This is all of them,” Dean says. 

“That’s all the ones we got,” I respond.

“No, what I mean is this is all of them, he only used the one camera. One of those older ones that print the picture out right away. Basic camera, nothing digital, no screen nothing with the ability to save a copy.

 _Why that doesn't make sense, take them but not want any of them._  

“That is odd, but at least you have all the documentation that showed what he did,” I tell him. When I look at his face he has an expression of what looks to be sham. Shaking his head looking down body tense, now he won’t make eye contact again.

“What?” I ask looking at him then Cas both look like they are in pain.

Dean stutters out, “He has a video.”

I jump up so angry knocking my chair over, “YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!” Dean flinches when I yell and tries to hide behind Cas.

_I’ll definitely be using the “Angry room” later on. Idiot think before you act._

I get myself calm pick my chair up and sit back down.

“I..I.. didn’t let him record me, I didn’t have a choice. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want him to either. I didn’t even know he was until it was too late. I was ordered to close my eyes. Please don’t be mad at me,” Dean says stuttering and mumbling, his tone of voice sounds so scared.

“Dean I’m not mad at you, sorry I reacted that way. Yes, I’m angry and enraged, but not at you only at that monster. It’s ok I’m sorry I won’t yell again.” 

After a few minutes of Cas gently rubbing his back whispering to him he settles down. Now I’m also angry at myself, I know better than to yell near him.

“You saw the pictures before I got home so you already knew what he did right?” Dean asks.

“Yes we did but not much, you're the only face in them. Most were close up shots harder to get all the details. Nothing in them that helped us find you. We didn’t know if the others in the pictures were the same demon in each or not.” I gently tell him.

“No, they were not the same demon almost all of them are a different demon.” They always had the same vessels. I think a few of the vessels are already dead, but that doesn’t matter I’m sure they will change vessels leaving those for dead.

_Oh God, most different men. How many were there? Never going to ask that question._

Thank God, my phone rings, I don’t know how much longer I can control my anger. “Um my phone is ringing,” I inform them as if they can't hear it. Checking the screen it's Jody so I tell them who it is. Dean requests I put it on speaker.

“Hey Jody, find anything?” I ask. 

“Wow right to the point, no how are you?” she replied. 

“Sorry about that, you’re on speaker, and I’m sure he wants to know as soon as possible,” I tell her. That also gave me the chance to tell her she is on speaker.

“Oh hey Dean, How are you doing?” she asks. No pity in her voice, nothing that’s different from a usual conversation with her.

“Hello Jody, I’m not doing well. Between the nightmares, flashbacks and panic attacks I’m exhausted emotionally and physically,” He answers.

No response from Jody for about 15 seconds, I checked my phone several times to make sure the line wasn’t disconnected. Most likely she is surprised that Dean didn’t hold back about how he is doing. He didn’t say the traditional ‘I’m fine’ answer.

“Well, that sucks doesn’t it,” She replies. She always knows just how to word everything to show she cares but doesn't pity us.

Dean smiles, “Yeah it does.” 

“You want some company for a while, both the girls are on summer trips. Something to do with school seems to be more vacation than learning,” she asks.

Dean hesitates, I can see he is fighting with himself. Let's see if closed off Dean wins or open accepting help Dean wins. “Um... yeah It would be nice to see you and hang out. Long as you're not put out.” 

“Naw I’m on forced vacation 3 weeks left, have to use it. They are scared I’ll save it all, and retire years early.” She makes an amused laugh sound that’s also annoyed. Makes us laugh too. Well except Cas who looks confused, that’s not new.

“Great I’ll text you direction, oh wait I don’t have a phone my phone was taken when…” He’s not able to finish that, a dark expression overcomes his face. I need to distract him before a panic attack happens.

“No worries,” I jog to the library grab a bag. “I got you a new phone, just forgot to give it to you, here you go.”

He opens the package finds the number, gives it to her. They agree to text and end the call.

“Dean are you really ok with Jody coming, you don't like anyone to see your feelings. You don’t like others taking care of you or mother-henning you,” I ask confused.

“Well that was before, now I know it's okay to get help,” he tells me.

_We forgot to ask about a therapist. I’ll send a text._

Sending a text, I receive an answer about 20 minutes later. “Garth was able to find 2 different ones. One is 2 hours away, and the other is 30 minutes. I’m sure he will most likely choose the closer one but Garth said the first is more comfortable with the supernatural. The second one doesn’t know much really, a hunter helped her with a ghost once. I think the first would be better, has more knowledge.”

I text back, “I agree with you, I'll bring it up with Dean so he can decide. Can you please send me the Names and contact info.”

“Sure no problem,” she texts back, with a ghost emoji on it. I chuckle, she is amazing.

 

Dean P.O.V

 

Three days later Jody arrives, I’m still shocked I said yes. Never before would I have, but now I know there is nothing wrong with getting help. Jody is awesome, she gets here gives the normal standard hug. No crying over me or mothering me. Doesn't treat me any different, no looks of pity or judgment. Not that I expected any judgment from her, it’s as if she doesn't even know.

Right after she puts her stuff away she grabs a few beers then passes them out. Looks to me says, “So I've heard of your fantastic burgers, and as a guest, I think that means your required to make me one.”

“Oh do you now, I think that can be done. Don’t go expecting special attention though,” I reply smiling.

“By the way who told you about them,” I ask. I see Sam drop his head down in fake annoyance.

“Sam told me all about them,” she says.

I turn point at Sam, “I knew you loved them, I knew it. Saying, 'There ok,' yeah right admit It I’m the burger king.” Everyone is smiling, as Sam pretends to be upset holding his head in his hands, but part of a smile is visible.

 

Jody has been here for about 2 weeks now, tomorrow is my first appointment with a therapist. We called both gave a little info, the first one sounded more confident she can help. Also the other didn’t sound like she wanted to help.

This will be my first time leaving the bunker since I’ve been home. Sam, Cas, and Jody asked If I want any of them to come with us. I said all three, Cas should come in with me. Sam will not want to stay back if Jody comes. Plus we can stop, and get dinner on the way home. Maybe some ice cream or PIE. Kevin has been obsessively translating the tablet, we hardly see him. 

Standard office for a therapist, nothing special or connected to the supernatural. She agreed over the phone we can test her, verifying she is not a monster. She was uncomfortable at first until we explained the test. 

Then she said it's a reasonable request. She calls us into the office, first I lay a circle of salt around her and ask her to leave the circle. She steps right over it then to be sure I ask her to drink some holy water. Passes that too only a few more left. Then she shows us there are no fangs in her mouth. Next, I asked her to hold up a mirror and look in it passed that one too. Handed her an iron fire poker, no damage then took a picture, no camera flare. We made sure to show her the picture was deleted. Last but not lease a blessed Silver knife. She was made aware ahead of time of this test, she took the knife without fear made a small cut on her arm about an inch long show us her arm. Great all the test passed, after that I ask if we can salt all the windows and doors also place some devil traps around. She has no problem with that actually she would feel safer with them permanently staying.

Everyone satisfied it's safe Sam and Jody leave the office, I think they said something about a bookstore nearby they want to check out. Cas and I sit on a couch together holding hands, I see her taking note of this. No look of judgment on her face more like this may be important to therapy. She offers either of us a water, we decline and Cas informs her he doesn’t require water. 

“So to start I’d like to get some basic background, just family tree info. Family structure, mom and dad or dad and dad that kind of thing. Just so I don't miss speak If I reference them at any point. I doubt it but I like to be prepared.” She tells us.

_Likes to be prepared, I already like her._

“Well let's see there was, mom, dad, me and Sammy. Mom died when I was 4 a demon killed her for interrupting while he infected Sammy with demon blood to create a future army. Dad took us on the road with him hunting the demon down that killed mom. Raised us as soldiers, weapons training, fighting and defending yourself training. We only stayed in one place for around a month then moved on to the next hunt he wanted to investigate and remove the issue if needed. We lived out of motels alone most of the time. Dad would leave for weeks at a time. I started raising Sammy when I was 4 he was 6 months. I have been his father, mother, brother, caregiver his whole life. I taught him how to walk, talk and everything else. I’m the one that made sure he was feed even if it meant I didn’t eat, had clean clothes, did his homework and chores. I’m the one that read him bedtime stories at night and comforted him when the nightmares kept him up. Children should not have to see, and fight monsters, it took me years to realize that. Learning multiple ways to kill with a knife, and hand to hand combat before your 15 years old."

"Dad ended up dying by the same demon, he traded his soul for my life. Normally demons give 10 years on their deals but this one wanted a Winchester and revenge for my father hunting him for over 20 years. He was only given the time to say goodbye. Our family is well known to the demons, angels, and monsters."

"Sam died so I sold my soul to save him, I was given a year before they drag you to hell. I spent 40 years in hell, time is different there. Tortured for the first 30 years till I broke and took their deal. If you want off the rack you have to torture other souls, believe me, I held out as long as I could. I didn’t know I am the righteous man so when I took the deal I broke the first of the 66 seals to Lucifer's cage. Cas here was sent from heaven to rescue me from hell before my soul turned black. You become a demon if your soul becomes dark enough. There long enough and it will unless you stay on the rack for all of entirety."

"Coming back from the dead was interesting, honestly, now it's normal. I’ve been brought back after death so many times I don’t know the exact number. Anyway, while I was in hell Sam was manipulated by a demon because that demon infected him as an infant he had physic abilities that strengthen when drinking demon blood. Really he thought he was doing what had to be done to stop Armageddon, and billions of people dying. Which we did end up doing, stopping armageddon saving the world."

"The cost was high in order to stop the end of the world Sammy had to sacrifice himself by getting trapped in Lucifer's cage with Lucifer in hell. Sam was gone for 1 year tops side time but was tortured and I don't know what else for almost 200 years before Cas was able to get him. The cage is harder to get to then hell for me. We’ve saved the world several other times too, those details are not really needed though. Let's see I’ve been in Hell, Heaven, I was trapped in purgatory for one year. Non-stop fighting for your life from every monster that has ever been killed."

"The reason I’m here… um, a demon took me for 6 months. Used a spell that forced me to follow all orders no matter what and to believe anything he tells me with no doubt until death. So, for example, he tells me I’m stupid I will believe it till I die no matter what anyone says or does to try and prove that lie wrong. For 6 months he forced me to do humiliating things, told me negative lies about myself. He and his demon friends raped me for months. Hell was better than those 6 months. At least in hell, no one had control of my every movement, thought, desire, opinion, beliefs, wants needs. In hell I could refuse to do what I was told, the consequence was never good but I could still refuse. Those 6 months absolutely nothing was in my control."

"When I got home Cas was able to help by using an angel spell, to make it work we had to go into every single second of memories and experience them a second time. He couldn't change the memory but he could overlap the lies I was told with new truth. This means I have the memories of the actual events but I also have a separate memory of the same event with Cas is there. Soothing me, soft touches, loving words, contradicting every word the demon’s said. It took months, I no longer believe the lies I was told now the truth that Cas said in the memories is what I will believe no matter what till I die."

"That hasn't fixed everything though, I’ve been having issues with panic attacks. Flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, triggers, emotions unpredictable. Crying or anger for no apparent reason. They made me an “Anger room,” It has a punching bag and other things to release anger physically. Also, Cas and I have started dating recently, the spell he had to use to help me has extra abilities if the angel and human are in love with each other. That's how we discovered our feelings for each other. We can feel one another's emotional and physical feelings, send emotions to each other, know what the other is thinking. Not the exact words just the theme of the thoughts. We may be able to sense where the other is but we haven’t tested that yet. Anyways I’m having issues when trying to be intimate, my body is all for it but my mind is not. Flashes of memories stop me, sometimes I can still feel, taste, hear them as if it's happening again.”

I look up for the first time since I started talking to see she is shocked, holding the notebook open without writing in it. Cas sends me feelings of worry, which causes our bond rope to glow. Her eyes widen, she closes her eyes takes a deep breath. After a few minutes, she looks up she looks better calmer. 

She starts by saying, “Ok well that's a lot to work with but that’s not going to stop me from helping you. Recovery is possible, reducing the reactions to triggers, learning breathing exercises and grounding. That is the beginning, no worries I’m not, well I was worried at first, but I processed everything, and see a positive outcome."

“Treatment will be basically the same, the circumstance of your abuse, and imprisonment are different, but the reactions are the same, and expected. You have given me what I need to work on a treatment plan. The two hours are up, but I’d like to see you again next week if possible. I should have something planned out by then to consult with you. You will make the choices with my guidance though. I want you aware you are in control of the sessions. I’d also like to get to know Cas next week,” he tilts his head analyzing her. 

I sigh, feels like I’ve been holding my breath these last two hours. A weight has been lifted, “Recovery is possible.” Those are amazing words. Standing up to leave she stands also shakes both our hands.

“Please schedule an appointment for next week with my receptionist. I’ll see you next week,” we make the appointment. Go to the car, text the others, time for some Pie.

 


	14. Chapter 14

We’ve been going to therapy for two months now, I started driving again after the first month. We don’t do much out of the bunker yet though, crowds make me anxious. If past me was told he would be taking anti-anxiety meds and practicing breathing exercises he would never believe it and most likely laugh. Cas has also been in therapy too, with me. At first, we thought he would just be going to help me but my therapist thought he should benefit from it too. He experienced trauma also going through those memories with me. Cas at first insisted he wasn’t affected, but when she started asking him questions about what he saw and his feelings. It was clear he was not ok, he’s stopped fighting it now. I also have sleep pills if I need them, not to fall asleep but to get back to sleep after a nightmare if needed. She really loved the “Anger room” idea, that made Sam and Kevin happy when I told them. Jody went home a few weeks ago, It was great having her here. She didn’t need to be told what to do during a panic attack or flashback. She seemed to understand, I didn’t ask how or why and she wasn’t saying. Not that she was hiding anything just nothing that she felt needed to be shared. Before she left she asked to be there when we kill those demons, “No one messes with my boys,” Her words. We told her we will call her.

Cas and I have been using her grounding techniques not only in panic or flashbacks situations but also during intimate moments. It's helping some, still haven't gotten farther than our shirts off.  

We are laying in bed kissing now. He is breathing hard and moaning every time I pinch his nipple. I move to kiss his neck, sucking leaving marks. Sliding my body covering his, grinding into him. He groans his head pressed into the pillow, hands clenching the blankets. Seeing his reactions sends pleasure throughout my body. I place my lips on his nipple, softly nibble and flick my tongue across it. He is trembling, I move so half my body is on his. Slowly sliding my hand lower past his belly button. He is looking at me confused, I’ve never done this before. When my hands slide under the waistband of his pants and underwear he is shocked. As soon as my hand grasps him his eyes fly open and he lets out a hiss. He is trying to talk, most likely to check on me so I nod to him he smiles, I move my hand faster. Stroking placing more pressure at the base and gliding my thumb alone the head. He is breathing so hard now it's not possible to speak clearly, his whole body is shaking. I speed up more gripping tighter he starts mumbling “fuck,” over and over. His moaning and groaning have become loud, now he is shouting, “Yes.” He throws his head back eyes rolling, back arching, his body becomes tense trembling legs. Hands gripping the sheets under him he yells out, “Yeh fucking shit,” before silently screaming and dropping back down. He is covered in sweat, out of breath, eyes closed body trembling in aftershocks. So beautiful. I remove my hand wipe it on the sheets. They can be washed.

“Cas you okay,?” I ask. 

He opens his eyes mumbles out what I think is the word what. Clearing his throat he responds, “Yes, and you,?”

“I’m great, that was amazing. Watching you really turned me on.”

He looks at my groin sees I’m still very hard, “Is there anything I can do for you, would you be ok with me doing the same back?”

My brain is trying to think that through not able to with the images in my head of him doing that. Moaning at the thought, I nod my permission. This will be the first time he has touched me there. Slowly he presses me down laying me on my back, starts with kissing me. His tongue in my mouth sliding along with mine, fingertips grazing along my chest. He pinches and twists my nipple causing me to hiss. Kissing, nibbling along my jawline, licking my neck. Sucks my earlobe in his mouth, his mouth is amazing.

Slowly he kisses down my neck to my chest, bringing my nipple in his mouth. Pleasure spreading through my body, my breath picks up. I yelp when his teeth graze my nipple and hand is pinching the other. My fingers comb through his hair to the back of his neck, when he sucks my nipple harder my fingers grip his neck, holding him there for a second before I realize I’m doing it. He doesn’t complain just looks up smiles, “You ok? You know where you are?”

Out of breath, I answer, “Yes Cas, I’m here with you.”

Right as I stop talking he is back to licking my chest treating the other nipple the same. His fingertips trace down my chest to my waistband, he looks up at me waiting. After I nod giving him my consent he gently slides his hand under the waistband of my pants and boxers. The tips of his finger graze the head of my cock, a hiss escapes me. He gently grips me, not able to think anymore I just allow myself to feel.

“Dean focus on me, stay with me.” I open my eyes to watch him, nodding so he knows I didn’t leave. He begins stroking grip getting stronger using my precum to glide smoother. My body is shaking, I’m not going to last much longer.

“That’s it cum for me, so sexy,” Cas says moaning. When I feel him sucking my nipple again that’s it for me.

My body begins to tremble, eyes open wider. Head back pressed into the pillow gasping till my body tenses up then I’m yelling out, “fuck.” Breathing heavy body relaxed with my eyes closed, Cas rests his head on my chest. Stroking my fingers through his hair, he is humming to me. It’s this good with our clothes still on I can’t imagine it when we are able to go all the way. “How are you doing?” Cas asks me. Always checking with me, so sweet.

“I’m awesome,” I respond smiling showing him I really am ok.  


Sam P.O.V

 

Since Dean started therapy he is improving, panic attacks and flashbacks are less often. Sometimes I hear him scream from a nightmare that's down to about three times a week now. The other sounds I have heard from his room are definitely not from nightmares. Not what I want to hear on the way to the bathroom at night but if it’s between that and screaming from a nightmare you won’t hear me complaining. Cas and Dean still don’t show much affection to each other in front of us but it is clear there relationship is strong. For one thing, the looks they give each other are almost pornographic. Then there is the bond rope we can all see, it’s brighter when either is using it to communicate. I’ve never even seen them kiss, they hold hands and sit so close they are almost sitting on each other. In a normal relationship they would be going out on dates but since that’s not doable right now they do other things. Watching movies together, having dinner alone, sitting under the stars, using the “Anger room” together. I’m not sure if that is for exercise or therapy.

It's been 5 months since Dean started therapy, I’ve gone a few times for family therapy. Learned the best ways to help Dean during panic attacks, and flashbacks. I personally went to see her on my own five times to work through my own issues about Dean’s kidnapping. She suggested I keep coming to talk about my own issues including Hell. I said I’d think about it, but either way, I will wait till Dean is better. Right now needs to be about Dean, he has always been there for me this is my chance to show him he deserves the same.

A few times when Dean has been triggered he will start saying, “The all about Dean,” phrase. Trying to bring him to the present is upsetting for all of us, you can’t touch him. He will either fight and try to hide or just give up going right to his hands and knees head down. The first time I saw him do this I almost had a panic attack. We’ve tried to get him back to the present not touching him just talking, that is not any easier. He’s not hearing you, he is hearing him and sometimes the same result happens.

That demon is sick, based on Dean’s reactions he was raped repeatedly throughout each day for any and all, “rule breaking.” Dean said sometimes there were new rules he wasn’t told about or they would change with no warning. If he tried to hide from him he was punished either a beating or raped or both by several demons at once. All that meant to me was the demon wanted to punish Dean, he at any time could have ordered Dean not to hide or made it a rule.  

Cas said sometimes after a nightmare Dean will fight to get into the correct position and get his clothes off. Those usually end with Cas having to let him finish before he can get Dean back to the present. Then crying himself to sleep in his arms.

 

Dean P.O.V

 

I’ve been in therapy for six months now, my therapist says I’m doing really good. She’s proud of me all that good stuff. I talked to her about hunting those demon’s down. She said usually she has to report any indication of vengeance but in this case, their demon’s so she supports my decision. She suggested I talk it over with everyone make sure we have a plan and are prepared. She is worried that if we do find them but they are able to hurt any of us not only could someone die but that would damage my recovery.

She also said she would like to be kept informed, and if we do find them and kill them she wants to see us as soon as possible. I promised, in the meantime, I’m still going to be seeing her just every other week now.

Sam, Kevin, Cas, Jody, Donna and I are sitting down now to talk about a plan. Donna called a few weeks ago she was in town asked if she could stay a night. I didn’t expect her to notice a difference in me so easily. She knew after only three minutes in the bunker. So we sat her down explained what happened, after crying she became angrier than I think I’ve ever seen her or maybe anyone. She was actually scary, Sam showed her the “Anger room” didn’t see her for an hour. After she came out she was her normal bubbly self, odd hearing someone so happy saying in a sweet voice, “Alright when are we going to kill all those fuckers.” All of us were so shocked no one responded, took a few seconds before we could speak. We told her she will be called for the planning.

I asked her what it was that she noticed different about me. I thought she would say something about me being more anxious or paranoid. Nope, she said I was more open and inviting than usual. I guess her first clue was I hugged her back longer then I use to and this time put more effort into it. Then she noticed the looks me, and Cas were given each other. She knew right away something was up, she thought we were just going to say Cas and I started dating. I was surprised, we didn’t even have to say anything about the kidnapping. It’s ok I don’t mind her knowing she would never think differently about me or gossip.

“Ok, so other than the pictures did you have any other clues on who took me?” I ask.

Sam replied, “No it was as if you completely disappeared, didn’t even find any demon activity.”

“That makes sense, neither he or the others used their demonic powers much. I assume so as to not cause any signs for you to find,” I inform them.

I place the pictures on the table face down to show the writing on the back. “I would appreciate it if no one turns those over,” I say. They all nod.

“So we have no way to find them?” I ask.

“Did you check the crime scene?” Jody asks just like any good cop would.

“No, we left as soon as we found Dean,” Sam answers.

“Then that is our first stop,” Donna says.

I can feel a panic attack coming, I start grounding myself by saying out loud all the different colors I see in the room. Then focus on my breathing and all the different sensations I feel. After a few minutes, I’m better and able to continue on with the meeting. Cas holds my hand, and the other hand is over my heart two fingers tapping my chest.

“You ok?” Donna asks.

“Yes thank you, just had to calm down and get used to the idea of going in there. I didn’t consider ever going back in there.”

“You don’t have to go,” Sam says.

“Yes, yes I do. I’ll always regret it if I don’t. I won’t be alone, it will be ok,” I tell him

“Alright well let’s head there in the morning,” I suggest.

Everyone agrees and goes on their own. Some eating or watching T.V., Cas and I go to bed. As soon as Cas closes the door I grab him push him against the door. Give him a hard kiss lick his lips and explore his mouth when he opens for me. We both groan, I let go put my forehead to his. “Sorry I just needed to do that,” I tell him. Looking at him now his lips swollen, hair messed up. Shirt wrinkled panting for breath clearly turned on.

“That’s Ok with me I enjoyed it,” he tells me.

“Oh did you now, what else do you enjoy?

“Anything you want to give me,” he says.

“Smart man,” I say before I pull him to the bed push him down crawl on top of him. He is already hard, I rub against him causing him to gasp. Leaning down I gently place my lips on his, he kisses me back flicking his tongue. I open for him, he glides his tongue on mine. His hands are in the air, not knowing where to put them, I take them and place them around me. He is always so careful with me.

I want to move things farther but I don’t know how to say that. He must have understood my thoughts he says, “Dean whatever you want to do, do it. You can stop anytime you need to. I nod before leaning down to kiss and lick his neck. Using my hands to remove his tie and shirts.

I look up at him say in an amused tone, “Always have to have so many layers on?” He just smiles. Once I get his multiple layers off I move on to his chest. Licking and sucking his nipples while I use my leg rubbing his hard-on. I love hearing him moaning makes me want to get him screaming. I kiss down his chest, his eyes widen when he realized what I’m doing. He lifts his hand to stop me, I look him right in the eye. “I’m ready and want to do this let me try. I'll stop if I need to.”

“Ok,” he says short of breath.

Once I get his pants undone and zipper down I ask him, “Have you ever had this done?” He shakes his head. Sweating and breathing hard, face flushed and I haven’t even started yet.

He helps me get his pants down, “I just need you not to put your hands on me ok?” I tell him. He nods rapidly. He places his hands under his own head. I reach over and grasp his dick, he sucks in his breath. After a few strokes I lean down to lick him from base to tip, he gasps.

Encouraged I keep licking him, then take the head in my mouth. Pausing for a second till I hear him saying, “Dean it’s me, focus on my voice.” Taking a breath looking up at him blinking a few times I smile getting one in return. Taking more of him in my mouth, hollowing out my cheeks on the way back up. His legs are shaking, I didn’t expect him to take long being the first time for him. Moving more of him in my mouth and going faster, when I look up at him and he sees my eyes that’s it for him.

“Dean I’m about to cum,” he warns me gasping for air. I don’t move but keep going till his legs tense up. I hold his hips down while he is shouting and moaning. When he cums I swallow it all. Big smile on his face, eyes closed breathing deeply until he suddenly looks at me, “Are you ok, was that ok, I tried to warn you.”

So sweet, “Don’t worry you did warn me, I choose not to move away, Ok?” I respond. He nods with a big goofy smile on his face.

“Um. what about you, I can do that for you too. If you want,” He asks.

“Well um, I’m not really ready to take my pants off yet, I’m sorry,” I respond. I’m embarrassed that I’m able to perform but not receive.

“Don’t be embarrassed or sorry, from what I’ve read it's easier to give since you have more control then receiving. I don’t have to use my mouth I can use my hand as I’ve done before.”

He always knows what to say, “I’d like that.”  
  



	15. Chapter 15

Sam P.O.V 

  
  


Pulling up to that house brings back bad memories for me, I can't imagine what it's like for Dean. Looking at him now he seems fine, maybe he never saw the outside. The inside is where I am the most worried about him. I hope he took one of his anti-anxiety pills or at least has them with him. Same as before doesn’t look like anyone is around. We are all armed and ready, guns, holy water, and angel blades. Cas and Dean take the back door while the rest of us go to the front door. Walking in that living room again is something I never thought I would do again. Clearing the house, no one is here we search the rooms. Donna and Jody check the upstairs, nothing there, Dean Cas, and I check the first level. Dean is holding up well so far, holding Cas’s hand tighter than usual. I’m impressed honestly if it were me nothing would get me to come back here. I find a notebook in one of the kitchen drawers. 

“Hey Dean I found a notebook,” he comes in the kitchen. 

“That belongs to him, I was ordered never to read it,” he responds.

“Well his orders don’t have to be followed, do you mind If I look in it?” I ask.

“I don’t mind, you already know what he did,” he replies.

“Ok, let’s keep searching I can read it after,” I tell him.

We are all in the living room now, about to go to the basement when I hear Donna.

“Hey there is a DVD here with a note, says play me. Should we play it?” she asks.

“Dean, what do you think it could be?” I ask.

“I don’t know, he likes to leave clues so maybe he wants us to find him,” he responds. 

Putting it in the DVD player and turning the T.V. on, it's a man I've never seen before, but I’m sure Dean has since he started breathing harder and Cas pulled him closer. I’m assuming it's the Demon.

“If you don’t watch you will miss the clue to find the witch, it's hidden throughout the video. Once you finish the video and put the clues together you will have your answer,” the monster says.

“Dean are you ok, do you want us to watch this without you,” I ask.

He takes a deep breath, squares his shoulders stands up taller looks right at me.

There is the confident Dean, he has been here the whole time but it's nice to see him.

“No, let's watch it, he always kept his deal’s so I don’t doubt the information is on it,” Dean responds.

Starting the video, we see Dean standing naked in this house.

Oh God, this is going to be bad.

“Dean sit there back to the wall, Now don't lie to me. When you masturbate do you think about someone you know?” the demon says.

Dean responds his voice sounds strained, “Um yes, Sir.” He only looks at the floor.

“Dean you look a little frustrated, sexually that is.” monster says

Dean ’s head whips up eyes wide, he squeaks out, “Deal...Sir?”

Looking over at Dean he is clearly dissociating.

_I don’t know what the deal was, I’m sure Dean will say if he wants us to know._

Suddenly the screen flashes a picture of a woman.

“That’s the witch,” Cas says.

"Um, Cas can you bring him back, pointing out Dean's state of mind?" I ask Cas.

I can hear Cas attempting to ground Dean. 

The monster laughs, “I always keep my deals. I said I wouldn't fuck you anymore today. Dean you are going to get yourself off. Let's go, close your eyes, imagine the person you usually masturbate to is touching you. This person is really here right now touching you. Imagine this person here talking dirty to you. Remember this person is really here, this is really happening. Start now. Ide be careful not to call out any names if you want to keep your secret.”

Suddenly Dean is jumping in front of the T.V. we can’t see the whole screen anymore but we can all hear it. It’s easy to tell what Dean is doing on the video, Both the girls are crying covering their mouths with their eyes closed. 

“Please don’t watch it, Please,” Dean pleads.

He is hitting buttons on the DVD player but it’s still playing, must be hitting the wrong buttons in haste. He takes out his gun and shoots the T.V. a few times. That gets the T.V to turn off, Dean picks the DVD player up throws it on the ground. Stomping on it calling it many cuss words and insults. After he tires out he lets Cas hold him then tells Cas, “I refuse to cry in this house again can we finish here, and leave?” Dean asks.

We all agree I go down the basement ladder first. Holding my gun just in case, when I get to the bottom I turn the light on. Both the girls have shocked and disgusted looks on their faces. Last time I was here I didn’t really look around. There is blood everywhere the walls, floors, the table and the dirty blanket in the corner. The restraints are covered in blood. 

"Why is this here?" Jody asks. Pointing at a shirt hanging off of a nail in the wall. It is filthy, covered in dirt, blood and I don't want to know what else. So many holes it shouldn't even be considered a shirt anymore.

Dean stutters choking out, "Um I'd rather not talk about it." His body is shaking, obvious he is fighting off tears. Slowly I walk up to him, make sure I'm in his line of sight. 

"Dean, it's ok you don't have to say anything. We are almost done here ok?" He nods then goes stands so close to Cas he looks attached to him. 

Walking towards the bathroom, I can smell it before I get there. It is nasty in there, again I can’t help thinking how did Dean survive this. 

We all start searching, I check the bathroom to find nothing but disgustingness. Coming out of the bathroom it looks like no one else found anything, but no one wants to be the one to pick up the blanket. It has to be done so I go over and check it's disgusting. Blood and what I’m assuming is cum all over it, I really hope it's something else but I doubt it. I try but I’m not able to hold back from gagging, almost throwing up. This trip was a waste, I didn’t even see the other Angel wards. 

“Dean was there more Angel wards than this one?” I ask him.

“He said there were but I don’t know where, he could have lied, and I believed him or there hidden really well. Do we need to stay and find them or can we go?” he asks.

I can see and hear how badly he wants out of here, “No Dean we can go, I don’t think it's that important.”

We all go outside that’s when Donna says, “What’s in the shed?”

All of us turn towards it and start walking to it, it's locked. Ready to be done with this place, and leave Dean shoots the lock off the door. Opening the door there is a dead body in there, it's the witch and a table of what looks to be ingredients. She looks like she was beaten, clothes ripped throat slit. The ingredients must be from the spell used, I need to take samples of that. There is a note on the wall with a knife stabbed in it.

(Oops guess you didn’t need to watch the video. I’m sure you destroyed it, don’t worry I have copies. Oh, and by the way, this was a “Good witch,” possessed by a demon. Aww, poor thing fought so hard too screaming, and begging for us to leave Dean alone. Said she would take your place, she did get her turn that night too. After we all had our fun, I killed her with this knife I took from you.)

“Sick fuck,” Donna says.

“She deserves to be properly buried after she is salted and burned,” Dean says.

This is his choice, I happen to agree with him but I wouldn’t intervene even if I didn’t. Well, they are setting up the funeral I take samples, and all the notes I find around. Maybe I’ll get enough to know exactly how this spell was done. 

After the funeral is done we all head for the car until Dean stops turns around looking at the house.

“It has to go,” he whispers.

“What?” I ask

“I can’t leave that house there, it has to be destroyed,” he says.

“That can be done, we have plenty of gasoline in the trunk,” I tell him.

Dean stays outside while we pour gasoline throughout the house and basement out the front door about 20 feet from the house. Once we are all outside, Dean lights his lighter throws it. Turns around, not even bothering to watch it burn, as though it's not worth the attention. We all get in “Baby” as we drive away I hear the house blow up, must have hit the gas lines. Now we need to move quickly, no real way to explain the house burning down and the freshly made grave. On the drive home, Dean sits in the back with Cas said he is tired. Really I think he wanted to be held by Cas and since there is five of us he would have to sit close together. I didn’t say a word about it if he needs to be comforted that is completely understandable. 

 

Sam P.O.V

 

Back at the bunker, we all take time to clean up. All of us felt incredibly dirty for obvious reasons. That night we are all sitting in the living room. I open the notebook, on the inside cover it says for Sam.

“Guys this notebook was left for me.”

“What does it say,” Jody asks.

“Let's see there are lists, the first page is a list of names and address for each name,” I tell them.

“The next pages are creepy lists;

  * Isolate from the friends-family-outside world.
  * Degraded-no clothes-forced to choose how they are abused-forced to ask for abuse-forced to participate in abuse(spell).
  * Convinced they are to blame-deserved it-(spell).
  * Treat as animal-sell-allow others to abuse-provide only the basic-dirty conditions.
  * Brainwash-repetitive mantra-insult-consistent criticizing-forced to say insults and criticize self-(spell).
  * Humiliate-rape repeatedly-punish-change rules-make up rules-remove bathroom door-allow others to rape-forced to beg for rape-documentation of rape-pictures-videos-allow others to see pictures.
  * Control-restrict food-sleep-forced to stay inside.
  * Restrain-chains-spell-forced position.”



“This is a how-to on breaking someone emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. He planned all of this out to the most minor details. He got this information from someone, there are side notes of victims reactions to each step. Another here with time frames of abuse. That must be another reason for the spell, he didn’t have the time to brainwash you without it. That level of conditioning/brainwashing takes years,” I tell them.

“Who would tell someone how to do this?” Donna asks.

“I don’t know maybe someone on the list will say,” I suggest.

I continue looking through the pages, “Ah guys none of those names are going to tell us anything,” I tell them.

“Why not these people helped do that to me, they will talk to me!” Dean growls out.

“They can’t because they are all dead, they were all trauma psychologist that he possessed over the years. Went through all their memories saw several of their patients possessed them also. Killed them all, doctors and patients after learning all he could about how humans react to trauma,” I inform them.

“How many?”

_I don’t know if I should tell him, what if he blames himself._

“Sam how many?” Dean demands.

I can’t look at him I mumble out, “Fourteen psychologists and um...92 patients…”

A collective screech, all of us have angry expressions. We are going to need a bigger “Anger room.” Dean starts yelling, swearing flipping the table over about to punch the bookshelf until Cas pulls him to the “Anger room.” The sounds coming from that room indicate it will have to be restocked, and possibly the walls fixed.

Maybe we should check out garage sales for cheap furniture. 

 


	16. Chapter 16

Dean P.O.V.

 

Sam checked each name verifying they were all killed. Some framed for their own patient's deaths, then their deaths ruled as a suicide. With no leads and no way to track a demon, we are out of options. There is no way of knowing if they even kept the same vessels. It's been weeks with no answers, we are all discouraged. 

Therapy is going well, I told her all about the crime scene. She asked to see the notebook, I brought it the next appointment. Sam said he is done with it, no information in it to help track the demon’s down. She said that notebook is one of the most disturbing things she has ever seen. She knew a few of the psychologist, friends from college.

Donna and Jody left said they will come back if needed or if there is a lead. They both spent a few days here before leaving. Even with the circumstances, we all had a good time, watching movies we even went out to dinner. I was able to make it through the whole meal. They picked a less than crowded restaurant since they left we have gone back to that restaurant a few times.

Sam researched the ingredients to the spell, said this had to be done by a very powerful witch. That witch couldn’t have been that powerful to be killed by a cutthroat. The theory is combined with the demon there was enough power. Cas said it is old magic, and it had to be hard to find anyone that even knew of the spell or how to perform it.

Grounding has become easier, haven’t had a flashback after a nightmare all week. I still jump easily and get anxious if anyone stands behind me. Cas and Sam always give me the seat against the wall when we go out. It helps to see the whole room so I can relax.

Cas and our relationship is doing really well, at first we didn’t hold hands in public. I’m not sure why it made me uncomfortable, but the day a waitress hit on me showed me others don’t see me and Cas as a couple. I can’t have that, I’m proud of him, and I don’t care what they think anymore. I want to show him off, that waitress hasn’t tried again, she just smiles fondly at our linked hands.

Cas pointed out a cupid in the restaurant one day, that waitress has a destiny with someone else. I hope she is as happy as I am, It was great watching that unfold in front of us.

 

Watching Cas trembling, gasping for breath with his eyes closed is the best porn I’ve ever seen. If I didn’t know he doesn’t sleep I would think he was asleep with how relaxed he looks. Resting my head on his chest he combs his fingers through my hair humming. His fingers glide down to my neck tracing down my back, my body shivers. We’ve tried a few times to go further, every time I’m able to let him take my pants off but not my boxers. He has repeatedly said it's no rush, he has no problem doing this however I need.

 

Cas P.O.V

 

Caressing my fingertips over his jaw gently tipping his head so he looks at me. Guiding him up to my lips, when his lips meet mine I flip us over so he is under me. Trailing my hand down his chest and down his side, pressing my lips firmer on his lips. As I pinch his nipple he opens his mouth gasping. I use that time to taste him, caressing his tongue with mine. I can feel his body heating up through our bond, he is definitely turned on. Kissing down his throat sucking hard leaving marks, he loves when I do this. Causes him to groan and thrust up against me. Licking and kissing down his chest, my hand gliding down to his pants. Flicking and licking his nipple while I unbuckle his pants, he lifts his hips to help lower his pants. I look up at him checking if he is ok, he nods his head giving me permission to keep going. Kissing down his chest, stomach stroking his inner thighs. Hooking my fingers under the waistband of his boxers, I check for permission first. We’ve gotten here before but he has stopped me each time before. This time he nods again granting me permission. Slowly I lower his boxers, he is breathing heavy.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

“Yes please keep going," he pants out. 

Placing myself in between his legs kissing his thighs while stroking his penis. His moaning is an encouragement, checking his face again to be sure before I continue. He is focused on me, looks to still be present. Leaning down I lick the tip, suddenly he jumps out of the bed. Backing away from me, he is panicking, possible flashback. I speak softly and stay where I am. Following only scares him.

“Dean It’s me Cas, please look at me. Your safe listen to my voice,” I say to him.

He slides down to the floor back against the wall, repeatedly shaking his head saying no over and over. This is going to take more than usual grounding, being naked won’t help. I wrap the sheet around me, speaking slowly and in a calm tone. 

“Dean you are in the bunker, remember you’ve been home for months now. Try to focus on my voice, feel the wall against your back. Open your eyes please, that's it good. Check your surroundings, tell me what you are seeing.”

“I’m in the basement, my clothes are gone, he took them,” he stutters out.

“Dean can you hear me?” he nods. “Okay good, I need you to focus, can you see the color of the walls here, they are blue and there are items hanging on the walls. Do you recognize any of them?”

He starts looking around blinking, “Yeah I see them, it's my weapons and there is a bed.” His eyes start to focus now he is looking right at me instead of through me. 

“Hey there, it's ok you’re safe with me,” I whisper to him. Standing slowly I pick up his bathrobe, making sure not to block the exit. Carefully I walk towards him holding the robe out to him. He takes it, then as he always does he opens the door. He needs to see that he can leave the room, he is not trapped. Sometimes he will step outside the room and come back in, this time seeing the door open is enough for him. He steps up to me places his head on my chest, wraps his arms around me. 

“It’s ok, do you want to sit down?” I ask him. He nods, I lead him to sit on the bed with me. For several minutes we just sit there holding each other without talking. He talks first, he is mumbling so it's hard to hear him clearly but it’s what he always says.

“There is nothing to apologize for, you did nothing wrong. I’m willing to wait till you are ready,” I reassure him. He is the one always wanting to try, or I would wait. He wants me to just keep going for as long as he can handle it. Got farther today than before, today the boxers came off. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask.

“I don’t know how to explain it, I know I’m not dirty but I still feel like I am. The feeling gets stronger when I know you can see me naked. Then thinking about you putting your mouth on me when I’m so dirty, makes me feel guilty. As if I’m poisoning you. I’m sure this doesn’t make any sense,” he explains.

“Your not dirty, I don’t know how to convince you,” I respond.

**“Castiel I need to speak to you both.”**

Turning around looking all around the room trying to find where the voice is coming from.

_ Who is this? _

 

Dean P.O.V

 

Suddenly Cas stopped speaking starts searching the room for something. “Cas are you ok?” I ask him.

His eyes start to glow head falls back, and a bright light enters him through his mouth. Why would he allow an angel to possess him? Running to my dresser, grabbing the angel blade. Not that I’m going to use it, Cas is in there.

“Who are you? Get out of him now!” I order.

Cas’s fingers snap suddenly we are both dressed, then Sam, Jody, and Donna appear in the room also.

“What the hell are we doing in here?” Sam asks looking at Cas.

“That’s not Cas!” I shout before any of them approach him.

“Dean Castiel is fine, he is in here also listening, I needed to speak to all of you. Talking directly to you would have killed you. I was given permission from Castiel to use his vessel, not permanently. Once we are done speaking I'll leave him,” mystery angel in Cas says.

“How do I know you're telling the truth?” I ask.

“Oh, let me show you,” he responds. 

Suddenly I know he is telling the truth, this is God. I’m not sure if I should kneel or bow or yell at him. Everyone is shocked, Sam looks like he is going to faint, he never lost faith in God. 

“Dean you don’t have to kneel standing is fine. You have no idea how valuable you are to me.”

“Me? Are you sure?” I ask dumbfounded. 

“Yes, I’ve been waiting for this moment for thousands of years. You are one of my most precious and loved creations. I’ve been telling all the angels about you for hundreds of years. You are going to do amazing things,” God responds.

He walks closer to me, places his palm on my cheek. A feeling of warmth spreads through me, it's almost overwhelming. My eyes widen shocked I have to remind myself to start breathing again.

_ What was that? _

“That was a small fraction of the love I feel for you. I know you have been struggling recently. It is important for you to know you’re pure and valued. I’m going to show you all something, please stand together facing me,” God tells me.

We all move next to each other, God raises his hand brushes his fingertips across each of our foreheads. Each of us in order of his touch falls to the ground in shock. It's a bright light that feels warm, loving, comfortable, and pure. Honestly, I'd be happy to stay in it forever, so soothing. Then it is gone we all let out sounds of disappointment and stumble back to our feet.

“What was that,” I stutter out.

“That Dean is your soul, that’s what I see and feel looking at you,” God says with a smile on his face.

Shocked, my eyes widen. 

_How can that be? All the things I’ve done._

“Aw Dean you really don’t see yourself clearly, now you know the truth. I created you, knowing all you would do and will do. Your soul will always remain pure.” He is right that deep feeling of dirty/tainted disappeared. A weight removed leaving me feeling light and free.

“Good, now that you see yourself clearer there are other things to discuss,” God announces.

“Wait, what about Cas, did um did he see it?” I ask.

_ I need him to know I’m pure, even though he said I’m not dirty, the need for him to see is strong. _

“He more than saw it because he is an angel he was able to feel and see the full effect. In fact, he is still relaxing in it, and will at any time be able to feel it. Dean before I showed him he already knew of your pure and beautiful soul. Do you think it was a coincidence he was sent to rescue you from hell? No I’ve known since before I created you, you both are soul mates. It’s rare with angels but as you know Castiel is not th _e_ usual angel,” He says with an adoring smile aimed towards me.

_ He really does love me. _

“Yeah he definitely isn’t, that’s one thing that’s great about him,” I respond.

God laughs, “I’ve always loved your sense of humor.”

_ Why did he allow what happened to me if I’m so valuable? _

“Dean I couldn't stop it, every scenario I tried turned out with a worse outcome,” God says sadness overcoming his face.

_ What could possibly be worse than what happened? _

“I can show you if you would like,” God offers. I nod giving my permission. 

He places two fingers on my forehead. Images flash through my head, horrible images. Unable to control it tears start falling, he is right I would take six months of torture over this. He removes his hand, waits for me to compose myself.

“Do you see now?” God, asks me.

“Yes I do, thank you so much. I’d rather those six months happened than that,” I declare. 

He nods. “So getting to business. You all are important, your whole lives have been moving towards your destiny,” He walks up to Sam places his hand on his head.

“Sam, you need to know some information. You never would have turned evil, no matter how much demon blood you drank even if you never stopped. It's not in you, your soul can’t be tainted. Those abilities were not because of the demon blood, they were gifts from me. You don’t need demon blood for them either, and they never left you. They will be needed in the future. It’s important that you start practicing, and getting them strong again. There is so much more you can do with them, I created you with them for a reason.” Sam is crying, his fear of becoming evil that has taunted him for years removed.

Next God walks up to Jody and Donna. “You both are also precious to me, strong independent smart woman. Your bravery, and ability to keep others calm with your never-ending love will be the most important part of this team. They will all need you, let me show you.” He places one hand over each heart, they start glowing. Both of the girl's eyes widen smiles of tranquility form on their faces. “I gave you each something that will help,” he says.

“What do you mean team?” I ask.

He holds out his hand palm up, in it are five rings. Please hold out your hands, we all do as asked including Cas. Suddenly we each have a ring on our fingers, they all have a different color stone. “Those need to stay on, never take them off. You will need them in the future, If you remove them and don’t have them when needed it could mean death. They will not hurt you and are not able to control you, they are for protection. Under no circumstance take them off. Not even at home, do you all understand?” He questions. We all nod, he looks into each of our eyes reading us, maybe to see if we really do understand. 

“Dean, all but two of those people the demon killed were taken to heaven including the witch, and the people involved in delivering the pictures to Sam. I thought you would like to know, they are all at peace, and don’t blame you at all. Actually, they are very happy now,” He informs me.

“I didn’t know witches go to heaven I thought they go to purgatory, and why did two not go to heaven?” I ask confused.

_ I hope that didn’t come out sounding rude. _

“Most witches don’t get into heaven usually that is because of how they use or got their magic, but this one was good, and she offered to take your place. She meant it and would have done it too. The two that didn’t get into heaven is because I don’t accept child rapist into heaven no matter what, no exceptions,” He says answering my question.

“One more thing before I leave, and I will be contacting you all.” Suddenly Cas’s shoulders roll back before large beautiful golden wings appear behind him. His entire body begins glowing till light flows out of him, then he drops to his knees.

“Dean?” Cas asks.

I rush over to him kneeling next to him. “Cas is that you?” He nods.

“What just happened?” I ask. 

  
  


Cas P.O.V

 

“That was Father, he asked me if he could use my vessel to speak to all of us. Dean, I couldn’t say no, it is a great honor to be Father’s vessel. I didn’t have time to tell you what was happening but I knew you would be safe,” responding to Dean.

I look into Dean’s face place my palm on his cheek, “Now you know how I see you,” I tell him.

Dean throws his arms around my neck, pulls my lips down to his. Kisses me hard with passion, pulling him closer I kiss back with as much intensity. We both stop at the sound of clapping and hollering. Turning to look towards the sound, I forgot we were not alone. Dean’s face flushes then he giggles, realizing he giggled he quickly covers his mouth, he is so adorable.  

“Cas do you know anything about these rings?” Sam asks me saving Dean some embarrassment ignoring his giggle.

Looking at my hand for the first time since Father left, the ring looks to be made of white gold or platinum. Each has a stone of different colors, mine is blue, Dean is green, Donna is orange, Jody is purple and Sam’s is white. On the sides is inscribed, “manu militari.”

“The inscription means, ‘With a military hand,’ in Latin, I’m assuming that means we are an army or soldiers for the Lord,” I tell them.

“What do they do?” Jody questions.

“I don’t know, all he told me is that we would find out soon. Nothing more, I couldn’t hear his thoughts unless he directed them to me,” responding to her question.

“Okay, did you notice you have wings again?” Dean asks me.

“I felt them but didn’t see them, do you mind me looking?” I ask.

“Not at all they’re beautiful.”

Freeing my wings, they are almost twice the size as before and now they are golden. I can feel my grace is much stronger than ever before. Dean reaches out gently caressing my wing, causing me to moan. He quickly pulls his hand away with a worried look on his face.

“You didn’t hurt me, in fact, the opposite,” I lean towards him, “It's extremely gratifying,” I whisper. 

“Oh, I’ll have to remember that,” Dean says with a sexy grin.

“Ahem we are still here,” Sam announces.

“Sam are you ok?” Dean asks.

“Are you crazy, I’m better than ok. I just learned I’m not evil, won't become evil and have been blessed with physic abilities by God himself. Can’t get any better,” Sam responds.

“Anyone know what God meant about us being a team,” Donna asks.

Everyone shakes their heads. 

“Ok God said he gave you both gifts do you know what he meant?”

“He gave me the ability to detect lies, and also to know a person’s true intentions,” Donna responds.

“I can now see into anyone’s soul to see it's purity level, and see their past actions showing them either being a blessing or a curse to others. I’m hoping that doesn’t mean actual images of their evil deeds conducted,” Jody answers.

When Jody looks at us all, she smiles a warm loving smile. “You can see their souls now can’t you,” I ask her. She nods, this must be overwhelming to all of them.

“Okay so do you both want to be driven home now or Cas can now fly you home. You can also stay, I’m not sure what is going to happen after this but if you need to get back we can always call you,” Dean says grinning. I can feel his happiness and excitement, learning you are important to God has to be uplifting.

They both agree they need to go home, both can’t just leave work without notice. After I take them home and come back, Dean, Sam and I sit in the library. Sam is researching the rings, I’ve never seen them before, It's possible Father created them at that moment.

“Hey I just had a thought, should we call Crowley to get help finding the demons?” Sam asks.

“I doubt he will be willing and he would have to be told, who and why,” Dean replied.

“We could try just saying who and not why. We have a first name. I haven’t been able to find a different way to find them,” Sam responds.

“I know,” Dean growls out. 

“It’s up to you Dean, we can’t make the choice for you,” I tell him.

Dean huffs, closing his eyes wiping his hands down his face. I would rather find a different way also but if he wants to hunt them down I don’t see a different way. We all want to hunt them down, but really it's up to Dean.

“Fine call him, just give the name,” Dean says.

Sam pulls his phone out, dial’s and puts the phone on speaker phone. After 4 rings Crowley answers, “Moose, I’m busy what do you want?” 

“There is a demon named Xavier I would like the whereabouts of,” Sam answers.

“Aw the demon that tamed and road your brother more than a horse in the Kentucky Derby,” Crowley said in an amused voice.

“Crowley, can you give him to me or not?” Sam demands.

“Now what kind of king would I be if I start turning demons over to the Winchesters,” Crowley asks.

“What will it take, what do you want?” Sam asks.

“Um let's see start with the demon knife and the Angel suppressing sigil from the angel tablet.” Crowley lists.

“The demon knife, never gonna happen. What do you need with an angel suppressing sigil?”

“What I need it for is none of your business,” Crowley insisted.

“If your planning on killing an angel then yes it is,” Sam demanded.

“Oh you're worried about your angel, no worries feathers is safe from me,” Crowley responded.

“Why don’t I believe you?” Dean asked.

“Squirrel you able to walk yet,” Crowley taunts.  

“Damn it Crowley are you going to give them to us or not?”

“Them? That I can’t do, giving up that many to the Winchesters would cause a rebellion,”

“Did he just hang up?” Dean shouts.

  
  



	17. Chapter 17

Sam P.O.V

It's been three weeks we have read every book in the bunker, there is no way to summon a specific demon. We are all frustrated and tired, except Cas he doesn’t get tired. All of us have decided to take a day off from the hunt, Dean really needs some time off. I hope he actually takes it, you can see the stress and anger on him all the time. Dean and Cas are in the kitchen, Dean is teaching Cas to cook. Sitting in the library reading when my phone rings.

“Hello?” I say

“Is this Sam Winchester?” Mystery man says.

“Who is this?” I ask.

“Someone that wants to help you,” mystery man responds.

“Help with what?” I question.

“I hear there are some demons you're looking for,” mystery man says.

“And you what?” I ask.

“I can give them to you, meet me,” mystery man answers.

“Why should I trust you?” I ask.

“Understandable, let's meet in a very public area, there is a mall close by, it's the Madison mall, heard of it?” Mystery man asks.

“Yes, when?” I ask.

“Let's say three hours, bring holy water and devil’s trap cuffs if you feel more comfortable,” mystery man replies.

“Fine three hours,” I say.

Hanging up, this seems off but in public and with an angel we should be safe enough. Walking into the kitchen to speak to Dean and Cas brings a smile to my face, they are both covered in flour.

“Food fight again?” I ask.

They both turn their heads and grin at me.

“What's up?” Dean asks.

After I explain the call to them, we all decide it's worth the risk. With a three hours meeting time, we have plenty of time to check the place for traps first. Getting to the mall in 30 minutes we search, doesn’t appear to be any tricks, the place is packed too. Should be safe enough, too many witnesses to cause a scene. Standing in front of the main entrance, a homeless man steps towards me. Placing a few dollars in his cup, he looks me right in the eyes. Black eyes flashing back, he removes his dirty shabby jacket under he has on clean nice clothes.

"You ready, there is a coffee shop right inside," holding up the cup raising one eyebrow he says, “It’s on me,” then smiles. Dean rolls his eyes, I already don’t like this guy and it has nothing to do with his demon status. Following him inside, he sits at a table big enough for the 4 of us. When a waitress walks up I’m shocked with how nice he is to her. He must have noticed the odd look we all gave him.

“They work hard and deserve respect,” mystery demon says.

"Um, I agree, just surprised you care,” I respond.

“Oh I know all demons are evil really Sam stereotyping,” he responds.

_Not sure what to say when reprimanded by a demon, leaving that one alone for now._

“Ok, so you have an offer to make us,” I ask trying to move this along.

Coffee delivered and the waitress receiving a generous tip from the semi-non evil demon.

“Yes I have a deal I'd like to make, here read this,” the demon says placing an old piece of paper in front of us.

Picking up a piece of paper, it looks like a note very old note. Reading it over I’m shocked, how is this possible. Passing it over to Dean and Cas to read also. Once done we are all surprised.

_This has my phone number on it too!_

“Where did you get this?” I ask.

“That I've had for almost one hundred years, my mother gave that to me before I died. She was a seer now most are called physic but still, she saw the future. When She became sick and died three months later I sold my soul to a demon in exchange for her life. I got to spend ten years with her, I never told her about the deal I made. The day before my contract was up, she gave me that letter told me to lock it up. Somewhere it would be secure for generations. She told me when it needed to be retrieved and read, that day was four days ago. Now I know she knew about the deal, and that I would be top side by this time."

"You and your team are going to cause a lot of damage to demonkind, I want no part of it. I just want out of all of it, I want to live a quiet life. Away from demons and hell. I don’t find joy in terrorizing humans, I don’t cry over it either. Really I just want to be left alone, I won’t kill humans or bother them at all.”

“How do we know you won’t be out there killing and hurting humans. If and I mean if we are going to be damaging demon kind we can’t leave you alone to be top dog.”

“Ah see you would have a guarantee I won’t be up here causing problems because you are going to cure me. I’ve heard there is a cure for demons cure me, and you can let me go live as a human. I give you what you want and you give me what I want, no one gets hurts except demons.”

“How do we know this isn't a trick to get to us?” Dean asks.

The demon signs, and rolls his eyes. He lifts his hand towards one of the workers behind the counter. The worker flys back hitting the wall just hard enough to stumble.

“Hey that’s not necessary,” He ignores me then turns towards me. waves his hand the same way at me. Dean jumps up ready to attack the guy when nothing happens he sits back down confused. I’m still sitting here, not thrown across the room, nothing happened.

“See for some reason demonic powers don’t work on any of your team anymore,” he tells us.

We are all confused.

“Did you read the whole letter, it's there on the bottom?” he asks pointing at the letter still on the table in front of us.

Picking it back up, at the bottom in very small print it says: They are immune to demonic abilities, you can not overpower them.

“She didn’t put on there how you're immune, she didn’t know everything. She was very powerful but not all knowing.”

“How can you get us the demons we are looking for?” Dean asks.

“I know their hangout, I can show you. You can stake the place out, while they are gone set up devil traps then take them down. Their powers won’t work on you, I’ll even help you as long as you make sure to get them all. I don’t want a price on my head if they are all dead no one has to know I helped,” he says.

“As if we would work with you,” Dean says. His hostility is understandable, I don’t trust demon either, and if what happened to Dean happened to me I definitely wouldn’t.

“That’s what the devil trap cuffs are for, keep them on me till we get to them. Take them off of me to help, and put them back on to cure me,” he responds.

“Give us a minute to talk,” I tell him he nods while sipping his coffee. We all move about 20 feet away to talk this over.

“Cas, is there any way you can read his mind to verify he is telling the truth?” I ask.

“I should be able to if he allows me to it will be easier and give more information,” he responds.

“Ok so if he does and he is telling the truth, What do you guys want to do,” I ask.

“If he is telling the truth I say let’s do this. Take these demons out, and cure another,” Dean replies.

“What’s he talking about us destroying demonkind?” Dean asks.

“No idea, he doesn’t seem to know either,” I answer.

“Ok Cas, after you check if he is telling the truth he comes with us,” I say. They both nod, we walk back over to the demon.

“Ok demon, Cas is going to read you first and if it all checks out you can come with us. Is that ok with you?” I inform and ask.

“First of all my name is not demon it is Thomas and your feather friend can check me all he likes,” he says as he tilts his head towards Cas.

Cas places his hand on top of Thomas’s head, after a few seconds he lets go nods to us.

“He is telling the truth, even the part about wanting to live a normal human life. He wants to be a writer in fact,” Cas says.

“Writer nice, is that what you did before you died?” I ask him.

He smiles, “Yes, I loved it. I wrote..” He responds before Dean cuts him off.

“Don’t become friends with the demon!” Dean says with an annoyed look on his face.

“Alright let’s go,” Dean says.

We all go out to the parking lot, Thomas follows holds up his wrists when we get to the Impala. Thomas whistles, “wow she is beautiful, I’ve heard of her. Funny thing is most demons are actually scared of her. We all know with her comes the Winchesters, they won’t admit it but they all leave town if they see one,” Thomas tells us laughing. This causes Dean to laugh and smile at Thomas. Dean pats Thomas on the back, then cuffs him before letting him in the back seat.

_Hey, what happened to not becoming friends with the demon._

 

Dean P.O.V

 

Not wanting to take Thomas to the bunker we get a motel room near the demon hideout. Called Jody and Donna they arrived yesterday night, after eating we decided to get a nights rest before working on the plan. Cas watched over Thomas even with the cuffs on I didn’t feel safe. Waking up this morning with Cas holding me was nice, it's been days since we have been able to just lay together. Jody and Donna keep smirking at us and saying aww for no reason I can find. I guess we are “cute” together. I expected some dumb ass remark from the demon, oh I mean Thomas but nothing, no odd looks or comments.

After eating donuts, and drinking coffee Donna was nice enough to get us we sit down to talk about a plan.

“First we need to stake the hideout, learn their patterns. Check the layout, make sure there are not innocents either. What is the address?” I ask Thomas.

“I don’t know the exact address but I know where it is, it's a farmhouse outside of town. There is a big barn, windmill and water pump outside. If we drive by I can point it out,” he tells us.

“Ok well, we can’t make a plan really till we check the place out,” I say.

“There are a few things we can talk about first,” Sam says.

“Ok shoot,” I say.

“First do we kill them all right away or torture some, what do you want?” He asks.

“There is only two I don’t want to be killed immediately. Xavier and the other I don’t know the name, if he is still using the same vessel then I’ll know him,” Cas makes eye contact, I know what he is asking. “Yes that one, He needs to suffer,” Cas nods. I knew he would agree with me.

“Ok, what does he look like,” Jody asks.

“He is tall, skinny, long nose, brown hair with a scar across his upper chest. Looks like a knife sliced him across the chest from one shoulder to the other. I’m assuming the vessel host is dead,” I tell them.

“That’s another issue what do you want to be done if any of the hosts could be alive still,” Sam asks.

Of course, he had to ask that, the one issue I wanted to avoid. I want them all dead but I don’t want to kill innocent people. None can be let go or exercised. Stuck I’m not sure how to respond. “Honestly I haven’t decided on what to do then,” I despise telling them.

“Based on appearance all but three I can confirm were in dead vessels from my memory,” Cas informs us all.

“Let's hope they haven’t jumped vessels then,” Sam says.

“What do you think about squirt guns with holy water in them, like those super soakers?” Donna asks.

“That’s a great idea,” I tell her smiling.

_She really is great to be around, the perfect amount of happy, kind, and kick ass._

Cas grins at me, must have gotten the general idea of my thoughts. He must be thinking something along the lines of telling her that at some point. Maybe I will someday.

“Ok so, case the place, get the squirt guns ready, have plenty of salt and spray paint. More pairs of devil trap handcuffs and of course the demon blade. Thomas are you ready to show us where this place is?” I ask.

“Yes let’s do this, sooner this is done the sooner I can start living,” he announces.

About thirty minutes later driving down what looks like a deserted dirt road we finally come up to an old farmhouse. Looks like it hasn’t been inhabited in decades, the place is falling apart. Driving right by without stopping, Thomas confirms that is the correct house. Going back to the motel to get supplies, and get everyone together. Once back at the motel Donna and Jody have all the supplies we need including water and snacks.

We watch for twelve hours before any activity happens at the house. Cas has transported everyone but me several times back and forth to rest or use the restroom. I have refused each time, I can’t leave if I miss them just cause I had to pee I would be angry. As soon as I see Xavier Cas has to hold me back before I rush in there shooting. It wouldn’t hurt him but It may make me feel better for the moment. They seem to spend their days there and nights out, I see them dragging someone in the house looks like a teenage male, seeing that enrages me.

“We can’t wait they could kill him or worse before we get in there, we have to go now!” I enthusiastically tell them.

“I agree, we can’t wait,” Sam states.

“Ok so Cas, Thomas and I go to the front door, Donna, Jody, and Sam go to the back door. There are two already out the back, neither are the ones I want to be kept alive they can be killed,” I tell them.

“What about the hosts?” Sam asks.

“There is someone’s life at risk, we can’t worry about that right now. If it's possible to check first then check but if the innocent's life is in danger take them out.” I tell him.

Everyone nods, I remove the cuffs from Thomas and Cas hands Donna, Jody an angel blade. Sam has the demon blade, we have Cas’s angel blade and a demon. We move out, quietly sneaking to the house. As we come to the door three come outside, Cas takes two down quickly and quietly. I kill the third with the angel blade. If Sam’s team took out the two in the back 5 down should only be 6 left. Getting inside fighting can already be heard. One demon enters the kitchen we came in through, spraying him with holy water before Cas takes him down. The next room is where Sam and the girls are fighting, they are holding their own. The demon at the top of the stairs waves his arm to throw us at the wall, shocked face when It doesn’t work.

I smile and say, “Awe, are your powers not working.” Shooting him with holy water, moving closer as he is screaming covering his face. When I get close I cuff him, him I want to take my time with. “Thomas stay with him please,” I ask.

“Sure thing,” he says as he kicks him in the side, that’s fine with me.

“Hey get a few good kicks in for me while he waits for me,” I say. Thomas just smiles and nods, as I move up the stairs I can hear the kicking continuing. Cas is right behind me, the sounds of fighting have stopped downstairs.

Sam calls up, “We are all ok, all are dead.”

Not all there is still one more left!

At the top of the stairs is three doors, Cas and I check the first room. Sam and the girls check the second. None of us are going into a room alone. The third room we all go into. There is Xavier holding a knife up the throat of a scared kid, he looks to be only fourteen years old.

“Don’t move any closer, I will slice him ear to ear,” he shouts. The kid is terrified! Tears rolling down his face, I understand that fear.

“Are you scared of me,” I ask in a mocking tone.

“Ha you,” He says. He turns looking at Cas.

“Did he tell you how he begged to be fucked every day. How he moaned and screamed. Huh did he? Did you tell him what a dirty whore you are?” He directs his last question to me.

I laugh, “I am in no way a dirty whore or stupid or worthless or anything else you told me,” I tell him enjoying the shocked look on his face.

“No, No that’s not possible,” he rages out.

“You didn’t consider me having an angel around did you? Ruines your plan, makes your spell ineffective?”

“That doesn’t matter, even wiping the memory shouldn’t work,” he shouts voice sounding panicky.

As he is distracted, Donna is able to get closer. She sprays him in the face he flinches back arms going up to cover his face. That’s when Cas grabs the kid, puts him to sleep for now. Sam lunges forward putting the cuffs on one Xavier's wrist, Xavier's eyes widen. He pulls fighting to get it off yelling no repeatedly.

“Thomas, will you bring our other guest up here please?” I ask loudly.

Thomas and tall fuck as I named him before appear up here right away. I walk over to him, Thomas steps back looking scared. “Cas could you check his vessel please,” I ask. As Cas is checking I can hear Xavier struggling then a thudding sound. Turning to see Xavier laying on the floor causes me to laugh.

“This vessel is dead,” Cas informs me.

“Thank you,” I say reaching out to hold Cas’s hand. Cas smiles at me as if we are the only two in the room. Looking into his eyes brings me joy and peace, they are so beautiful. Interrupted by someone clearing their throat I look up to see Sam smiling but trying to act annoyed.

“Look at that, Did he tell you how many times I fucked him. How many cocks he sucked, your only getting sloppy seconds?” Xavier says in a mocking tone.

Cas moves quickly kicks Xavier repeatedly before leaning down saying, “First of all none of you fucked him, you all raped him. Second of all nothing you all did in any way change my feelings for him physically or emotionally. Third, he didn’t have to tell me, I saw it all as I went into each and every memory. Overlapping every single word you said to him, changing his memories to me with soft touches and loving words. Nothing you did stuck all your work for nothing. After you are dead, no one will think about you again. You will be remembered as that dumb demon that dared to mess with the Winchesters and got not only himself but all his friends killed for it. You will be the joke of hell, a warning story to all demons from now on,” Cas says grinning.

“Oh yeah, I still have a copy of that video,” he says smirking.

Cas reaches over places his hand on his head, turns to Dean. “It's in his pocket, only copy,” he says shaking his head at the stupidity of this demon.

Xavier growls, “So what now you torture and fuck me, get me back?”

I walk up to him, with anger in my eyes. Stepping close to him I whisper to him. “No not at all, you are not worth the time or effort. You are too pathetic to spare any more time or thoughts on,” I say as I stab him with the demon blade. His eyes widen before light flashes in them dropping down to the floor.

Turning to the last one, he looks scared. He is trying to hide it but when I laugh he knows he isn’t doing a good job of hiding it. As a last ditch effort, he drops to his knee begs for his life.

“Look at that, the only thing I wanted from you before killing you. To see you on your knees begging just as you forced me. Thanks for making that quicker, really considerate. Anyone of you can go ahead and kill him, I’m bored of him,” I say waving my hand in his direction as I reach for Cas’s hand leading him out of the room.

Everyone was nice enough to handle the clean up while Cas and I spent time together sitting in “Baby” talking.

“I thought you wanted them to suffer?” Cas asks me.

"I did at first but then I thought, how much worse can I make them feel by treating them as too worthless to even torture. Destroy their pride first, anyone can take a knife or beating but to be treated worthless that hurts more.”

“That makes sense, so what now?” Cas asks.

“Not sure, continue with therapy and maybe start to get back into hunting. Easy jobs, no end of the world issues right now so it should almost be like a vacation.”

“That’s true, just in case though I’d like to take you on a real vacation before the next end of the world issue comes up,” Cas tells me.

“Oh yeah where do you want to take me?” I ask.

“I was thinking somewhere I can get you into swim trunks,” he says smirking at me.

“I do look hot in them,” I respond grinning.

“I’m sure you do,” he says caressing my cheek with his palm before he leans over kissing me in the back seat. I pull him closer kissing him harder while flipping him over to lay on top of him.

 


	18. Chapter 18

 Dean P.O.V

Mrs. Navarou invites Cas and me in, it has been a month since we killed the demons, cured Thomas. The last two appointments we talked about the hunt, and how getting revenge helped or didn't help with recovery. She was impressed when I told her there was no torture involved, said it is a good sign that I didn't allow my anger to take me to that dark place.

_Really at first, I didn't think I would care what she thought but actually, I was really proud of myself and happy she wasn't disappointed in me._

Unfortunately, Daniel the young man we rescued from Xavier had already been held by him in another location for the previous month. Turns out he is actually a short skinny 18 years old, I referred him to see Mrs. Navarou for therapy. We have met up a few times for lunch to talk since we understand each other's pain. He is a bright funny man, I hope he gets past this. I don't know everything that was done to him just as he doesn't know everything about my experience either but we know there is enough commonality. 

"So Dean, Cas since I saw you last have there been any problems or anything you need to talk about?" she asks.

Thinking over the question I can't think of anything specific. She always checks and If we don't have a preference we go with whatever she planned in advance.

"Cas how about you, you seem anxious?" She questions him with a concerned look on her face.

Looking over at Cas I can see what she is talking about, his legs are bouncing. His body fidgeting, he is watching his hands, he looks sad.  
Concerned I reach out to him, entwining my fingers with his.

"Are you Ok?"

"Um I think I need to apologize to Dean," he says keeping his eyes down not looking at me.

Mrs. Navarou is quietly watching, I think this is her way of making it easier for Cas to open up.

"Cas what could you possibly have done to be sorry about?" I ask confused.

When he does look up for a second, our eyes lock I see pain, and shame in them.

_What could he have done?_

He takes a deep breath, places his hand on his knee's in an attempt to stop them from moving.

"I didn't realize what I did was wrong at the time but looking back now I see It wasn't my place. Throughout all the sessions not only did we remove the beliefs the demon forced on you but also all of your past self-esteem issues. We were able to remove your guilt for all the deaths you were not responsible for. I thought I was helping, really I did, I'm sorry."

_What is he talking about?_

"You're sorry that you helped me? I'm confused Cas," questioning him.

"No, I'm sorry because in the memories I told you it is ok to ask for help from others and It is ok to express your thoughts, feelings. I altered your personality, that is not acceptable.

"Cas, I don't understand what the problem is," I tell him.

"Before the sessions and kidnapping, you fought hard anytime someone tried to get you to talk about your feelings and thoughts. You always hid your pain pretending you were, 'Fine.' Now you are open, you express your feelings, concerns, thoughts, and pain. You are allowing everyone a view into you that you have never previously."

"And you think that is bad?" I ask.

"Not at all, I think it is amazing but it's not you. I changed you without considering how wrong it was. I had no right to force those beliefs on you. Those beliefs were a part of you, now you are only open because I used the spell against you. I am so sorry please forgive me, If you want we can go back into the last few memories, and I will take those beliefs out."

He says all of this looking down, I can still see the creases next to his eyes telling me he is squeezing them shut. I am assuming to prevent tears from falling.

"Cas I'm not mad at you yes you are right before all of this I was closed off. I had barriers in front of my barriers, I avoided any and all things emotional. What you did for me is a blessing, yes I understand I feel this way because of a spell but at the same time, I feel lighter. The reason I was so closed off before is not because I wanted to be, I was scared of others reactions. I didn't want anyone to see me as weak. I'm sure if the kidnapping didn't happen I would be the same, but what you need to know is before the kidnapping I was also miserable, I felt alone, everything was hopeless," I say.

"I'm not unhappy with the changes in me, I am now the person I have always wanted to be but was too scared to be. You were right, it is not a bad thing to open up or ask for help. That is not the just spell forcing me to believe that, yes that belief is there now because of you but the experiences after that proved them to me also. With or without the spell I know my opinion would have changed just from the relief I felt from being open, accepting help."

"Now not only is the spell telling me these things are true, but so are my daily experiences. The ability to allow my feelings out, and not be scared is one of the best gifts I can think of."

Cas is still looking down, hiding his face. I reach over lifting his chin so he looks at me. I still see shame and guilt in them.

"Still, It was wrong of me to do that," he whimpers out.

"Yes, you are right it was wrong, it was not your place to make those choices for me. I'm not angry for all the reasons I said just now, but I do understand it was wrong. Since it was me that was wronged then it is me that gets to decide how to react to it. You see what you did, you understand it, you did not intend to do it. I do not have any fears you will do it again. What I'm trying to say is I forgive you completely. Not just because I am enjoying the results, but because I trust you. I see how sorry you really are, Cas I love you so much!"

Squeezing his hand he moves closer to me, rests his head on my shoulder.

I put my arm around his waist give a quick squeeze.

"Do you want to go back in and change those beliefs back?" he asks.

"No, I don't but thank you for being willing to do that all again," I respond.

"There is something else I need to apologize for," he mumbles out.

_What could possibly be so bad to cause the large amounts of shame and fear coming from him?_

He closes his eyes draws in a deep breath before stutter out, "During that last memory, I experienced sexual desire. I need you to know it was not because of what I was seeing or hearing. I tried to fight it, I'm so sorry. I don't enjoy watching those kinds of things really I don't."

Now I can see tears dripping down, hitting his pants. Reaching over I wrap my arm around him. Covering his hand with my own, pulling him in for a hug.

"Cas I'm not upset with you for that. I know you were only reacting to the physical sensations you could feel from me. I saw you fighting against it, I wasn't angry about it then and I'm still not now. You had no control over that just like I didn't have any control either. Please don't beat yourself up over something you can't control and wasn't your fault."

"Cas can you tell us how you are feeling right now," Mrs. Navarou asks in true therapist fashion.

"Scared," is his response.

What are you scared of?" she inquires.

"I am scared Dean will think I am like those disgusting demons, that I feel sexual pleasure or any pleasure to violence or rape," he mumbles out between staggered breaths.

"Cas place your hand on my head for a minute please," once he places his hand on my head I concentrate on my feelings for him. I focus on the mental image of him in my head, how I see him.

"Cas please read my mind, that is what I think about you and feel for you." Holding him close I can feel his body trembling, he pulls me in tighter. He repeatedly says thank you, I love you.

Moving back enough to see his face, I have to lift his chin up to see his eyes. They are red, tears escaping them with a sad expression filling them. I use my hands to wipe the tears off his face as I'm caressing his cheeks. Smiling at him I send him all the love I feel for him. He closes his eyes lets out a heavy sigh.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of, you experienced sexual desire for your boyfriend. Not because of the situation causing your boyfriend sexual desire."

"Do you still have that fear?" I ask.

Shaking his head, he responds, "No."

"I love you, please let's move past this, can you do that?" I question.

Resting my forehead against his, looking into his eyes he nods.

"I can do that, I love you too," he answers.

Pressing my lips to his in a gentle chaste kiss full of love. We both sigh then smile at each other.

 

 

On the drive home, Cas and I hold hands listening to music, I love hearing him sing along. Plus It drives Sammy nuts. When my phone rings I turn down the music.

"Hello."

"Dean...Dean, you need to come back please I need you, hurry, please."

"Hold on, Mrs. Navarou is this you?"

"Yes help, please." Mrs. Navarou says in a panicked voice.

"Slow down, what is wrong?" I ask.

Cas takes the phone puts it on speaker while I make a quick u-turn. She has never called before, something must be wrong.

"I don't know exactly, my next client came in for her first appointment. When I invited her into the office she stepped in but couldn't move from the doorway. Its that thing you put on the ceiling, she is very angry. She keeps threatening me, you need to hurry. Please, I don't want to die or be possessed," she says.

"OK, take a deep breath. I'm only about ten more minutes away. Do you still have the salt I left there?" I question.

"Yes," she responds gasping for air.

_Must be crying._

"OK make a circle and stand inside of it. Do not leave it for any reason. Do you understand?" I ask.

"Yes, yes I do ok doing that now." A few seconds later she says. "OK, I'm in the circle. Dean, I'm scared, she is saying the most horrible things."

"I know that's what they do try to ignore her, keep talking to us. We will be there in five minutes, you're doing great. Keep talking to me, tell me something not too personal about your self. Nothing about your family, don't give the demon anything to use against you. How about this, what is your favorite book?" I ask in an attempt to calm her.

"What?" she questions in a surprised tone.

"Just to distract you, so what is your favorite book?" I repeat my question.

"OH um, it is, "Harry Potter," she responds.

"Really I have a friend that talks non-stop about Harry Potter. How many times have you read it?"

"I'm not sure, at least 30 times and I've seen the movies at least 20 times each," she replies, her breathing has calmed down.

"WoW, you were not kidding," I say letting a small laugh out.

She lets out a nervous laugh.

"You're doing great we are pulling into the parking lot now," I tell her.

Stopping we both jump out and run to the building. Once inside, there is a nice looking woman standing in the doorway to her office. The secretary is hiding under her desk.

"Ah, Winchester, I've heard so much about you. From the rumors going around Hell, you are one Hell of a fuck. How about you let me out of this thing and we can play. I can make you cry and scream too," the demon says as she laughs.

Not acknowledging her, "Cas can you check her vessel, please." He walks up to her not bothered at all as she is hitting him. Places his hand on her head.

"Dean this vessel is still alive," he says.

"Ok put her to sleep please," I tell him.

He places two fingers on her forehead, she drops to the floor.

"I don't understand why did you put her to sleep?" Mrs. Navarou asks.

So she can't kill the host before we exercise the demon," I tell her, she nods in understanding.

Cas and I get a chair, tie her up. Throwing holy water on her wakes her up.

She is swearing and yelling throughout the exorcism, it's quick and after the demon is out the host slumps down.

"Is she going to be ok?" Mrs. Navarou asks in concern.

"We won't know till we talk to her," I inform her.

We untie her to lay her down on the sofa, after about an hour she wakes.

"What happened, Oh God what was that?" The host cries out.

Mrs. Navarou approaches slowly, using a soft gentle voice.

"What do you remember?" she asks the host.

_Wow, that's impressive, she is handling this much better than most. Helping others while scared herself._

"I was at home getting ready to leave when this black smoke appeared in the room, then I was stuck in my body. I watched my own body get in the car and drive here. Oh God, the thoughts and images in my head were terrifying," she says sucking in a deep breath.

"It was coming here for you," She says looking at Mrs. Navarou.

"Me why?" Mrs. Navarou asks fear in her eyes as she looks up at me.

"It wants to do the same to therapists, and psychologists that she did to me. Something about rumors that possessing therapists can give you ideas on hurting humans," tears slowly falling down her face as she says this.

_Are you fucking kidding me?_

"Do you know any more about its plans with therapists?" I ask.

"It's not the only one, there are dozens planning on it too," she stutters out.

"GREAT!" taking a deep breath, no need to scare the poor girl more. "Ok thank you,"

I send Cas fear and anger, we will have to figure out how to fight this.

Mrs. Navarou looks at the host then says, "you know you look familiar."

"I'm on T.V. maybe that's why I've been in some movies and done some modeling. I just recently started as a host on a national talk show," she responds. She appears to be calming down. Good thing too me and a crying woman never work out well.

"Oh yeah, I've seen you," Mrs. Navarou says in an excited voice.

"Ladies, nice as this is. There may be another demon that wants to possess you," I say looking at Mrs. Navarou.

"What do I do?" Mrs. Navarou questions fear back in her eyes.

Pulling the neck of my shirt over showing my anti-possession tattoo.

"You need one of these, it prevents demon possession. I suggest you get it right away," I inform her.

"Will you go with me to get it right now, Please I don't want to wait and I'm scared to be alone without it," she asks not making eye contact.

_Looks like Mrs. Navarou needs to work on her issues with asking for help._

"Yes, we will, make some calls find a tattoo shop nearby," I tell her.

She gets up goes to her computer, picks up her phone tells her secretary it was a false alarm. All is ok and to take the rest of the day off.

"Can...Can I go with you to get one too? Please, I don't want to be alone either," the host requests in a timid voice.

"Not a problem, we won't leave you. What is your name by the way?" I question her.

"Georgia Eastman."

"Nice to meet you Georgia, my name is Dean Winchester and this is Castell," I say giving her a smile.

"Yes, it is nice to meet you, Mrs. Eastman."

"Oh please call me Georgia you did save my life after all," she responds.

Cas smiles and nods.

 

It's eight hours later we are back at the bunker after getting both the girls set up with anti-possession tattoos and setting up their houses with salt lines. Teaching them both about demons and placing devil traps around their houses. Mrs. Navarou already has my number if needed so I only had to give Georgia our numbers to call if needed. Both chose to get their tattoos over their hearts, neither caring if others see it. Not as if others will know the meaning behind it.

After explaining the situation to Sam, Kevin, Jody, Thomas, and Donna none of us have any idea what to do. Therapist across the world are in danger. Sadly there is not really anything we can do, not that we are giving up it will just take time to figure something out. Hopefully not to much damage will happen before we find a solution.

 

Dean P.O.V

  
"So so goo good," Cas head is between my legs taking all of me in his mouth. Looking down making eye contact almost takes me over the edge. "Cas stop, I'm not going to last," I tell him gasping for breath.

Cas grins at me moves to lick, sucking marks on my thigh. Grinding against me as he kisses his way up my body, licking my nipples purposely wiggling, rubbing against my cock.

"You are so going to pay for that," I tell him as I flip him over. Not wasting any time moving down his body taking him in my mouth. His back arches as he moans, breathing quickens. I reach for one of his hands gently place it on my head. We have been working on that, for now no grasping my hair or attempting to move my head. Starting out slow. I know he likes it too cause his moans increase and body trembles. Reaching up rolling his nipple between my fingers.

_I want him to look at me._

He looks down strokes my hair, moving it away from my eyes. "Dean, Dean please, you have to stop if you want to attempt..." he says breathlessly.

He is not able to finish his sentence because I take all of him deep and hum. Teasing him a little, then I move back up to his mouth. Pressing my lips to his, combing my fingers through his hair.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Cas questions me.

"Yes, can we please try again?

Last time we tried did not go over well at all, but this time we decided to try instead with Cas as the bottom. I don't know if I will ever be able to bottom. Cas leans over opens the nightstand's drawer taking out the lube. Even though Cas heals quick and can take much more pain then a human I would prefer him to be properly prepared.

Putting a generous amount of lube on my fingers I start with just gently rubbing his opening. Moving from kissing him to licking and sucking his nipples while rubbing. First I insert just the fingertip of one finger slowly in and out. He groans loudly, I pull my hand away quickly, "Are you ok?"

"Yes, that wasn't because of pain, feels so good please keep going." Adding more lube to be safe he is a writhing mess by the time I get to three fingers. Watching him is a huge turn on, he is a sweating, gasping mess. Gripping the sheets he looks into my eyes, "Dean please I need you now please no more teasing"

"Aw, but baby I love seeing you like this," I reply with a cocky grin.

Him whining pushes me to give him what he wants. I can't say no to him. He wraps his legs around my waist as I ease my cock in slowly.

"Please, I can take it just hurry, I need it," Cas begs.

Pushing all the way in we both sigh, leaning up placing a sweet kiss on his lips. After giving him a minute to get used to me I slowly start moving out and rocking back in.

"So so tight, warm Cas I don't think I'm going to last long at all," I tell him. Intense heat building in my stomach pleasure flowing through my body combining with the pleasure flowing out of Cas. I can't stop moaning, Cas wraps his legs around me tighter uses his heels to pull me in deeper. Knowing any second I'm going to cum I reach between us grasp his cock causing him to shout out. Stroking him in pace with thrusting we are both dripping with sweat. Moaning loudly there is no way others are not hearing us.

"Cas, I can't hold out any longer," I tell him.

"No need to," he says as his body shakes, eyes roll back. Mouth falls open as he shouts my name repeatedly.

"Pl...Pl...please look at me, I want to see your eyes when..."

With obvious difficulty to focus, he looks down opens his eyes. Blue meets Green both eyes widen as we both fall over the edge together.

At the same time a bright light flashes throughout the room. So bright I have to close my eyes, then a warm feeling flows through me. Opening my eyes the bond rope is now a bright gold color, it looks electrified. Making eye contact with Cas his eyes glow gold for a second before returning back to his beautiful blue.

Out of breath, I stutter out, "Cas what just happened?"

After he catches his breath, he grins up at me. "The bond is complete, this step is very rare, actually, I've only heard of it once, this is amazing. Do you feel any different?" he asks.

"Yes, I don't know how to explain it, do you feel any different?"

"Yes, I do, that was a full soul bond since I don't have a soul you now are connected to my grace, and I'm connected to your soul."

"What does that mean?"

"That means that at any time you can borrow grace from me, use it to heal yourself or basically anything I can do except fly. Also because I am connected to your soul now when you die, you will be able to move freely around Heaven or even with a vessel be down here on earth with me. We have to both be either in Heaven or Earth but we cannot be separated by even death."

"This bond hasn't happened in thousands of years, the level of our love for each other has to be insurmountable for this." He closes his eyes rests his head down huge grin taking over his face. I rest my head on his chest placing my hand over his heart.

Tapping two fingers against his chest over his heart.


	19. Epilogue

It's been a very busy year, a few more people have joined our little group. There is Thomas for one, then Georgia and Mrs. Navarou, yup still can't call her by her first name, just feels wrong.

Thomas who is dating Donna now turned out to be an awesome guy. Writes informative books on demons and Hell, obviously, they can't be published, but still very helpful to hunters. Funny thing is when he is not writing about demons he writes children picture books. Donna loves them! He writes under a different pen name, "Marty Randell," his mothers maiden name. Who not surprisingly was a waitress. Thomas has been living with us in the bunker, now that he is bringing in some money I get the feeling he and Donna will be getting their own place.

The host of his vessel turned out was a human trafficker, Thomas requested he be killed before the cure was performed. Of course, Cas checked and yes that man did much worse things than Thomas ever did. Honoring his wish after the cure Jody said his soul is clean and actually quite bright.

Both Jody and Donna have been using their new gifts at work. They said that it helps just as much as it hinders. The information they get using their gifts can't be used in court or explained. Now Jody, Donna, and Thomas all have anti-possession tattoos.

Speaking of anti-possession tattoos, they have somehow become very, "trendy," after a host on a national talk show showed her's off. Now all over the world people are obsessed with them. After Georgia Eastman promoted them as not only protection from negative energy but also a symbol of unity, teamwork, and loyalty it really spread. Now national sports teams are getting them as teams and corporations are using it as a team building symbol. College fraternities are using it in their initiations and it's everywhere on the internet. Every day a new celebrity is showing off theirs, some colorful and some are put into other tattoos. As long as the design is correct the color or surrounding tattoos won't change the effectiveness.

Crowley is incredibly angry, called us yelling and screaming about sales and less, "meat suits," for them. We just laughed it off and hung up.

Charlie has teamed up with Mrs. Navarou and Cas to deal with the therapist issue. First Charlie found the address of national renowned psychologist then she, Mrs. Navarou and Cas visited each and explained the situation. After proving it by showing Cas's wings most got on board. Agreed to allow their names to be listed as speakers to fake events Charlie sets up. Then Charlie arranges psychologist/therapist conventions showing well-respected professional as a guest speaker.

With the amount of flirting going on between Charlie and Mrs. Navarou I expect them to be dating soon. They spend hours together and who else are they going to find willing to watch, "Harry Potter," for 12 hours.

Before the event, the area is warded with devil traps, salt lines, and accessible holy water. The exorcism chant is recorded and set up on the speaker system ready at the push of a button to start. Several times a therapist has shown up already possessed. Really that only serves to help prove to the other nonpossessed therapist the supernatural is real.

Once all the guests have arrived and demons removed then they do their show and tell. Most are able to handle it and are appreciative. They teach them about the supernatural, how to protect them self, suggest they get the tattoos and safeguard their houses and offices. The few that can't handle it or refuse to Cas will wipe their memory of the event completely.

After they are informed they are all asked to sign up as a therapist accepting hunters or supernatural victims. If they agree they are all told a referral using the name Castiel means this person is not crazy. This person has real experiences with the supernatural. The list is kept by several retired hunters or hunters too injured to work. Other hunters have business cards they give out to victims so they can call, and ask for a listing of professionals near them. From what I've been told several hunters have started therapy, no names were said so I can't be sure of the numbers but if even just one gets help it's an achievement. 

Charlie set up a message board/chat room so that psychologist/therapist can get more information to best help their patients. Also, there is a hunter only area with lore and personal experience testimonies.

Charlie, Mrs. Navarou, and Cas have run about three of these conventions a month. The number of therapists has grown to amazing amounts. Which as you can imagine has made Crowley even more upset. Demons avoid us now ever since they discovered their abilities don't work on us anymore. They are just basic human's to us now, almost as easy to kill.

Sam started therapy about two months ago, I don't interfere or ask what they talk about. Even though I want to know so bad, its time to let him grow up. I can't do everything for him or control his life anymore. He seems to be happier but that could also be because of his relationship with Georgia Eastman. Sadly because of our wanted murder status, their relationship is kept a secret. With Charlie's help, none of their conversations can be traced or recorded. If at any time a photo shows up online Charlie has a system set up to notify her so she can remove it. She really is so smart, I don't understand most of that computer stuff she does. She has been teaching me though, I've improved very much on my hacking and coding. Don't tell her but it's a nice feeling to see the pride on her face when I get something right. Makes me feel smart too.

Cas and I continue to go to therapy only now once a month. My PTSD is not gone but the symptoms have lessened. Nightmares are rare now and flashback/panic attacks much less often. Public situations and crowds still cause me some panic but nothing like before. I still have some triggers that I avoid like cameras and I continue to jump at the words, "Repeat and position." Mrs. Navarou said it will take time and it's nothing to be ashamed about.

Our sexual relationship believes me no complaints there unless you count Sammy's noise complaints. Cas is still careful about triggering me but we take it slow and he helps me ground if needed.

Two months ago we got married, not an official legal ceremony since I'm a dead fugitive but a simple ceremony. God actually came to perform the ceremony, Charlie allowed him the use of her body. She hasn't stopped talking about it either. Can't get any more official then God performing the ceremony. We both dressed up in nice black suits, and I wore boots. We exchanged vows, neither of us good with words we had help. Really all we did was explain our feelings to Kevin and he helped us with the wordings. Sam was my best man and Kevin was Cas's. My ring is gold with the words, "Two become one," engraved on it. Cas's ring is also gold with the words, "Bonded through eternity." Instead of the engraving on the inside, I requested them to be on the outside of the rings. We didn't really decorate the place or anything but we did have cake and of course pie. Several different kinds of pie, they never all got eaten.

For our honeymoon, Cas took us to a resort in Hawaii. Drinks, sand, sun, and the beach relaxing and sleeping in. It was so much fun, Cas got a much-needed tan, his pale white body in swim trunks was adorable. Making love on the beach is just as everyone says it is, a huge pain in the ass. Sand gets everywhere! I still have no idea how he paid for it all or if he used his mojo either way I'm not complaining.

Things seem to be slowing down which means something big is going to happen. Whatever it is we as a team will tackle it together.

**Author's Note:**

> "What we can or cannot do, what we consider possible or impossible, is rarely a function of our true capability, It is more likely a function of our beliefs about who we are."
> 
> Toney Robbins


End file.
